The Thomas File

Baseball Begins!

2008-04-04T04:19:00.006-04:00

It's been a long time since my last post. But some things just stir up enough in me that make it worth coming back to it at this point.

How 'bout them Mets huh!?! Off to a roaring start again this year, and just like every year since Pedro Martinez has been on our club, or at least in the clubhouse being rehabbed every day of the G D season, he is AGAIN, on the DL. I don't even want to google how much Pedro is making, it would just seem to improbable that it could make me more happy than I already am about the start of the season.

If I had any money to spend I would go out and buy a Mets hat. And a Royals hat. I am committing myself to the KC Royals this year. They are on pace for a 162-0 season, and by golly, I think they can do it. If they lose a game, I'll be the first to admit they fooled me. Because right now they look like the next coming of the 96 Bulls. Cross sport reference? Sure.

But back to the Mets. A couple things to watch for in the coming week: Oliver Perez had a great start in his first appearance, no earned runs, so that obviously means he will have a HORRENDOUS outing in his next start. I mean like the second coming of Rick Ankiel on the mound type bad, but only for an inning or two, then he'll calm down and the Mighty Mets will try and rally from 10 down in the 3rd.

Also, I'm setting the over/under on Mike Wise being sent down at 2 weeks, and I'm taking the under. Is there somewhere I can wager on that? Vegas maybe? Reno? I'll make some calls and get back to you.

And finally, our next series is against the Braves. And damnit, their good again. But Mike Hampton just went down with injury again for the 100th time in the last 100 months, so at least he won't hit a home run. BUT! I am predicting we get 2/3 from them, in Atlanta, on TBS. Suck it Ted Turner.

C-Webb to the Rescue

2008-02-03T17:35:00.000-05:00

Golden State must have Championships in mind, as we all know by now Chris Webber is making his triumphant return to the Warriors. Really? What's next, PJ Carlesimo's gonna bring back Latrell? Seattle could damn sure need use his scoring and his D, and since Nellie and his nemesis are getting the band together, PJ might as well follow suit.

Mid-season trades and signings can be huge for a team right on the verge of being a playoff team, and/or a contender. Look at what the Laker's did. Bring Pau in to the mix automatically makes them a contender. If Bynum can come back this year they can put a lineup on the floor of Bynum, Gasol, Odom, Kobe, and D-Fish. If they can mesh well on the court and if Pau can learn the triangle, they're a serious contender right away.

But you know, Golden State obviously is only one 35 year old, slow, non-defensive playing, wily old vet away from being a better team. C-Webb will help in some ways, scoring and passing, but doesn't it seem like that's not their biggest weakness. What about post D? What about defense in general, even if they just had one stopper on the team, just one, that could guard the other teams' best player they might MIGHT stand a chance in the playoffs in the long run. When I think C-Webb I think pump pass-fake from the top of the key into a soft jumper. I don't think stopper.

Good luck with all that Nellie.

Please Declare

2008-01-16T21:30:00.001-05:00

You know that big white guy for North Carolina, you know, the one that is going to win player of the year? The one that gets more points from the free throw line than he does from the field? The guy that, if there is a God in the heavens, will declare to enter the NBA draft this year, his junior year, and NOT GET PICKED IN THE FIRST ROUND (sweet serenity!)!

I can't stand Hansbrough. He scores tons of points and gets tons of rebounds, and never closes his mouth. He's a board certified member of the Kevin Johnson club.

Sadly, I have to admit he is a great college player. I don't know how, I don't know how he gets 20 and 10 a game because it doesn't seem like he has any real skill outside of being big, insane, and able to hit free-throws. Can he shoot from outside the key? No. Can he dribble? No. Does he have good footwork? Were Milli Vanilli great singers?

He is the perfect Bob Knight player. He rebounds and fouls and gets fouled and sets solid screens. He's Mark Madsen on steroids.

If someone picks him in the lottery next year I will never mention that team by name from then on. His ceiling is Scott Pollard. Maybe a poor man's Gary Trent. I honestly think he would have a better shot of making it in the NFL than in the NBA. But that's just my opinion. If someone picked Joel Freeland two years ago, someone has to pick Hansbrough.

The sad thing is he plays for North Carolina who is undefeated and will most likely make it all the way to the final four this year. Which means we have to hear about how great he is for the next three months, ad nausea. And what's even sadder, he has to know that he's not going to be squat in the league, so you know he's coming back to UNC for his Sr. year. Why leave the castle you're the king of when you're only gonna be the joker in the next court.

On the bright side, at least it makes for a good villain to root against. He and the Lakers in this year's playoffs. But really, once they sign Chris Webber to replace Bynum for the next two months, we won't have to worry about the purple and gold for much to longer.

Isaiah is Safe!

2007-12-10T03:06:00.000-05:00

This just in: Isaiah Thomas was given the key to the city.

The owner says his job is safe. Thank god! And I thought the NBA was going to be all about winning and "what have you done for me lately?" It's good to see an organization stick with someone who has brought them no where.

That's all.

College Dreams

2007-11-25T16:05:00.000-05:00

I was watching the Texas Tech v. Butler game last night and thought to myself, "I don't think I have ever seen a Bob Knight player smile..." Why do kids still go play for this guy? It's like singing up to have your life critiqued by Simon Cowell.

Another thought, how many players has Bob Knight ushered into the NBA? I know he is all about graduating players, which is commendable, but if I'm a top prospect, I gotta think I'm more worried about making millions than I am about finishing a degree in four years. Maybe he has put a lot of players in the league, I'll have to look into it. Calbert Chaney is the last one that comes to mind. He had a stellar career.

Another thought while watching the Butler game. If you watched every college game and listened to every announcer you would believe that at least one player on every team has the stuff to make it to the next level. Hubert Davis said that in the right system the Butler gaurd, Graves, could be the next Steve Nash. WOW. He also said that a kid named Green had no weaknesses after he hit a long 3. Really? None? Is that why he's at Butler? Oh.

But it's great, that's why I love the college game, everyone has potential. Everyone COULD have a breakout year, everyone in SEC COULD accept cars from Boosters. There are endless possibilities in college.

Every year a team like Butler or Southern Illinois can make a run at the final four. I watched a Southern Illinois game and thought that they might be the best TEAM I have seen play in a long time. It's like watching the Spurs play. They have this kid with the last name Mullins, I prayed he was the son of Chris -- he even has the hair --, but he wasn't, and all this kid does is steal the ball. That's it. He makes steals and smart passes. And he played the whole game. It's awesome.

Down low the have a guy named Falker who is like the illegitimate child of Etan Thomas and the guy who works the desk where I work out. All he does is rebound and score and set huge screens.

Gus the Bust just fumbled a snap on fourth and one at the goal line to end the game. I hate him. There was gonna be more, but it will have to wait till my anger subsides...

2 Heroes in Sports

2007-11-22T02:33:00.000-05:00

If you hit .222 with more strikeouts and hits, your worst year since your first year in the majors, you better take whatever contract you can get so you can prove that your not totally washed up. Hello, Andruw Jones.

My two least favorite people in sports right now are Scott Boras and Isaiah Thomas. Scott Boras first tried to break the DOW with A-Rod's contract, now he is telling people that Jones won't accept a one-year deal. Really? How's the Dominican League sound? They would probably sign him to a life-time contract.

Scott Boras asking for more than a one-year deal from anyone besides the Royals is like Thomas throwing the team out of practice on Monday. What a desperation move. I've been on teams in high school where the players just gave up on the coach because we thought he was worth about as much as the Nike Cortez's he wore on his feet, and throwing your team out of practice is a last ditch effort. It's you saying to the world, "I've lost all control and respect of my players!"

Thomas is a train-wreck right now. How do you let Marbury start again? How do you let him play again? Thomas is like one of those bullies on the playground that got beat up by the nerd and now has to prove to everyone, all the time, just how tough he is. He's a joke. They should have known what he was going to do to the Knicks after what he did to the CBA. Where's the CBA you ask? Exactly.

RANT

2007-11-16T17:16:00.000-05:00

I just had a horrible day at work, compounded by the fact that I think someone who says she
"lives in the UK" but is selling a car in Portland is trying to swindle people on Craigslist, so I think it's time for another rant. Nothing is sacred.

My brother-in-law told me that I should mention hockey in my blog a little more, if I ever get around to writing this blog again. So here it is:

Hockey? Did it start yet? The season I mean? How do you make the playoffs in hockey? Is it by how many times you win or by how many points you score for losing and tying? I don't get it. The other thing I don't get, who cares? WHO CARES ABOUT HOCKEY? Literally speaking, no one. No one actually cares about hockey save for those who are under 13 and live in cold weather places. You know no one cares about hockey when the season starts and no one knows about it. Not even ESPN talked about it on opening day. It was an afterthought. ESPN shows more cup-stacking championships then they do hockey games. That's how you know no one ACTUALLY cares. Another sign no one cares about your sport, when the only thing anyone talks about after games is how many fights there were. Which actually doesn't involve a hockey stick or a puck. Now, if the fights did include those two things, man, I would tune in every night.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Good to get that out.

Next, the NBA is a glorious thing. The Nuggets are the most injured team in the world save my St. Louis Rams. Why in the world the Nugg's thought it was a good idea to re-sign or give an extension to Nene blows my mind. I can't remember a time in his career where he hasn't been hurt or recovering or on his way towards getting hurt. That was like letting your heroin addicted drummer come back for the world tour after he skipped out on rehab early, hoping, just hoping that he would be able to kick the habit. Not gonna happen. The best thing, they signed Steven Hunter to back up the oft-injured Camby-man and now Hunter is on the shelf, along with Chucky Atkins who was somehow supposed to play point this year. GIVE ME A BREAK!

The Celtics are out of their mind. They are 7-0 and killing people like the Patriots. I love it. But I have one question? Did anyone think long-term when they picked up Allen and Garnett in return for their next 100 first round draft picks and almost every other player on their roster? What happens when these three retire in 3 years? I'll tell you, a 10-72 season with Big Baby and Rajon chucking up 50 shots a game and another 10 years without the playoffs. They are so far over the salary cap they make the Knicks look fiscally responsible. How can this be missed?

The Portland Trailblazers and the NBA are STILL marketing Greg Oden! He isn't going to play for a year! One whole year. What about Brandon Roy? Hell, I would like the Blazers to market the Big Monkey Joe P. rather than Greg Oden. His commercial is hilarious on ESPN, but whats gonna be even more hilarious is if the guy stinks it up when his career actually begins. What's more? The freaking Blaze-show is 4-4! Holy hell! And without Oden or D-Miles. Can I get some love for the D-Miles bandwagon? The guy is like 21 and has been in the league since I was in middle school it seems! How is that possible? How is this guy already POTENTIALLY washed up? Oh yeah, Microfracture. Right. Big men are marketable.

Stephon Marbury is the NBA's Peter Griffin. Isaiah Thomas is Quagmire.

The thing I love most about the NBA is that every year team's count on player's who have never produced to produce. To name a few that still find themselves in starting lineups: Kwame Brown, Darko, Mike Dunleavy. When I watch the Lakers play and see Kwame running up and down the floor unable to do anything else well besides run up and down the floor, it makes me wonder if Michael Jordan was doing acid when he picked him with the number one pick, and then it makes me wonder if teams only play him because he is a former number one pick and they think, "for the love of God, Michael Jordan picked him, he's got to have some kinda hidden talent!"

Stephon Marbury once had a show on Fox where he interviewed people. Take that in.

The NFC West is the worst division in football. The Niners are about to start Trent Dilfer again. Shaun Alexander is mailing it in when he plays, and now Maurice Morris is starting. The Cardinals are still the Cardinals, no matter who much pre-season hype they get. And the Rams, even though reasonably healthy right now, still are playing with what has to be their 4th string offensive and defensive lines. The NFC West is so bad that after the Rams beat the hell out of the Saints on Sunday for their first win of the season I believed with all my heart that if they could just win 5 more games, giving them a 6-10 record, they have an outside shot of making the playoffs as the Division Champs. The NFC West is so bad that my friend Jon named his fantasy team "NFC WEST" as a joke. Granted, the joke was about as bad as the division, but you get the point.

Ricky Williams is allowed to play again for the Dolphins and John Beck is going to start at qb this week for the winless Dolphins. I say trade everyone and relocate. Let's do this whole scrapping the season right and just tank the whole damn franchise. The marquee name on their team right now? Ted Ginn, Jr. Unbelievable.

The Falcons picked up Byron Cankles Leftwich to replace Joey Heisman. They benched Joey and started Leftwich who got hurt in his first game. You gotta love it. You just have to love a team doing everything it can to not start Joey but still having to start him. He must feel great about himself. I heard Jeff George was talking about a comeback. He was a former number 1 pick, maybe he can still muster up a little something. I think they should make a rule that if you are a number one pick you should have always have a job if you want one in your respective sport. They deserve it. Jeff George's Madden Ratings (as I remember them) back when he played: 99 ThPw 81 ThAcc 65 AWR. He was the Vick of his day minus the Speed. 51 Spd.

For the love everything unholy. I just looked at the ESPN.com NBA page and there is a headline that reads, "Marbury to the Blazers?" I vomited through my nose when I read that. I'm not even gonna click on that link. If the Blazers sign Stephon Marbury I will forfeit my Blazer Fan Membership. Effective Immediately.

Little Romeo plays for USC.

Jay Bilas said: "Kevin Love is so good because he is always open."

Steven Jackson writes a fantasy blog for ESPN.com. The dude has 30 more fantasy points than Rueben Droughns.

Ok, I broke down and clicked on the article. They aren't going to trade for him. There is a God.

I think I got it all out. For now. This is what happens when you are moving to LA in a month and can't think about anything else beyond that.

The movie "Like Mike" just came on, I am going to gauge my eyes out.

Shula...

2007-11-06T19:10:00.000-05:00

Don Shula needs to get off his high, champagne sipping, horse and stop being such a baby. I said it. I hate the '72 Dolphins. I hate everything about them, well, everything I know about them. My brother-in-law told me they collectively wrote a book about their unbeaten season...gag me. That, coupled with the fact that Bob Griese was the QB...Bob Griese rubs me the wrong way. Kinda like the Williams father and Michael Jackson's father, minus the singing torture and all that of course.

I never really cared if the Pats went 16-0 this year until now. I thought it would be cool, it would something we could tell our kids and grandkids, you know "the time the maddest coach on the face of the earth stormed the league!" But now that these self-righteous has-beens are spouting off about an asterisk? Really? An asterisk? Just let it go. No one cares. You're like the cool kid from high school coming back to his 50th anniversary with a 20 year-old prostitute he bought to look cool again in front of his peers.

"Everyone, this is my wife, Coco..."

Shula, get over it.

Pristene in Green

2007-11-02T20:45:00.000-04:00

Just some thoughts I had watching the beginning of the Celtics season against the Wiz:

Wow. Paul Pierce actually has help.

Wow. Kevin Garnett is really good. Who knew?

Wow. Rajon Rondo is actually starting.

Wait, Rondo is starting? I thought they were just kidding.

Has anyone ever looked worse in green than Brian Scalibrine?

Ok, really. Bring out the real starting pg, Rondo is like having Brittney Spears sing with...well, anyone.

Ray Allen STILL has the prettiest shot in basketball.

Scalabrine just pump faked and passed for the fiftieth time.

***

Anyway, if anyone is paying attention to this blog you may have realized I haven't been making NFL picks lately. Honestly? It just became a chore. Seemed to much like a job, and when you pick the Rams every week and they lose EVERY week, it's like having the hot girl at work ignore you when you say hi to her every day at lunch. It makes work not fun. This became that kind of work. So I going back to what I originally planned with this, whatever I want it to be.

And now that the Blazers and the NBA is back in full swing, who's got time for NFL predictions? It seems especially pointless since the Pats have already won the Super Bowl.

Southeast Division

2007-10-30T14:55:00.000-04:00

Rumors of Gilbert going to LA for Kobe are swirling, so again, all that follows is subject to the Kobe effect.

Southeast Division

1. Orlando (50-32): I know everyone is not so hype on Rashard Lewis getting a max contract, it kinda falls in the same range as Charlie Bell getting anything more than the Vets minimum for me, but in the Eastern Conference he's gotta be worth at least another 5 wins. Dwight Howard showed some improvement on the offensive end in the pre-season and with shooters on the outside like Lewis and "perhaps the best shooter in the history of basketball" (an actual shooting video commercial) in JJ Redick, who knows? Maybe they can sneak up on the league and actually win this division and clinch the 3rd seed in the East.

Miami and Washington are both banged up and old, see Shaq and D-Wade and Etan Thomas, so it looks like this division is theirs for the taking. If Jameer Nelson can also provide some consistent shooting, I think they get it.

2. Washington (48-34): If Etan wouldn't have had to undergo open heart surgery, which I hope he recovers from fully, I would have put them in first. It hurts this team down low on the defensive end not having him in the lineup. How much trust can you put in Haywood at this point in his career? You know what you are going to get with him, and I don't think it's enough to take them as far as Gilbert believes their gonna go = Championship.

The threesome of Gilbert, Caron and Antawn will again be dominant, and rumor has it that Oleksiy Pecherov is surprisingly good, so possibly they could make a run, but unless Arenas puts down 35 a game, I don't think so. It might not be too far fetched though for him to do that...I don't know, I want to wait and see if he is still on this coast till I am sure.

3. Miami (45-37): Miami got rid of Walker and replaced him with another gunner in Ricky Davis. Hmmm...Couple that with a horrid bench and an aging Shaq and a nicked up Wade? Trouble. This might be the last year of the retirement-home team. Has Shaq been in shape at the beginning of the year since their second championship in LA? Their whole philosophy of waiting till the end of the year to turn it on just doesn't work. But really, their bench is awful. Awful.

4. Atlanta (34-48): They will miss the playoffs for the 100th time in a row and they probably won't resign Josh Smith and Joe Johnson to long term contracts. This is my vote for the next team to move cities. Maybe they can move to Seattle when the Sonics go to Oklahoma City? Let's start that rumor.

5. Charlotte (32-50): Ammo is out for the year. Sean May had microfracture. They do have Gerald Wallace and Emeka and Felton, but Emeka will be hurt by the All-Star break, and really, it's Charlotte. Until they change those jerseys they will always be down in the cellar as far as I'm concerned.

Central Division

2007-10-29T16:26:00.001-04:00

All that follows is subject to drastic change in lieu of the impending Kobe trade...

Central Division:

1. Detroit (55-27): Cleveland is a one man show and Chicago without Kobe is still in the exact same situation they were last year. Rumor has it Rasheed has slimmed down, and as long as they still have their big four in tact, they have to be considered the favorite in this division. Unless...Yi in Milwaukee is the Prince Fielder of basketball. And hey, who knows, didn't everyone see the video footage of his workouts, you know, the ones where he was driving to the hoop with both hands? Astounding.

2. Cleveland (53-29): Cleveland needs to resign Pavlovic and Verajao to contend again in the East, but even with them, is thet outlook really that good for this team? For me to consider them a serious contender again this year Daniel Gibson needs to play all year like he played in the playoffs. Does everyone in Cleveland still think Cleveland Rocks, anyone besides Drew Carey anyway? The Indians choked themselves to sleep and Lebron is wearing Yankee hats to the playoffs? If Lebron gets away from the Cavs in free agency, it could be a long millenium for Cleveland.

3. Chicago (53-29): (Cleveland with the tie breaker) Sans Kobe, I put them in third. But with Kobe and a few talented players around him? Division and the finals. In a wait and see mode right now.

4. Milwaukee (41-41): They actually have a decent squad out there in sausage land. If everyone can stay healthy, including the forgotten Bobby Simmons, they could put pretty talented group on the floor. Talented enough to make a run for the 8th seed in the East. I don't know why, but I'm getting the AK-47 vibe from Yi right now in my head. Talented but a total head case. I could be totally off, but that's just the mid-day psychic commercial premonition that's filling my head...

5. Indiana (32-50): I hate this team, and I hate that JO is stuck on the Pacers. I met him one time in the airport and we talked for about fifteen minutes. He seems like an awesome guy, and he's one of the better big men in the league, but he has no one around him. No one. I am a huge Tinsley fan, but only because he played out of his mind at Iowa State when he and Marcus Fizer were running the floor, and because he technically didn't graduate from high school. I hope Bird makes a trade that sends JO to a contender, and that the Pats continue their domination next week when they meet up with Indy and Manning. That's beside the point though.

Again, all this hinges on the Kobe effect.

Atlantic Division

2007-10-25T23:21:00.001-04:00

Since the season is almost upon us, and since the Eastern Conference may be relevant this year for the first time in eons, here is my Eastern Conference Preview, starting with the Atlantic Division:

Atlantic Division

1. Boston (55-27): It almost feels like an obligation to put the C's here at number one in the division doesn't it? Like the basketball gods would riot if they actually didn't win the division and at least a share of the East. But honestly? I'm not totally sold on this team. I mean, it's a huge upgrade from the bottom feeders of the past they've had in Boston, but they still have Doc at the helm, and they gave away Jefferson at center. Toronto and New Jersey won't be too far behind in the Atlantic. It's Doc's to lose though. But he already knows that. What's the over under on how many years Doc has left in Boston anyway? I would take the under no matter what it is.

2. Toronto (51-31): I want Toronto to win this division more than I want LOST to finally give me some answers this season. If Locke is still on that Island and they don't tell me what he's doing in the first two episodes, I will swear them off for life. If Toronto wins the division they are my new favorite Leastern Conference team. The addition of Kapono and a healthy TJ Ford gets them four more wins in a surprisingly tough division. And when a Colangelo is involved, you gotta bet high on the team they are involved with.

3. New Jersey (46-36): New Jersey picked up Magloire, so automatically any hope of them actually having a good season, or one markedly better than last year, goes out the window. But, and this is a big but, like one of those rappers' girlfriends, omg, if RJ and Nenad Krstic can stay healthy they have a serious shot of winning a lot of games. But that's a big if. And personally, I don't think they did very good in the off-season, drafting a dirt-poor-man's Mikki Moore in Sean Williams. All in all I think they will improve a little, but beyond Vince's dunks and Beyonce in the front row, I wouldn't spend too much time watching their games.

4. New York (39-43): I might be totally wrong, but unless this season is going to be played on NBA Live and nothing but talent is taken into account during the actual games, I don't see how this team is an improvement over last year's version. Sure, they got Z-Ro from us, and sure, he is a legitimate 20-10 guy, blah blah blah, but how in the world can Starbury, Curry, Jamal Crawford, Z-Ro, and Nate Robinson all play on the same team unless Stern changes the rules to allow two balls in play during the fourth quarter? I don't see it. Oh, and Q-rich and Fred Jones. The only player on that team that means anything and doesn't need the ball in their hands to do anything is David Lee. And he won't even start but still get double-doubles damn near every night. Keep on Truckin' NY.

5. Philly (35-47): Boston becoming an actual basketball team this year hurts the Sixer's chances of making strides towards leaving the lottery. They have a couple good players on their roster, but when your veteran leadership is coming from Andre Miller, Kevin Ollie, and Calvin Booth...I mean really? But maybe Reggie Evans and Dalembert will learn how to score, and maybe Miller will be a winner for once in his NBA career, and maybe Oden will start against San Antonio.

Mid-Week Thoughts

2007-10-17T16:20:00.000-04:00

Last Weeks Picks: 8-5
Total: 50-40

Kurt Warner threw two passes then broke his elbow or whatever he did. That's my third qb in three weeks to go down with an injury for my fantasy team affectionately named, M.A.S.H. Just gonna throw that out there so that everyone can know my state of mind at this point in time. The Rams are 0-100 and Gus the Bust went Romo on everyone and threw 5 interceptions. Now Bulger is talking about starting this week against the Seagals. Which to me is a moot point, because they will beat the Seahawks even if Ryan Fitzpatrick gets the nod. That's right. That's a guarantee. About as good a guarantee as Patrick Crayton made, but it's a guarantee none the less.

On to other stuff that doesn't make me want to slit my wrists every Sunday.

Kobe Bryant is going to be traded. It's really going to happen. That or this is the biggest, dumbest, game of charades ever played. I was talking to a friend from SoCal that is a die-hard Laker fan, and even he is ready for Kobe to be traded. That's how I know it's gonna happen for sure this time, not because of all the reports and the empty locker, or the "cleaned" locker, or Chad Ford Top 5 places he may go blog, but the fact that Laker fans are ready for him to be traded.

Ford's article details 5 strong possibilities and a couple other long shots and then a few more hail mary's. The one that makes me cringe the most is sending him to Chicago for the likes of Gordon, Thomas, Noah, expiring contracts, and MJ's honor. First of all, if I have to see Noah play in the NBA it better be for a team like Chicago where he won't get too much pub because he is surrounded by more talented players who already play his position. I would rather he play for the Kings or the Bucks because then it's almost a guarantee you will never see him on TV, but the Lakers? Can you imagine how many asinine interviews we would have to endure if he was in the entertainment capitol of the world? I couldn't handle it. I would start a support group for those trying to cope with Noah-overload. But I guess it will all go away anyway after his rookie contract is up and he proves to everyone that he was the next Bill Curley.

There is talk of sending Amare and his scoped knee with Raja Bell to LA in exchange for the smallest lineup in the history of the league. I don't know if that's a factual statement, but really, if they trade away Amare my intramural basketball team from college would be bigger than those guys. It would be fun though. They would have to hire Westphal as an assistant just to assure the fans that they would score at least 200 points a night to make the trade make sense.

It's gotta be a lose-lose situation though for Kobe. Wherever he goes the team is going to have to give up so much just to get him, unless Buss takes a page from Kevin Pritchard's book and trades away his best player for absolutely nothing. It's not like he's gonna be plopped into a situation where the team didn't willing get pillaged by the Lakers for the chance to win a championship. He'll most likely be playing with second-stringers and a few free agents to fill the roster. At the end of Ford's blog he throws out the idea that Detroit could get him for Hamilton and Prince (money wise). And to be honest, I think that makes the most sense to me right now. Obviously LA needs some young players to build around other than Farmar and Crittendon, but bringing in Hamilton and Prince next to Lamar and whomever they plug in at center? That's a low seed playoff team. And Detroit would be an odds on favorite to win it all.

But no one in LA wants that. Hamilton and Prince aren't flashy enough. Would they take Oden and Raef straight up? I would pull the trigger on that in a micro-fracture second.

In the end though, where do I think he will go? It doesn't matter, but what makes me so happy about the whole situation is that Laker fans will have to suffer through another Ceballos/Eddie Jones era for the next few years. And that makes all my depression about the Rams having only one win after next weekend fade away like a perfect Kobe jumper.

Week 6 Picks

2007-10-12T20:29:00.000-04:00

Here's my picks for Week 6. I made them while watching Walk The Line. Reese Witherspoon is pretty hot. So, uh, take that into account if some of my picks seem a little screwy.

Cincy def. KC: The Bungles have lost three in a row and if they are serious about making the playoffs this year they better get their act together quick. Pittsburgh is running away with the division, so they gotta start thinking Wild Card. This is a must-win game for Palmer and Co. so Chad better break out one or two of those TD Celebrations he's had planned since the summer, and maybe even play a little D for Marvin. I still haven't recovered from the Browns putting up 90 on the Bungles D...

Jags def. Houston: I'm tired of picking the Oilers, I mean the Texans to win and coming up wrong. It's funny how a couple good weeks can alter your decision making for the next few to come. Their like Nickelback this year, they had one good album and now they are just riding that wave until it dies. Maybe it's because all their songs sound like all those good ones on the first album they just keep buying in some sort of dazed-hypnotized slumber, listening to those songs over and over... Until Johnson and Batman come back full time I don't trust 'em.

Fins def. Browns: Cleo Lemon is starting for one of my fantasy teams. I like this guy. I like his first name, his last name, I like everything that I know about him...well, that's actually pretty much it. But I also like that they are playing the Browns, and even though Joe Jurevicious taunts me every week for dropping him and somehow scores a TD, I'm taking the 0-5 Dolphins and Ronnie Brown in this one.

Redskins def. Packers: I want to take the Packers because I want to believe that Favre can lead this team to the playoffs with a worse running offense than my high school football's team that ran the Wing-T. But I watched the Skins' game last week and can't help but think that the Lions and the Pack aren't too far apart. And if Jason Campbell can play anything near like he did last week, I just can't bet against them. But I love good stories, and the little boy in me wants the Pack to win this one on the arm of Favre and run off into the tunnel holding his helmet triumphantly over his head.

It kind of reminds me of the Suns trying to win a championship without big men or defense. Mike D'Antoni's solution? Play even faster. Maybe Favre should just throw even more this week. 50 passes, one run.

Ravens def. Rams: Unless Linehan can show me that he actually has a pulse or a brain or blood at least sitting in his veins, it might be a long time till the Rams win one. One bright spot for me last week was that Leonard got 100 yards on 18 carries. I say we just hand him the ball 30 times and see what happens. Also, he's on my fantasy team that's sinking faster than a bowling ball in a pool, so anything can help at this point.

Vikings def. Chicago: The Bears are boring. At the least the Vikings have Peterson. When I think about Brian Griese my mind goes blank, that's how tired of hearing about him I am. It doesn't matter who they put back their right now, no one on that roster that plays the QB position is going to change anything for the Bears. Maybe they should trade Grossman for Joey Heisman now that Leftwich looks like he might be starting sometime soon, just to add another mediocre QB to their team. Or, see if they can bring back Krenzel. I remember everyone raving about how smart he is, maybe he could figure it out in Chicago.

Eagles def. Jets: Game I wish could be played on Madden. I need Curtis to have another 60 point week in this one. The Jets need to start Kellen Clemens to appease the fans and McNabb needs his linemen to actually block people. But really. Who cares.

Bucs def. Titans: The second head of my two-headed monster at RB this week for my team is Earnest Graham. I'm coming around to this Bucs team though. I still think they're too old to last until the end of the year, and now that Earnest Graham is the feature back, which is like having a movie theater only play "Why Did I Get Married" this weekend, it can't last too long but I think they get a win in this one against the Titans.

Cardinals def. Panthers: Simple. Kurt Warner over David Carr anytime.

Patriots def. Dallas: Last weeks' game against the Bills didn't exactly make me want to run out and put all my money on Romo and the Boys this week against the Pats. And frankly, until the Pats lose this year, or next, whenever it may be, I don't think I can pick against them. I don't even care if Sammy Morris or Maroney is playing this week, for all I care Darius Walker could take the hand-offs from Brady with his 4.6 speed and they would still be unstoppable.

Raiders def. Chargers: Culpepper's got something to prove, and everyone thinks the Chargers are back, which makes it ripe for an upset. But would it really be considered an upset? Or, just the next stop on the the path to the unemployment line for Norv?

Saints def. Seagals: Bill Simmons feels about the same way I do in regards to the Hawks. I like absolutely nothing about them, and now that Deion Branch is out, there is even less to like about them. Same question as above though, would this be considered an upset? I know the Saints haven't won a game yet, but there is just nothing on that whole team that I like in Seattle. Except that the name Hassleback gives way to a lot of good nicknames, like Hasslesack. Still, not enough to change my mind.

Giants def. ATL: The Giants are on a roll and the Falcons are using Leftwich totally unprepared in place of Heisman. I wonder if Petrino wishes he had Marty's Delorian right about now?

Old Men of Wonder

2007-10-09T18:19:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the ball bounces your way, other times it doesn't. And then some other times the ball doesn't even have enough air in it to bounce anywhere, it just lays there flat on the ground, lifeless. Kind of like the Bills in Monday night's game. The Bills and Spineless Dick Jauron literally gave the Cowboys their fifth win of the season. How do you force 6 turnovers in the game, score two defensive touches and another on special teams and STILL LOSE? Answer? You play prevent when you should be playing press coverage. Answer: You were playing to lose.

Midway through the fourth quarter, actually, right about the time they showed Jim Kelly on the sideline, I knew the Bills would blow it. I thought everyone might commit mass suicide in the stands after Nick Folk's second kick went through the uprights, but really, the Bills fans have been here before, they must be numb to it by now.

I went 7-7 this week to bring my record to 42-35 for the year thus far, which would put me at about the fourth seed in the NBA's Leastern Conference. And speaking of the NBA, how bout Tony Massenburg making an appearance with the Washington Wiz during training camp? He was born in 1967, which puts him at a Julio Franco-esque 41. If Tony makes the squad this year I will have to buy a jersey, and hopefully he is cool enough to request number 41 for his age. Wasn't there someone who did that before? Can't think of it right now.

Old men are all over sporting world right now. Kurt Warner is back in his rightful position as starting QB after Leinart went down with a season ending injury, but really, even without the injury it's probably safe to say that Kurt would have been starting this week instead of Leinart. It was like the Cardinals were just hoping that either, A. Matt would finally live up to his billing as a great QB out of USC, or B. He would get hurt and the obviously better Warner would be abel to start without any controversy surrounding it. Something finally went right for them. Now to top it off hopefully we get to see Kurt's wife in the stands, I am on a 24/7 haircut watch for Mrs. Warner.

Vinny Testaverde, another ageless wonder, got signed today for one year by the Panthers to back up David Carr now that Delhomme is out for the year with elbow surgery. The question is, how many games until The Bird Man is starting? I'll give him 3 games. He has been in the league for so long that he probably already knows the playbook by heart so it's just a matter of getting acquainted with his new teammates, which will probably be like asking your kid to get acquainted with their Uncle. All it takes is one tickle fest and he will be Steve Smith's favorite in no time.

Father time didn't smile on all the old guys out there last weekend though. Trent Green went down with a serious concussion as a result of a nasty block he tried to lay on a 500 pound defender. I've heard all sorts of debate as to whether or not it was a cheap shot, and even more talk about the cheapness of Johnson then standing over Trent Green as he examined the grass at the 45 yard line. When I saw the replay I didn't think it was a cheap shot as much as I thought Trent Green thought about performing a chop block but then midway through decided this was the worst decision he has made in a long time and curled up in a ball to absorb the hit that was coming. Unfortunately his head absorbed most of it. The good news for the Fins? Cleo Lemon has one of the coolest names out there. Win or lose his name gives way for great healines: "He's No Lemon!" Or, "Lemon Leaves a Sour Taste in the Browns Mouth." Or, "Turns out he's a Lemon..."

Finally, the NBA is underway, as mentioned above, and in about an hour the Celtics and the Minnesota Celtics will play the most meaningful meaningless game in the young T'Wolves lives. This might be the one pre-season game, other than every Blazers game, that I want to watch. Minnesota could literally put out a starting lineup of former Celtic players to combat the three-headed monster in the East. Who knows how long their three stars are going to play, but you can bet all your marbles that when those three are out there Minnesota is going to be playing like it's game 7 of the Finals. Which is cute because it will be eons until they get there.

This just in: Allan Houston is going back to the Knicks. Incredible. Probably the worst move he could ever make, why in the world would you want to join the circus at his age? He is in no shape to be shot out the cannon again.

Week 5 Picks

2007-10-05T18:08:00.000-04:00

Last Week: 6-8
Total: 35-27

I just checked my roster for my fantasy team this week and it looks like an episode of MASH. My top 5, that's right, top 5 recievers are out with injuries or on byes' this week and the icing on the cake is that Travis Henry is not just dealing with a couple nagging injuries, but he is in trouble for how he deals with those injuries. In his defense though, his "experts" weren't there when the league tested him and he came up positive for THC again. I wonder what these experts would have done? The old slight of hand, slight of pee trick? Unless his alleged experts were David Blaine and Cirss Angel I don't think it would have mattered.

Anyway, I was 6-8 last week and need to rebound so I am going first instinct on my picks this week. Once I decide in my head there's no looking back.

Chiefs def. Jags: It appears the Chiefs finally have a WR to throw to in Rookie Dwayne Bowe, and if that holds up maybe it will open some holes for Larry Johnson to run through. If the Jags win they would go to 3-1 and I don't think I could stomach that. This one should be close, I give the advantage to the Chiefs at home.

Pats def. Browns: Has anyone ever been more sure about this game? If the Pats don't win here it will either be considered a hick-up and a "good wake up call loss," or the "uh-oh" game of the season where every team in the league finally discovers a weakness in the Patriots. The only way I see the Browns winning this game in New England is if the Joba-bugs travel to Foxboro by Sunday and eat Tom Brady alive. And that had to be one of the more disgusting pictures in sports, Joba standing on the pitchers mound with what looked like aphids all over his neck, yummy.

Saints def. Panthers: Delhomme out again, Carr in again. The Saints have to pull this one out. They have no excuse to 1. Not get 5 sacks, and 2. Not get their first win of the season. I'm not sold on Reggie Bush being the number 1 back, but then I again I wasn't sold on the Blazers drafting Oden and that worked out great. Oh wait... Saints still win.

Giants def. Jets: My first instinct was to take the Giants even though it went against every second, third, and fourth thought that followed. But really, we are talking about two New York teams that have underachieving QB's and less than good running games. The only reason this game will get a lot of pub is because Archie Manning had babies and one of them happens to play for the G-men. I'm still pulling for Lorenzon to get in there and shock the world. Wouldn't that be a great poster, Jeremy Shockey and The Pillsbury Throwboy standing together trying to look all hard like athletes always do with a caption: Jared and Jeremy: Shocking the World One TD at a Time. So hot.

Miami def. Houston: But who really cares until Andre Johnson and Ahman Green come back? Ronnie Brown has been ultra-productive for a team that needs someone with superlative-inducing play. I wonder how the Miami front office is feeling this week after Culpepper ran all over them with that bum knee they let him go for? I bet they secretly brought out all the jerseys they had bought for their kids and then stored away in the garage and just sat there looking at them in their bedroom, their wives waiting for them to turn the lights off..."Just come to bed, honey..." He would grip the jersey tightly in his hands, "you just don't understand...he could of been ours, he was ours! It could've been us..." They probably don't feel any worse than the think tank in San Diego that brought in Norv Turner.

Steelers def. Seahawks: Pitt will rebound from their loss at Arizona, even without Hines Ward, and get the win at home. My friend Jon thinks the Seagals win it 24-20, so naturally I have to bet against him. Steelers 27-20, Hawks don't cover the 6 point spread. Honestly, if Willie Parker doesn't score 100 fantasy points this week I might score a grand total of 15 points.

Redskins def. Lions: Even with Kitna and his converts, the Lions fall short to Clinton Portis and the Skins. I can see Campbell having a good game against the Lions this weekend, isn't he due? Actually, I just picked up the Lions D for the week, but I am sticking with the Skins on this one...this is why I never make New Years Resolutions, my will is about as strong as Pac Man Jones outside a strip club with his buddies, "well, I am pretty hungry, sure, lets just go get something to eat, right?"

Titans def. Falcons: Joey Heisman had another game that might cause people to go against every fiber in their body and actually trust him this weekend with their money, but I know better, I have been a fan in the closet for a long time with Joey and I am staying where I am. It's nice in this dark place where no one can truly see your hope for him rise and fall as fast as hopes for Darko did his rookie season. The Titans are second in the league in rushing and playing at home, and can Joey really have another good game on the heels of his last one? Global warming hasn't changed the world that much, has it?

Rams def. Cardinals: Brian Leonard, Gus the Bust, the return of Icognito, and no Isaac Bruce? This has the makings for an upset written all over it. Kurt coming back to the dome and getting some playing time? Anquan on the bench again? Could anyone write this script any better for the Rams to surprise everyone and pull out their first win of the season? We know they aren't going winless this year, they gotta win at least one, and now that Bulger is on the sideline and not fearing his life being taken from the blindside on every down, what better time than now? Convinced?

Colts def. TB: No Cadillac for the rest of the season, and while I do think the Bucs are for real, I don't see them going into Indy at pulling off this upset. This seems to be a sexy pick, taking the Bucs over Peyton's Colts, but I think the Colts stay undefeated until Week 9 against the Pats when Tom Brady and friends resume their dominance of the Horseshoes.

Broncos def. Bolts: Travis Henry is "vowing to play" according to ESPN.com. When has a player had more to prove to a city that took a chance on him than Henry? Well, besides Moss. Reports say he has at least two more weeks until his B-sample appeal gets resolved, and you could bet your house that he is going to TRY to go break 1000 in the next few games. The Chargers are floundering. They need this game more than anyone, but it's at Mile High at Invesco (great name by the way, phert.) where the fans chant "in-come-plete" every time the QB misses. Norv Turner just might break down and cry if Rivers gets that cheer too many times. I really just want the Chargers to lose so that they are forced to fire Norv mid-season and issue and apology to their fans ala The Metropolitans, and who knows, Charlie Weiss might be available by then.

SF def. Ravens: First instinct: Dilfer vs. his old team? Awesome! Dilfer is one of those guys who, for some unknown reason, just wins games. Maybe it's because he doesn't make too many bad decisions, or maybe he has God on his side like Kitna, but couple that with Gore and I don't think the Niners are losing too much short-term with Alex Smith's separated shoulder. Also, I don't like the Ravens this year. They are the reason I am out of my elimination league.

Packers def. Chicago: And the Heavens part as the clock ticks down to :00 and Brett Favre is lifted into heaven like the Energizer Bunny to the spaceship. Favre and his D vs. Griese and his D? Favre every time. And if they do win and go to 5-0?! Berman will literally have an orgasm on camera. How can you not want to see that?

Cowbows def. Bills: One question: Why was this game scheduled for Monday night? Even if JP Losman wasn't hurt did the NFL Execs really believe the Bills would be MNF worthy? Cowboys might put up 50 on them, unless Trent Edwards turns out to be the next Big Ben.

Games I wish I could be at: Bears/Packers. They might have a parade after the game if the Pack goes to 5-0, and can you imagine how many free drinks you could get at the bars? So many babies will be born in July is Favre wins this one.

Games I wish could be played on Madden: Cowboys/Bills. Just because I would rather see the Boys score 100 than 50. And there has got to be some crazed Cowboy fan who is the ultimate Madden gamer who can get inside the Bills player so bad he would cry by halftime.

Upset watch: Rams/Cardinals. Can it really be considered an upset when speaking of the Cardinals? Not sure about that, but when you consider the state of the Rams, much like my fantasy team, this would be one for NFL Films Greatest Games Ever Played in the History of Upright Man.

Top 10 Big Hurt Subs

2007-10-03T22:44:00.000-04:00

Ted Turner bought the rights to the MLB playoffs apparently, he must have thought this was the year for the Braves. Or, maybe he's just a good businessman. Nah. Anyone that shows every damn Braves home game on national TV can't be that good of a businessman.

At first I was excited when I saw Ernie Johnson doing the in-studio coverage, but who was that sitting next to him? Too big to be Charles Barkley, too quiet to be Kenny, is that Frank Thomas? Wow. Out of everyone they could have picked to do the in-studio coverage with Ernie and Cal Ripken, they selected The Big Hurt. Besides the fact that he never played in a huge market, outside of Chicago, and then he was on the wrong side of Chicago, there is a reason he has never been a media darling of the MLB in his career, he has the personality and charisma of a boulder.

Was Dennis Miller busy? Or did he give up on commentating after the whole MNF disaster? Here is my top list of people I would rather see in between Ernie and Cal:

10. Milton Bradley: At least we know it will be interesting. Interesting like Stephen Jackson's tattoo of praying hands holding a pistol. He's in his own world, as is Milton, wouldn't it be fun to be invited in for a few hours at a time?

9. Matt Stairs: He's gotta have some good stories after 10 different teams and almost 15 years of service. And doesn't he just look like one of those guys who is destined for the booth? Think John Kruk, if One Nut Kruk can do it why not give it Matty a shot at the prime time?

8. Turk Wendell: He wore a necklace that had shark teeth on it. And he played for three teams that are in the playoffs, and four if the Mets didn't collapse. But really, shark teeth? Enough said.

7. Ozzie Guillen: Maybe Ernie would say something that would really get him going and he would have another one of those unforgettable meltdowns where he would inevitably blame Cal, Ernie, the cameraman, the producer, even the sound guy for the lackluster show they were putting on. Priceless.

6. Dan Hawkins: Who? The University of Colorado coach who blew up this summer and told his players and player's parents that complained about summer practice that "this is D1 football brother!" He's in my fav five. Can you imagine if someone didn't run their hardest to first base on a routine ground ball? They would interrupt the telecast just to let us hear Hawkins blow up in the studio: "This is the big leagues brother! Go play tee ball!" Conversely I bet he would just gush about Eric Byrnes every time he got the chance. OH, and if you didn't know, he has a blog in which he said this:

I knew we would win on Saturday. Why? Our guys had a body of work that they could draw from. Their experiences had given them what they needed to form the proper frame of mind. All that was needed was for us to go out and sing our song and do our dance! Dance we did.

Dance you did Dan, dance you did.

5. Jay Buhner: My best friend in high school had a life-size stand-up cardboard cut-out of Jay drinking Mt. Dew. Actually, just stand that up between Ernie and Cal and I'd be happy. And has there ever been a more popular lifetime .254 hitter?

4. Bruce Willis: Then Ernie could play the game "Who Looks More Like Bruce Willis, Cal or Bruce?" Maybe Chuck could make a special guest appearance and share his thoughts on the matter. I would pay for that.

3. Vladimir Guerrero: I just wanna hear him give his take on hitting whenever they talk about all the good hitters in the playoffs. Ernie would ask him how we does it, and he would say, "I see the ball and I hit it." And then maybe Cal could translate for him or something, you know, like how Kenny always tries to save Chuck from making a fool of himself when he gets rambling about how bad every team in the league is.

2. Willie Randolph: They should make him sit through every single pitch of every single inning of every freaking playoff game that the Mets aren't in. And he should be forced to write a ten page report on every inning and submit it to the league office where some intern would read it over and then sit down with him and pick through every thing he wrote, word for word, questioning every decision he ever made. Thanks for your record breaking support Willie.

1. Steve Bartman: Wouldn't that be fun? Then they could break to him live in the studio when the Cubs find a new way to shatter their fans hearts and continue their century of woe. I would buy TiVo just for that and watch it in slo-mo and then bookmark it. Can you bookmark TiVo?

This just in, they just broke in to the studio to show the Big Hurt hitting two HR's against the twins in last years playoffs. They called the segment "Moment's in History." It should be, "Moments in history that didn't make history." Frank talked us through it, told us that he was just looking to contribute, or some other cliche sports euphemism. Can you put a price on that insight? I can't.

My hat's off to Ted Turner.

Thoughts on the First Quarter and a little bit more...

2007-10-02T11:49:00.000-04:00

It was a disappointing week for my picks, I went a paltry 6-8. But there was so much good in the weekend, coupled with the further demise of the Mets, that all in all I had to see it as a good weekend.

It also marks the first quarter point for the NFL, can you hardly believe it? It feels like just yesterday we were all praying that our fantasy players wouldn't get hurt in meaningless preseason games.

The Good: The Football Giants had 12 sacks! I don't even get 12 sacks in a game in Madden. It makes you wonder what the offensive coordinator and O-line coach were thinking halfway through the 12 sacks? "Well, that's 6 sacks Joe, should we change things up on the line yet?"

"Nope, I think we have weathered the storm, it can only get better from here, I say we call a few more seven step drop-backs for McNabb and see if we can open this game up!"

"That sounds like a great idea to me, that's why they pay you the large money I guess."

"It is."

Brett Favre and his Packers are off to an amazing 4-0 start. If I had a vote I would give the First Quarter MVP to Favre. He is singlehandedly leading that team to victories. They have a handful of no-name running backs that have led the Pack to worst rushing ranking in the league while Brett has led them to the second best passing ranking. If you aren't happy for Brett Favre you don't have a soul. Or you did, but you sold it for that Yankees hat you have.

The Pats and the Colts look unstoppable and like they are on a collision course for the AFC Championship game. If anyone can stop Randy Moss they might have a chance, but really, the Pats have always won without him, so even if they do find a way to slow him, they can always hand it off to someone like Sammy "you're still in the league?" Morris, or throw it to Mike Vrabel and they should be fine.

Kurt Warner will be starting by the end of the 2nd Quarter of the NFL, and probably by the second quarter of next week's game versus the Rams. If Matt Leinart can't get something going against my Rams, they might wanna rethink their blueprint for the future and look at Colt Brennan next year in the draft. And how cool would it be for Kurt to come back to St. Louis and lead the Cards to a victory with all those gloves and arm bands he wears?

The Lions are 3-1 and Jon Kitna looks like he could be the next Jimmy Rollins with his 10 win prediction. You know things have turned around when people are actually talking about the Lions in a way that doesn't have the word "doormat" sprinkled in there somehow. I still have this lingering feeling in the back of my head that they are gonna drop 5 or 6 in a row, just because they are the Lions, but who knows, maybe they are changing things over there and Matt Millen's 18 WR's in the first round strategy is finally working out?

The Bucs have to be included in the Good of the First Quarter. They already have as many wins as I thought they would have all season. Maybe Jeff Garcia really is a good QB? I don't know why I am so reluctant to believe in him? Maybe it's the Jerseys...it's gotta be. It could be a rough road ahead now that Cadillac is out for the season. But I can tell you that he hasn't done much for the team or my fantasy team anyway, so maybe they will be fine.

The Cowboys are good. Yippee! I hope an asteroid falls through that hole in their dome...

The Bad: The Rams, The Mets, The Chargers, The Bills, The Eagles, The Bengals, The Saints, Norv Turner.

I actually heard Norv Turner blame his players for their execution as the reason for the teams struggles. They were 14-2 last year! How can you fire the coach and hire this bum with a losing record to "turn around" the 2 loss Chargers? The Chargers front office is making a run at the worst in Sports with this debacle. Someone needs to call the Clippers and tell Donald Sterling that he might want to pick up his slack and fire-sale his whole team to make way for new seat-covers during the Clipper games.

The Rams lost another starting lineman. We really need to put Gus the Bust in their and just call it a season at this point. With two starters on the line, Brian Leonard in the backfield, and Bulger with two broken ribs...man...if they aren't ripe for a good comeback story I don't know who is? But let's be honest with ourselves Kevin, unless Kurt Warner suits up for the Rams next weekend on accident I don't see much light in the tunnel at this point.

The Bills are horrid. The Trent Edwards honey moon will wear off quickly.

The Chargers and Saints and Eagles need to pick it up and actually try to win games. They owe it to their fans. And speaking of owing it to their fans, I would like to share with you a letter the Mets front office issued to their loyal fans:

Dear Mets Fan:

All of us at the Mets are bitterly disappointed in failing to achieve our collective goal of building upon last year's success. We did not meet our organization's expectations -- or yours. Everyone at Shea feels the same range of emotions as you -- our loyal fans -- and we know we have let you down. We wanted to thank you for your record-breaking support of our team this year.

Equally important, Ownership will continue its commitment in providing the resources necessary to field a championship team. Omar will be meeting with Ownership shortly to present his plan on addressing our shortcomings so that we can achieve our goal of winning championships in 2008 and beyond.

You deserve better results.

Many thanks again for your record-breaking support.

Oh, phew, I feel so much better now. Record breaking support? How about record breaking failure...this letter is a sham, they should of just said nothing and gone about making the pitching staff serviceable for next year. But hey, thanks, it's always nice to hear that the organization shares our "range of emotions." What range are we talking about here? Devastated to Mad As Hell? Depressed to Suicidal? Thanks again.

Lastly, congratulations to the Rockies for overcoming the Miller curse and continuing their improbable run to the playoffs. As my friend Matt said last night, "even if the Rockies lost, everyone in Denver would have flooded the streets and applauded for giving us reason to watch this late in the season." Personally I hope they sweep the Phillies and Jimmy Rollins and Matt Holiday actually breaks his face sliding into home for the series-clinching run.

Pain Pills

2007-10-01T12:41:00.000-04:00

I separated my shoulder yesterday. I felt like I needed something to distract me from the Mets historic tankage in September. I left for work with the Mets down 8-1 and prayed that somehow a lightning storm or a hurricane would tear through Flushing and destroy all record of the game causing it to have to be replayed. Maybe Pedro could start again, and maybe we could win. But then...well, we would just lose in the playoffs and still be thought of as the worst best team in history.

So I pulled my shoulder out of socket and now have to worry about that. It also has taken my mind away from the Rams playing for the first pick in the draft next year. At one point during the game against the Cowboys yesterday the announcer said, "Maybe it's time to give Gus Frerotte a look." Man. I almost kicked my shin against the cement steps. Has it really gotten that bad that we are hoping Gus will be able to turn it around? Bulger has broken ribs and no offensive line, and rookie Brian Leonard is starting at RB. I guess it has gotten that dire in St. Louis. But again, it's okay, because I might have to go to the doctor for my partially separated shoulder. How did it happen, you ask? I was taking off a long sleeve shirt and pop! Slipped right out like Oden's crappy little knee cap when he got up from the couch...

This has been quite a weekend. The only thing that will save it for me is if TJ Whosyourdaddy goes for 55 fantasy points tonight against the All-Madden's, I mean the Patriots.

Week 4 Picks

2007-09-28T19:15:00.000-04:00

I just worked a lunch shift for the first time in months, which meant I had to wake up pre-noon, so I just now got up from my mid-evening nap. Oh, and if I hadn't mentioned before, I am a server at a restaurant here in DC and you can be damn sure that if Roy Williams ever sat at one of my tables he would get the worst service he ever dreamed possible. Including spilling his cheap white zin down his cheap back.

Anyway, on to my picks. Through three weeks: 29-19.

Houston def. Atlanta: This is another one of those picks that I could go either way on. For some reason the name Ron Dayne doesn't really instill a lot of confidence into me when thinking about the Texans running game, but then again, the name Joey Heisman does even less for me. Harrington had a good game last week and everyone in Atlanta probably hopes he doesn't so they can get on with the Byron Leftwich era. I take Houston in this one by less than 10.

Ravens def. Browns: The reality of Derek Anderson at QB will continue to be brought back down to Earth with this game for the Browns fans. The Ravens D hasn't been that incredible this year, but we're talking about the Browns here, and I don't think Jamal Lewis' "I will show them" game is going to account for much. Ravens clean up in Cleveland.

Oakland def. Miami: Culpepper's first start of the season. Possibly Trent Green's last. I have a feeling the Raiders put up big numbers in this one, and Ronnie Brown doesn't. Too bad. Dolphins move to 0-4 and start scouting the next player they are going to draft 3 rounds too high next year.

Lions def. Bears: Grossman is on the bench, some even suggested he might slip all the way down to 3rd on the depth chart, you know, to make way for Kyle Orton eventually . Yeah, good luck with that one. Who knows, maybe he's the next Brees. My moneys says not likely. Anyway, Kitna has convinced me that they might just have a winning season this year, maybe not 10 games, but maybe 9, and what with Brian Griese getting the nod this week and the Bears missing some key defensive players, the Lions can pull this one out at home.

Jets def. Bills: I am starting Chad Pennington this week thanks to Marc Bulger's broken ribs and my broken dreams for the Rams this year, so I need a big win here from the Jets. Lots of touchdowns. Lots of them. And who better to pin my hopes on but JP Losman and the Bills...oh, what? Losman is hurt? What's that? Trent Edwards? Oh. Right. Lee Evans may never catch another ball this year.

Packers def. Vikings: Tavaris Jackson may be my least favorite QB in the NFL behind Eli Manning. I would rather start Kordell Stewart at QB then Tavaris. Reason? No reason, just don't like him. Have you ever just not liked someone for absolutely no real reason at all? Like you didn't like the way someone wore their hair the day you met them and it just stuck with you every time you saw them? That's how I feel about Tavaris. Apparently Brett Favre has never won in the dome in Minnesota, I think they change that this week and push Green Bay fans to the point of delirium.

Cowboys def. Rams: I don't even want to talk about it.

SF def. Seattle: For all intensive purposes the Seagals should beat the Niners. But my friend Jon is going to be at the game, and I have a good feeling he is going to bring his treacherous luck to the stadium for his beloved Hawks and Hasslesack. That's the same reason I KNOW from the bottom of my heart the Rockies won't make the playoffs this year, because Jon jumped on the bandwagon. Jon jumping on your bandwagon is like someone jumping in your inflatable raft with spikes on (more on bandwagons in a later post).

Bucs def. Panthers: David Carr is starting, which means that the Buccaneers will have 1,000 sacks and Jeff Garcia leads the Elder Team to another win. And hey, maybe Cadillac can get some more TD's for my fantasy bench.

Chargers def. KC: Larry Johnson hasn't found a hole all season. There probably wasn't a hole to be found in the first place since the Chiefs have pushed all their chips in on Eddie Kennison for another year so opposing D's can put 11 in the box. The Chargers need this one badly. If they lose it at home I fully expect Norv Turner to be gone before years end. What's Marty up to these days, by the way? And If Tomlinson doesn't put up numbers this week all the fantasy owners who took him first overall should find a way to circumvent the "players you can't drop" rule and pick up Ron Dayne instead.

Denver def. Colts: I feel an upset coming. I don't want to jinx it, so I'm not gonna say much more, but I think this one has the makings for an Indy heartbreak.

Steelers def. Cardinals: Unless they start Kurt Warner. The Steelers are damn good, and the Cardinals are again showing why no one should ever have high expectation for them coming in to a season. If everyone just expected them to lose every game, any win would be a great thing for their fans. Even just a moral win, or one of those good losses. Steelers roll.

Eagles def. Giants: The Eagles found their stride and I think they keep it for another week here against the Giants in NY. I trust Eli like I trust Jared Lorenzon with my niece wrapped in bacon. I am starting Curtis this week even though I know he won't put up more than 10 points. It seems like a rule in fantasy that if a player scores 40 or more points in one week, the following week has to be a below-average outage. Which is why I never start role players who become stars until at least two weeks later. Say hello to Ronald Curry in my lineup. But Hines Ward is down, so Curtis gets the nod. Anyway. Eagles win. Eli throws interceptions and stares at nothing again.

Pats def. Bengals: The Patriots are too good. Randy Moss has 7 more good games in him. I hope this is a good game. I hope it's close. But I don't see anyone beating the Pats at this point in the year.

Games I wish could be played on Madden: Jets v Bills. Could there be a less entertaining game on TV this Sunday? Maybe ESPN is going to show soccer, unless Hope Solo is being interviewed I would rather watch the Jets/Bills over that, but lets just have two fat kids play this one out on Madden let everyone know the outcome.

Games I wish I could be at: Pats v. Bengals. There are three amazing receivers in this game and two amazing qb's. Even without Rudi Johnson I bet the Bengals are still able to move the chains. And God only know what Ocho-cinco will do if he scores.

Upset Watch: The victims of last weeks upset watch come back and take their revenge on Indy. Denver over Indianapolis.

Weekend Update #4

2007-09-23T15:25:00.000-04:00

As was pointed out by Steve, I went 10-6 this week, apparently he went 11-5, but really when you take into account that I told everyone I wasn't too confident about a lot of the games, and even said to watch out for Jax upsetting the Mile Higher's, I don't feel too bad about my 10. 11 would be nice though...

But on to the weekend that was. The Rams went ahead and lost the game, Steven Jackson to injury, and another starting lineman all in 60 minutes. They also allowed the Retirement Club and the Cadillac to move to 2-1, which makes me want to poke my eyes out. But really, there is still hope right? As a fan I have to believe that there is still hope, don't I? Even when I constantly hear from ESPN that only 5 teams in the history of the NFL have made the playoffs after starting 0-3. The last one being the '98 Bills. We all know how that turned out. Bright spot? Brian Leonard will start, and he will jump over someone, mark my words and watch for the highlight.

Kurt Warner brought a little of the turf-show magic out of the closet and might have started a QB controversy in Arizona. The Cards, obviously, lost to the Ravens 26-23 which wasn't that surprising when you consider they are the Arizona Cardinals. But the way Kurt came in and dominated the Ravens D was simply awesome. I'm not sure if he should start next week, but you should be damn sure that if Leinart puts up Iverson numbers again (9-20), Kurt and his bionic arm will be right back under center faster than you can say "Brett-Favre found the fountain of youth!"

Did anyone watch the Pack attack? Brett Favre tore apart the Charger's D on his way to tying Dan Marino for rhe most TD's in NFL history. I don't think he is using HGH, but Favre and Driver have to have found the Holy Grail or the road to Eldorado or something. Coupled with the Packers defense and Oregon Alum Nick Barnett, I could see the Packers making a trip to the playoffs a serious reality.

And to all those fantasy owners who picked up Derek Anderson and started him this week, I am sure Reality Football hurt a little bit this weekend. 2 picks and a lost fumble. Yeah. It's funny what happens when you aren't playing the Bengals. I might drop Bulger and just pick up anyone who is playing the Bungles if he is available. My friend, Jon, started almost the whole Seahawks offense in his fantasy game this week and came out a winner. Me on the other hand? I had Kevin Curtis and his 51 fantasy points on my bench. Had I known they Eagles were wearing those throwback glow in the dark jerseys, I would have definitely started him.

Finally there's another team that might take over the firm grip Oregon has on the ugliest jersey's award every year. I think Rueben Droughns, my arch-nemesis in fantasy football, thought he was playing for Oregon again when he scored two touchdowns on Sunday against the Skins. That's two more than he ever scored for any team I ever had him on.

There has been talk that the Blazer's are cursed, which we undeniably are, but I am starting to think that I might be cursed. It may just be a coincidence, but almost every team I like is going down the tube. The Mets are trying their hardest to give away the division and the playoffs all together, losing over and over to the mighty Nationals. The Rams...well, yeah. Notre Dame is off to it's worst start since the 1800's. The Blazers drafted yet another broke down center. There has to be a bright spot?

How bout Syracuse upsetting Louisville! How bout Oregon waxing Stanford! Yes, yes there is a bright spot. But if the Mets lose the division and the Rams go 0-16, a perma-cloud will follow me until the Blazers win more than 35 games.

Actually, as long as there are guys out their like Oklahoma St. coach Mike Gundy blowing his top at a post-game press conference, a game in which they beat Texas Tech, I will be able to maintain a decent level of happiness.

"I'm a man! I'm forty!"

Sleeper HGH Pick: Norv Turner. Desperation does a lot of things...

Week 3 Picks

2007-09-21T11:37:00.000-04:00

I am 21 days late on my rent, but these picks need to be made. Looking at the schedule for this week there are only a handful of games that I think are no-brainers, the rest, you would be hard pressed to find me placing bets on them with a shady bookie in a back alleyway. So, here we go:

Week 3 Picks:

Rams def. Bucs: I'm not making this pick totally based on my allegiance to the Rammers, well, maybe 60%, but even after last week when Garcia and Galloway put on a show for the late 90's and gave a post-game interview where they seemed to be lovers on the DL, I have to believe Week 1 wasn't a fluke for them. The Rams will figure out a way to hold on to the ball and put the ball in the endzone. If not, Linehan might want to get some ice for that seat. Rams 24-17.

SD def. Packers: This one pains me to pick it, but I have a feeling LT will find a way to get some yards and some points this week on Green Bays' "revamped" D. I honestly didn't even know Charles Woodson was still in the league. Favre will break the record for INT's. SD 21-10.

Jets def. Miami: A coin toss for me. Pennington is back, but Thomas Jones is averaging less than 3 ypc, and I really just don't believe in them at all to win this game. But they are the home team, and the Dolphins are not much to write home about either. Jets 14-13. If Tedd Ginn, Jr. takes one back for a TD, Dolphins 18-12.

Ravens def. Arizona: Baltimore's D will be up for the challenge this week, and given the fact that this game is in Baltimore and McNair should be under center again, I tip the scales towards the the Ravens. I think this game might look a little like the Cincy game in Week 1, with Baltimore on top this time. Bmore 27-21.

Colts def. Texans: No Andre Johnson? No way. Matt Schaub is good, but Peyton Manning is unreal. The Colts steamroll. 31-10.

Philly def. Lions: If not...McNabb will hear even more criticism. I think this one will be close. I am starting to slowly gain a little love for John Kitna. But this is another of those games where I give the edge to the home team and a veteran QB. Eagles 24-21.

Vikings def. KC: Unless Superman suits up for the Chiefs any time soon, you might be hard-pressed to find me picking KC over anyone other than Notre Dame. Vikings win, and Adrian Peterson continues to impress. Vikes 20-10.

Patriots def. Buffalo: The Patriots are too angry right now to be slowed down by Marshawn Lynch and the Bills at home. Randy Moss is up to 2/10 good games needed, I think he goes for three here. Pats 28-7.

Steelers def. SF: Willie Parker is third in Rushing Yards, which opens up the game for Big Ben to find his receivers down field. I think this trend continues at home this week. The Niners barely squeaked by my Rams last week, and I don't think Pitt is going to be handing them the win like Dante Hall did. Pitt 27-14.

Raiders def. Browns: I have a bad feeling Derek Anderson's fantasy superstardom might come crashing to an end this game. And can Jamal Lewis really get that many yards two games in a row? I am looking for the Raiders to exploit every weak part of the Browns' D and then stop them with their surprisingly good defense. Raiders 21-10.

Bengals def. Seahawks: This one will kill my dad if Chad Johnson puts on another show after a touchdown, he hates stuff like that. I don't believe Seattle is going to be that good this year in the long term, and the Bengals' D has something to prove after giving up 51 points to me on Madden last week, I mean, to Derek Anderson and the Browns. They are too good, or potentially too good, to have two bad games in a row. The 12th man in Seattle can't get on the field or in the players heads for this one. Cincy 28-21.

Broncos def. Jax: Travis Henry is the leading rusher in the league, and the second leg of my dynamic fantasy duo with big-play Willie. Although they are luckier than all get-out to be 2-0, I think they win here at home and push their record to a superbowl-fever-inducing 3-0 in Denver. If they do win here check the headlines folks, Denver will lose their minds and crown Cutler the next king of heaven and give him the keys to John Elway's car dealerships. Broncos 21-13.

Giants def. Redskins: If they don't, I might have to leave D.C. for the same reasons as mentioned above. Giants 14-13.

Panthers def. Falcons: Everything inside me wants to believe that Joey will man-up and throw the ball away instead of taking sack after sack, especially with Leftwich coming to town to take over. The time is now for Harrington to make some plays and get a W. But, sadly, I don't think it will happen, and sadly, my least favorite jerseys in the league will most likely win this game and send Joey to the bench. Panthers 20-6.

Cowboys def. Bears: I life the Cowboys offense, and more than that, I like seeing Wade Phillips break a sweat. Unless Hester breaks off another TD, I like Dallas in this one by 3. 20-17. Hester effect: 24-17 Chicago.

Saints def. Titans: The Saints can't lose two Monday night games in the first three weeks can they? It's either they win here, or lose all pride and slump to 0-3 and forget about the playoffs. At home on Monday I think they pull it out and find a way to right the ship. Saints 24-14.

Games I wish I could be at: San Diego at Green Bay. While I do think the Chargers are going to win, I would love to be in Green bay for this one. Brett Favre and Driver are clicking, and the fans are going to be ready for this one. Ever since LT solidified himself in the Fantasy Hall of Fame, everyone wants to beat San Diego because of all the hype that surrounds the team.

Cincy at Seattle is another game I think is going to be a gem. My dad used to take me to a game in Seattle every year, we would sit up in the nose bleeds and watch with binoculars in the Kingdome. This is the game I would choose. People in Seattle probably hate Chad Johnson and TJ because they have a little attitude to 'em. Seattle players are the most boring, ho-hum players in the league, but they love them. And with the Sonics leaving and the Mariners dumping the last two months of the season, this city is primed for another heartbreak.

Games I wish could be decided on Madden: Carolina/Atlanta. Until Leftwich starts it's too hard to watch or care about the hapless Falcons. And again, I just can't stand the Panthers jerseys.

Miami/Jets. Both teams 0-2, one team has to win, but both teams are battling for top spot in the draft next year unless Uncle Chad can not get hurt for the first time in his life, so really, wouldn't the best way to figure this one out just be to play it on Madden and move on to Week 4?

Upset Watch: Jacksonville at Denver.

Daly v. Janikowski: Rumble till we Stumble

2007-09-20T02:12:00.001-04:00

I was talking to my brother-in-law, Geoff, today on Gchat and this is what we came up with: We need to see a death match between John Daly and the "John Daly" of place kickers, Sebastian Janikowski.

It will start Sunday night. Sebastian will have played a day game, and Daly will have tanked enormously as always after the first two days of the tourney. Of course, he will have a following, a huge following on the final day of the tournament even though he's 12 shots off the lead, because he can drive the ball farther and crack jokes wittier than anyone else on tour. But he will lose and be happy with his winnings. And then it will be on.

Sebastian v. Daly. An epic battle of drinking and endurance.

It will be televised on SPIKE TV. Live.

First round: Shot for shot at a local bar. A dive bar. The kind of bar you would most likely find these two when out on their own. The kind of bar with a cocktail waitress named Sue. She's got an 80's perm job and three kids to support with each nights tips. A lifer.

The two walk in. Take their seat, and ask for endless shots of Jagermeister and Redbull. After the 8th or 9th they start chanting "Jager Bomb! Jager Bomb! Jager Bomb! BOOOOMBS AWAY!" With each shot put back they stare each other down until the chant resumes. After twenty shots they are on to the next challenge.

They stumble out of the bar and on to the set of MXC (Most Extreme Challenge). Asia's hottest import to the U.S. since Ichiro. They take turns stumbling up the gauntlet towards the castle while those big rocks come tumbling down at vomit-inducing speeds, but no matter how many times each of them gets knocked down and swallows their own throw-up out of pride, these two gladiators get back to their feet.

At one point Sebastian gives up on dodging the boulders and starts to kick them out of the gauntlet. It is truly an impressive feat, but one that shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who has seen his kickoffs.

John Daly takes note of this and pulls a little magic of his own on his way to the top. From somewhere deep inside his shorts he is wearing in protest of the PGA's "no shorts" rule, he pulls out his trusty over-sized driver. As the boulders approach, and as the commentators make asinine comments about the girth of his club and the length of his shaft, John lines up, keeps his head down, and hacks away at the boulder he has convinced his inebriated mind is just "a big 'ol golf ball!" He drives three of four of these boulders out of the gauntlet and into the one of the sludge pools on the course, all the spectators stand and yell "get in the sludge! Bite! Bite!"

At the end, after all the boulders have been kicked and drove out of the gauntlet our two heroes make their way to the top, drunk-happy as a sailor seeing land and half-decent women for the first time in years. They try and high five but miss, laugh about it, and make their way back to the bar for round three!

This is where it gets hazy. The cameramen are drunk purely from second-hand drinking. Sue can barely walk from the bar to the small table the two are hulking over, and it is rumored they do somewhere between twenty to thirty more shots before finally they both fall out of their chairs, laughing at first, then appear to be pass out drunk. As soon as they were about to call it a tie, we hear a rustling on the floor, someone has held on to one last shot as they fell from the chairs, who is it?! Big John Daly sits up on one elbow, looks at Sebastian sprawled out on the dirty floor next to him, winks at the camera, and takes one more triumphant shot!

It's an instant ESPN Classic.

Weekend Update #3

2007-09-17T14:15:00.000-04:00

My allegiance to my distrust of all things Houston Texans is starting to hurt me. Luckily I had no money on the game, but it did bring my already paltry week 2 results to a disappointing 9-7. I dropped the ball. It's ok, I'll bounce back. But for now, here are some thoughts on Week 2 in the NFL:

Tons of great drops this week, game changing drops in fact. Justin McCareins dropped a pass at the 5 that could have tied the game and given the Jets a little hope of making the post season, the stats on 0-2 teams making it to the playoffs is seriously depressing. I put a call in to Scott Linehan and reminded him of that, no word yet.

1st place goes to Brandon Jones of the mighty Titans. Vince did all he could to win the game, and Brandon Jones pulled a Nick-Anderson-esque choke by dropping two consecutive passes. In the end the Titans came up short when Indy threw the 10 man box-1 on Vince Young for the last play of the game.

Sunday was a great day for chokes all around, not just WR's joined the fun, fat kickers did too. Sebatsian Jankiowski fell victim to the freeze play. If you didn't see it you have to check it out, Mike Shanahan calls a timeout just before the ball is snapped for the go-ahead field goal, but the play goes on and Janikowski knocks one through and makes plans in his head to go straight to the bar after the big win, "the toast of the town I will be!"

The Refs call it back, says there was a timeout, everyone loses their minds on the Raiders sideline, and the Freeze is on. Everyone knows they are trying to put the Freeze on him, but everyone also knows that it rarely works. So Janikowski trots back out on the field to give it a go, and this time boinks it off the left upright. Shanahan thanked Dr. Freeze in his postgame speech, no joke.

My friend Paul's dad was so disgusted his Broncos lost to the Raiders that he turned the game as Sebastian's first kick was in the air. His wife told him later that she couldn't believe the Broncos won. I hope he had TiVo.

If I had TiVo I would go back and watch the Browns/Bengals track meet and see if they actually had defensive players on the field. Over 1000 yards of total offense combined for both teams and 96 points later you had one of the greatest fantasy games of all time! Sadly, I only had one player from that game, and my opponent had three. He set the high score for the week. You know its a shootout when Braylon Edwards gives you almost 40 points of total offense. And am I the only one that is starting to think that Jamal Lewis might have secretly traded souls with LT? Tomlinson is having the worst year of his life so far while Lewis is running for over 200 yards again, circa post-jail year!

And lets hear it for the Pac-10 this weekend. Palmer, Derek Anderson, Chad and TJ, Kellen Clemens, Matt Lienart, even Rueben Droughns is returning kicks. Heck, there were more Beavers in the Bengals/Browns game then Roger Goodell suspensions so far this year. I can't wait for everyone to run out and pick up Derek Anderson in their fantasy leagues and start him next week against Oakland. I am a big DA fan, but I doubt he will be able to put up Madden numbers again this year, especially when Baltimore comes to town and he has to stare down Ray Lewis and his torn bicep. What a man. Lewis even got an interception this week. If I had a torn bicep I would make someone raise the beer glass to my mouth for me. "MMM....a little more please..."

On a more depressing note this weekend, the spirit of Az Hakim hasn't left St. Louis. Dante Hall muffed the fair catch in the fourth quarter with the Rams up 16-14. The Niners kicked a field goal and Wilkins missed a 56 yard game winner later. I actually said to myself while following the game online before the punt:

"Man, I am glad we don't have the Wizard of Az anymore. Thank God for Dante Hall..."

Even though the rams had 200 yards more than the Niners on offense they couldn't squeak out a win. The Niners must be the most unimpressive 2-0 team in a long time. Both their wins have come by way of the other team not actually wanting to win the game. And, both games have been NFC West games. Whoever gets in from this division is going to be like the 7th and 8th seed in the Eastern Conference, it's fun for them and their respective fans, but no one really cares.

Personally, I think everyone in the league is playing for second place behind the Patriots. Even without their cameras they obliterated the Thunder Bolts. The Pats doubled the Chargers yards on offense and had 11 minutes more of possession time. Bill Simmons wrote a great article on the game. Like I said after Week 1, if Randy Moss gives them 10 games like this, so only 8 more, they will dominate all year. 14 or 15 wins isn't out of the question.

You know what else isn't out of question? OJ Simpson being the dumbest man in America. Forget the murders he may or may not have committed, that's a moot point now, you have to read this article about his arrest. My favorite part is when he tells the reporter that despite the arrest, "I am having a great time," and that he thought, "what happens in Las Veags stays in Las Vegas." Really?

He is a 60 year old man who just potentially went into a room with his old friends and stole things that weren't his at gunpoint. He is facing a lot of jail time, which he probably won't get we all know, but really, this is what you have to say about it? Wow. That's like if Janikowski celebrated after missing the second kick by doing cartwheels into the the locker room. If Art Shell was around for that, even he would have to react.

And finally, there were many upsets in college football this weekend. But my favorite moment of all of them, hands down, was the look on the Kentucky assistant coach's face after Kentucky scored the go-ahead touchdown. I'm sure you saw it if you saw the replays, and for the life of me I can't find a picture of this guy, but it was classic. This spindly white kid with a clipboard and a headset runs on to the field and does a squat-scream with so much dedication in his face that I swear he was going to drop a deuce right there on the field. Kentucky is ranked #21 in the polls, the first time since 1984 that they have been seen in the top 25, but I wonder if the voters had seen this guy celebrate before voting would they have ranked them a few spots higher. I think it's worth it.

Week 2 Results: 9-7
Overall: 19-13

I am off to see the Mets play the Nationals tonights, fingers crossed that John Maine can go the whole game...

Week 2 Picks

2007-09-14T12:45:00.001-04:00

I am looking to improve on my 10-6 performance last week. It's hard to focus on anything else other than Greg Oldman having microfracture surgery, but I will endure.

Indy def. Ten: Everyone is talking about how Indy should be worried about going in to Tennessee because of Vince Young and the run offense. I think Tennessee should be worried about Indy's stable of offensive horses they got over there, and I think the D will man up and stop Tennessee and Vince.

Green Bay def. NYG: Possibly no Eli, possibly the largest QB in NFL history replacing him and an unproven running back by the name of Derrick Ward? I am going with Favre breaking the record for all-time wins.

Cincy def. Cleveland: Be it Anderson or Quinn or even my boy the Dorsal Fin, Cincy rolls, Chad dances, and TJ has long hair.

Carolina def. Houston: I heard a commentator say the Texans might make the playoffs. I might be superman. Carolina has to beat Houston, they beat my Rams last week...our strength of schedule needs it...

New Orleans def. TB: Cadillac is knicked up, and New Orleans is looking to rebound from their drubbing last week. 28-9 New Orleans.

Pitt def. Buffalo: Pitt runs all over Buffalo's weak run D, Big Ben basks in the light of throwing 4 td's last week, and JP Losman still has untapped potential.

Atlanta def. Jax: This one is a hard for me to swallow, but I feel it. I still don't believe that the Jags are near as good as anyone thinks they are, and even though I do believe Joey H is as bad as everyone thinks, I think Atlanta pulls this one out by a late field goal. 13-10.

Rams def. Niners: Bulger has a big day, Darrell Jackson drops TD's, and Steven Jackson steam rolls. They will miss Pace, but Barron should be serviceable.

Detroit def. Minny: If this game were in Minnesota I would pick the Vikings. Peterson runs amok, but in the end Detroit moves to an unheard of 2-0!

Seattle def. Cardinals: Those loyal Card fans endure another heartbreaking loss. At this point though, shouldn't they kind of be numb to it all?

Dallas def. Miami: Miami got beat by the hapless skins. They looked horrible. I think Ronnie Brown gets stifled by Dallas' D, and TO has another big day...sadly.

Chicago def. KC: The Chiefs are playing for the number 1 pick next year, they better pray to the draft gods that he isn't a distant relative of Oden.

Baltimore def. Jets: Baltimore, with or without Air McNair, beats the Jets and Kellen Clemens by two scores. Baltimore's D is the scariest thing I have seen since the Boogey Man.

Denver def. Oakland: Good news though! Jamarcus might be on the sidelines! Still, T-9 has ten touchdowns, one for each kid and one for the bun in the oven, and my fantasy team rolls!

Patriots def. Lightning Bolts: Not convinced about the Norv Turner effect. And the Pats have to much pride and to much to prove. New England squeaks one out at the end and John Madden picks an O Lineman as the Horse Trailer player of the week. Love those kankles.

Philly def. Washington: McNabb goes off. Kevin Curtis makes me wish I would start him, and Westbrook continues to be one of the more underrated RB's in the NFL. And oh yeah, the skins show up and try and move the ball downfield...

Games I wish I could be at: Patriots vs. Bolts. I think this is gonna be an epic game, there is so much intrigue on both sides of the ball. Maybe Merriman will accidentally run into a camera on the sideline and bleed HGH...God is funny that way.

Games I wish didn't have to be played: Atlanta/Jax, Carolina/Houston. Maybe they could put all four teams in a ring and have a royal rumble match. Other than that, I have no interest in either of these games, unless Delhomme is sick or injured and can't play and David Carr steps in against his old team. He should change his number to V for Vendetta and throw for 400 yards.

Possible Upsets I hope don't happen: Oakland over Denver. Unless it is a shootout. Because really, I would love for the Raiders to beat Denver and their High and Mighty fans. I mean, Mile High Fans. And for the love of God, don't let the Titans win. I don't want to hear about the greatness of Vince again this week. Unless it's in reference to how he is the next Randall Cunningham.

Upsets I secretly hope happen: Giants and the Pillsbury QB over Green Bay.

Diary of a Depressed Man

2007-09-14T02:20:00.000-04:00

2:47 pm: I am chatting on Gmail with my friend Jon about whether or not he should pick up Deuce McAllister in our fantasy league. Then it came. The most devastating news in my recent memory.

Jonathan: holy shit

turn to ESPN right now

i mean the website

I thought maybe Lou Pinella was taking HGH, or they found out that Tim Hardaway really is clinically insane, but no. Greg Oden had microfracture surgery. Out for the season. For all I care, out for life.

2:50 pm: My head is spinning. Images of Mashburn, Webber, Allan Houston, Amare, Sam Bowie, Bill Walton are swimming through my head, all flipping me off. I tell Jon I have to go.

3:30 pm: I am showering. I have entered depression. It doesn't feel good. The presumably hot water feels cold.

4:15 pm: Driving to work I start to rationalize: "Maybe he will be better? Is that possible? Maybe, everything is possible, anything can happen nowadays! Right? Right?! Right! Yeah. This isn't so bad, and heck, we still have a good team, and shoot, maybe Aldridge's heel will heal and Roy will play all 82 games and Durant will suck. Who knows! Maybe HE will be the next Darko! Ha! The Sonics....I pitty them..."

4:16: I am almost in tears. I contemplate quitting the Blazers. Possibly quitting the NBA and basketball as a whole.

4:45: At work, standing at the bar watching the doctors talk about microfracture surgery on ESPN News. It doesn't look good. 12 months to be safe, they have nothing to lose, they say, by taking it slow with Oden. WE HAVE EVERYTHING TO LOSE! No one around me cares. We are in Washington, D.C. I take a shot of vodka.

5:00: They are replaying the Blazer's News Conference. I am reading the subtitles because the volume is off. Nate McMillan looks like he wants to kill himself. Pritchard hasn't slept in years. Nate talks about how they were looking forward to LaMarcus and Greg playing together. I want to cry. Pritchard assures us Oden is still the right pick. If I could fly, I would fly to Portland on the winds of the gods and puke all over Pritchard.

6:00: I have resigned to give up on the Blazers for 5 years. I won't even check the boxscores, I won't watch the highlights, I won't go to games. 5 years should be long enough for Oden to be out of the league, right? 5 years it is.

6:15: I discuss the possibilities of Oden coming back and being near the same, whatever that is, after rehabbing. Co-worker laughs. I laugh. This is funny. This has to be funny. God has to hate us. Maybe Oregon shouldn't have assisted suicide. I blame Kavorkian. I hate Kavorkian.

6:30: Contemplate writing a letter to the Oregon Congress about passing a law requiring all Oregonians to repent of everything they have ever done. I would conclude with this: It is only by this, and through this, that I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that said smiting (the smiting from God would have been well referenced and documented in relation to Blazer history) should cease and the success will return to this cursed franchise.

6:55: At every table I greet I see Kevin Durant.

7:45: I feel drunk. The gambit of emotions my body has endured in the last five hours has led to me feeling inebriated. I welcome it. I embrace it.

10:00: Work has slowed, the dinner rush is over. My body has returned to reality, and with it, my depression. Text messages from unsympathetic friends fill my inbox. I hate them all. I wish terrible things on them.

11:00: Sportscenter. Oden. Shoot me.

12:00 AM: I call a friend, a Nugget fan, and tell him of my five year hiatus. His answering machine listens intently to my three minute diatribe of hate. I tell him I will never move back to Portland. Ever. I tell him it is too much. I can't take it anymore. Mashburn. Houston. Hardaway. Webber. Bowie. Walton. Bowie. Bowie. Bowie.

12:35 AM: I call my friend Andy on the way home from work. We watched the draft together. We both rooted for the Blazers to select Oden. I told him of my thoughts of -- Bowie -- retiring from the Blazers for five years. He laughed. I laughed. I knew I couldn't do it. He tells me that Pritchard picked the right kid. I ask him what the reaction in Portland has been like.

"Typical. Looking for the bright side, you know, 'we'll get him next year.' That kind of crap."

I tell him that's bull poop. "It's a bust. It's a bust. There is no way around it. There is no way to find the silver lining. There is no good side to this. Durant is going to score 50 on the Blazers and there is nothing we can do about it. We are cursed. He said he isn't going to buy season tickets anymore.

12:55 AM: This thought passes through my mind: Maybe Joel Przybilla will have a career year. Maybe I should move to Nova Scotia.

Cheating on Frye

2007-09-13T03:24:00.000-04:00

Why is everyone so up in arms about the Patriots cheating? Do we really believe that every team doesn't try and steal signs from the other sideline? When you are playing football in the backyard or on the beach with your friends you do all you can to see who the qb is pointing to in the huddle, and to hear what play he is calling. I don't know if my morals are lower then they should be, I am a lifelong Blazers fan, maybe that has something to do with it, but I honestly don't see why some pundits and TV heads want to burn the Pats at the stake for this.

I just watched a segment on ESPN's First Take where a "spy expert" showed us all the tools that possibly could be used when stealing signs. Thanks. It was cool seeing the over-sized Binoculars and all, but the guy happened to be a Jets fan, and he happened to believe that the Pats W should be taken away by the league and given to the Jets. If they take the win away from the Pats why would they give it to the Jets? They got slaughtered! It's not like it was a close game in the fourth quarter and Nash got body checked into the scorers table. No blood no foul. Well, no broken bones no foul.

Don't put an asterisk by the championships, don't take away wins, don't suspend the coach, maybe take away a draft pick or something, or if you really want to hurt the team and their fans, limit the amount of people who can come to their next home game by 10k. Can you imagine if Bill Simmons was left out in the cold because of Cameragate? Hellfire would reign down.

Another thing that baffled me after this weekend was Cleveland trading their opening day starting quarterback?! Granted it was Charlie Frye, but it makes me wonder what in the world Cleveland is thinking here? If they had started Derek Anderson instead of Frye and Anderson went 4/10 with a pick, would they have traded him to the Seagals too? If they want Quinn to start without there being much grumbling from the other QB's on the roster, just show them the tapes of all the games they played, and then simply ask: "Any questions?" I don't blame Frye though, I blame Big Ben. Had he not won it all in his rookie year no one would have believed in the MAC QB craze. Jacksonville fell prey to the same thing, putting their hopes on the bum ankles of Leftwich.

Besides the unprecedented trading of an opening day quarterback in the first week thing, what really makes me scratch my head is not that they signed Ken Dorsey to be the third stringer, but that they are saying they signed him to be a MENTOR for Quinn! The Dorsal Fin hasn't done anything since running the offense for the NFL-Hurricanes against college kids.

His career 63.5 QB Rating is enticing, but I think Quinn might be hoping his career trajectory has a little more arch to it rather than a sharp downward angular look to it. I hope NFLTV has a camera following the mentor-mentee duo around as the season goes on. I want to hear what Dorsal has to say when Quinn throws his first INT on a blown Cover 2 read and trots back to the sideline with his head hung a little low:

Dorsey: Hey, hey, keep your head up buddy, huh?!
Quinn: I didn't see the linebacker shift over...I...
Dorsey: I know, it's hard, believe me I KNOW. Look Quinn, why don't we just call it a day and go grab a little snack, maybe a brew or two?
Quinn: That was only the first drive of the game Ken, there is still the whole game left.
Dorsey: I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean. They have fast players out there. So fast. Just so...fast.
Quinn: (looking away awkwardly) Yeah...well, thanks?
Dorsey: No problem, hey, that's what I'm here for right?! (pumps his chest with his fist and then points to the sky.)

Anyway, I am off to see if I can find out what Romanowsky has to say about the Patriots cheating. Unheard of.

Weekend Update #2

2007-09-11T01:01:00.000-04:00

I was 10-6 this week. Not bad. Not great. Maybe if Mario Williams wouldn't have gotten the game ball from Tom Jackson I would have been 11-5. But as I sat there last night and watched as Arizona found new ways to lose to San Fran, I couldn't help but think what a great first weekend it was. Not to mention that I pulled out a victory in week one of my fantasy football league, even though I scored the lowest points for a winning team in the league thanks to Santanna Moss scoring a whopping 5 points. Ronald Curry meanwhile, warming my bench, put up 29...

I was counting on Marc Bulger to put up astronomical numbers all year when I drafted him as my QB in every single league I'm in, but alas, the turf show and Jackson got off to a seriously hobbled start. I had to track the game online and thought they had the players names wrong when Action Jackson fumbled twice! How can he break the record for yards from scrimmage if he fumbles? It's okay though, I still believe, and the Niner's are coming to town next week, so all we have to do is run the box-and-1 on Gore and let Alex Smith try to throw every down and we should be golden. As for Jackson and Bulger, it might be a little more difficult all year with the loss of Orlando Pace...maybe we should bring back Turley? Nah.

The Broncos, meanwhile, and their crazed fans believe they have found the next Elway, finally. Jay Cutler led a game winning drive and is now taking to the throne as we speak. I wonder if they remember that The Snake was pretty good at 4th quarter comebacks too? Maybe he should get his own car dealership.

Speaking of guys who used to be good, remember Joey Heisman when he played for Oregon? He was the king of the comeback. I got a text from my brother-in-law after the Atlanta game ended, you know the one, the one where Joey threw a touchdown for the other team, it said: "You're right. Joey does suck." It's harsh to say that he sucks, he doesn't really suck that bad, he is just not the guy you want throwing the ball for your NFL team.

I was kind of surprised though that Joey didn't play better, I don't know why, maybe I too was tricked into believing in the powers of Petrino. But then again, there were many surprises this weekend...one of the main reasons I almost lost this week in fantasy land was because of some gangly WR out in New England that decided to put his pads on the right way for the first time since Minnesota and go nuts on the Jets. Stealing signs or not, Moss was on a whole other level. If he can play like that for at least ten of their games, it might be hard to stop them. And is it just me, or does Randy Moss kind of look like the lead singer from the Ramones as seen in the movie Rock ''n' Roll High School? The tight pants? The hair? No?

Something that didn't surprise me on Monday night was the Niners' wide reciever #82 dropping balls in the end zone. I was chatting on Gmail with my friend Jon, a diehard Seahawks fan:

Jonathan: question why do you trade your #1 reeciever for a fourth round pick?

answer: because he sucks
and his name is Darrel Jackson...

It was perfect. He had just dropped the pass in the endzone, the one that dropped right over his shoulder and through his hands, and Jon felt redeemed for all those balls that slipped through his hands when he was a Seagal.

A little redemption also came for Notre Dame fans when Arnaz Battle scored the go-ahead TD and re-instilled reality into the Cardinal fans, not to mention former USC QB Matt Leinart. Maybe the Karma from the "Bush-push" still hasn't worn off. When the season has started out as bad as it has for Notre Dame, we gotta take what we can get.

And just when I thought the Giants couldn't be any more depressing than they already are, Eli goes down with a shoulder injury. Although he is listed as week to week, it still has to suck to be a Giants fan right now. Your counting on Brandon Jacobs, oh wait, no he is hurt too, your counting on Derrick Ward, who? Your former running back is making headlines from the booth, and your probable starting qb for next week is none other than Jared Lorenzen. All 450 pounds. But honestly, he is one of my favorite all time qb's. Did you ever use him in NCAA Football for EA? He was a monster. I took him into the league to build my team around him but his 6.5 40 time proved to be a little too slow for...well, anything besides a 1 step dropback. Good luck.

And finally, as I was driving to work Sunday night and listening to the end of the Redskins game, another game no one wanted to win (see Fred Smoot), and I changed the channel a few times to make sure I hadn't accidentally tuned into the local Retirement home's broadcast. It seemed like Larry Michael, the play by play man, invited his friend who happened to be in town from West Virginia into the studio and the friend happened to bring his senile Uncle along. They literally just rambled on and on about what they hoped would happen, not what actually was happening on the field. It was like listening to Bill Walton try and explain tap dancing. Lots of words, none that actually pertained to anything in particular, but lots and lots of words.

Now I am off to pick up the backup for Derrick Ward for my fantasy squad. Unless that guys' name is a the same as a meaty sandwich.

The Silver Lining

2007-09-08T14:04:00.000-04:00

I don't know if God is smiting me or if it's just bad luck, but lately all my false idols have crumbled like my 2000 Blazers in the fourth quarter against the Lakers.

First, and I have been reluctant to talk about this because it was a devastating blow to my soul, so much so that I had a dream about it last night where I renounced this man to my friends, Bear Grylls is a fake. If you don't know who he is, I envy you. He is the star of Man v. Wild on The Discovery Channel, and he broke my heart. He parachutes into god-awful places and survives on nothing but what he finds in nature and his intellect and teaches you how to get to safety if you ever find yourself stuck in the French Alps with only a sharpie. That kind of thing. But apparently he has been duping all of us and staying in hotels and having other people make rafts out of bamboo for him...it's too depressing to go on.

Now, another idol has fallen like Tony Romo on the one yard line. Rick Ankiel used HGH back in 2004. Honestly, I haven't even read anything about it, or watched any reports on ESPN about what actually went down. But man, do I have to drop him from my Fantasy Baseball team now? He has catapulted me back into the chase for 7th place. And besides that, can you get a cooler story than Ricky throwing the ball into the upperdeck and then coming back years later and hitting balls into the upperdeck? He's like the real-life "Natural." But damn this HGH stuff. Apparently it wasn't illegal when he used it, so maybe there's a little silver lining to be found, but still, now he is gonna join the likes of Sammy and Mark and Barry and Jose and Wade Wilson with asterisks by their name.

But all is not lost. Mike Pelfrey got another win for the Metropolitans, who has a pretty good comeback story of his own brewing. He started the year the darling of the Mets rotation before dropping to 0-5 and then taking the bus to the minors. But now he's back and has good fortune on his side. And speaking of my Mets, how bout their response to dropping 3 to Philly by going on a tear to push their lead back up to 6 in the division. Just give us 5 innings Pedro, just five and then we'll hand it over to our amazing bullpen and close the...oh wait. Pitch all nine Pedro, just all nine, I beg you.

And finally, the real silver lining, the NFL has begun and I can finally stop making pre-season fantasy moves that will most likely come back to haunt me. I have made 5 already in one of my leagues, albeit one being dropping Mike Bell or whoever it was that was supposed to be backing T-9 and picking up Selvin Young just in case T-9 loses favor in Denver.

The Colts pounded the Boilermakers, I mean the Saints, and Drew Brees gave my Fantasy opponent a whopping 2 points. Thank you Brees. I don't know how he managed two points, he should've been docked points for never going downfield, not even once, while the score was still close. My favorite part of the whole night though, watching Saint's CB Jason David get burned repeatedly by his old team. I bet with every bomb he watched being dropped over his head he was thinking to himself, "Damn...was Mardi Gras really worth changing teams...I do like those beads though..."

The Rams open the 2007 season against the Panthers, who I am betting will go 7-9, losing 4 of their last 5 games, with a final crushing loss to the mighty Buccaneers which will finally usher out the Delhomme era and give the Bucs win number 4. So long Jon.

Here's my picks for Week 1:

--Washington def. Miami: The magic might be gone for Trent Green.

--Atlanta def. Minnesota: Harrington v. Tavaris...coin toss...Ducks win.

--Tennessee def. Jacksonville: Gotta believe Vince has a good game or four before the curse catches up with him. It's a shame. It has to happen, but it's a damn shame. So much promise.

--Rams def. Panthers: 100-58, the Greatest Show on Turf lives on for another year.

--Steelers def. Browns: There is a reason they drafted Quinn, they don't trust Frye. Oh, who's starting? Weird. Steelers roll.

--Pats def. Jets: Thomas Jones is good. Pennington is worse.

--Philly def. Green Bay: I would take McNabb over Favre in any competition, except facial hair. Favre has kickass facial hair.

--Denver def. Bills: Just because my whole Fantasy season rides on T-9 getting TD's this year.

--KC def. Texans: I still can't believe in the Texans. Mario Williams still haunts me. Actually, I say they tie. 3-3.

--Seattle def. Tampa: This won't be one of the Bucs 4 wins. The 12th man in Seattle is too much for the Swashbucklers.

--Detroit def. Oakland: But this one comes down to the final possessions of the game, and neither team really tries to win. Maybe a fumble return by Detroit or a safety to win the game.

--Bolts def. Bears: I hate Grossman.

--Dallas def. Giants: Giants have Rueben Droughns.

--Baltimore def. Cincy: And every Ravens defensive player takes a cheap shot at Ocho-Cinco.

--Niners def. Cards: In a devastating loss, the Cards, up 14 at half, find a way to continue the doom. "But they have such good owners" everyone says. If only they could play the games.

Book it.

Weekend Update #1

2007-09-03T12:26:00.000-04:00

What a Labor Day weekend for all of us who didn't go on vacation somewhere, or like me, had to work. Appalachian State shocked the world and the Big House by upsetting Michigan. I don't even think "upset" is an adequate word...Michigan got Arquetted (David Arquette marrying Courtney Cox). I was following the game online, since no national network was covering the game for obvious reasons: two Heisman Candidates versus, uh, Appalachian State, and thought the game was over when Michigan took the lead in the fourth quarter. But I almost peed my shorts when I saw that they blocked the field goal to win the game, how perfect. I can't imagine being a fan at the game, I bet all 110k people went straight to a bar, or maybe just straight home and began drinking heavily with the shades drawn on the windows and TBN blaring from the TV. The worst Labor Day weekend ever for Michigan fans.

I was on the phone with my friend Matt before the game, a fellow Notre Dame fan, and I told him that if App. St. beats Michigan I wouldn't even care if ND gets blown out. And what do you know. Three quarterbacks later, ND got blown out and the App. St. coach got carried out of the stadium on his players shoulders.

Earlier in the weekend though, some kid by the name of Clay Buchholz (an unfortunate last name) threw a no-hitter for Boston. In just his second start he added more woe to the Oriole's franchise this year. It was impressive seeing a 23 year old dominate a game the way he did. I just hope he doesn't end up being another child star like the Corey's. So much promise so early, so many expectations left dead on the table.

Above all though, my favorite story of the weekend, hands down, was that of another person trying to get a leg up on the competition by using banned substances. Cowboys quarterback COACH, Wade Wilson. I take my hat off to you sir. I thought it was bad with Couchy getting all huge on HGH, but you my friend have surpassed them all. Maybe we need urine tests for all coaches in the league, Bill Bellichek has to be using something right? He can't really be that good of a coach without some kind of supplement. Ginseng?

A side note: why is Wade Wilson, a lifetime 57% comp. passer with more INT's then TD's a quarterbacks coach? Maybe Harrington does have a future in the league after all.

What a weekend.

Timing is Everything

2007-09-01T01:26:00.000-04:00

It's all about timing. In every facet of life, it's all about timing. Especially in the NFL. You don't start a rookie qb because you have to give him time. As an offensive linemen you have to time the snap just right or else you will either be flagged for moving early, or knocked on your butt for moving late.

Defensive linemen are all about timing. And now, more so then ever, Michael Strahan is all about timing. Strahan is coming back, he is ending his holdout and coming back to play for the G-men. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

His timing is impeccable. If he didn't want to play the ten snaps in all the games combined he would have played, he could've just said so. Why holdout until the pre-season is finished? Until you only have four practices left before your first game, where I am guessing if he doesn't play he will complain, and if he does play he will complain about being out of shape.

I hate the NFL pre-season, I think it should only be 2 quarters long, running clock, and veterans shouldn't have to play. I hate seeing players get injured, any player, starter or bench cleaner, because they are getting hurt for nothing but networks being able to sell commercial spots. And maybe a few roster battles here and there, which I'm sure they could figure out some other way. But, they do play pre-season, and the team leaders should be there. Way to go Strahan. You timed it just right. I hope no one notices.

And speaking of veteran leadership, way to go Rodney Harrison. Apparently Rodney and Couch were using the same rehab plan. It blows me away that high profile players would even consider using anything banned. It's like bringing Hormel Chili to the national chili cookout. Everyone is watching.

HGH is not a steroid, per say, but the damn thing is banned, and you play for the New England Patriots, and you have a team that we all used to try and create on Madden, and now you are suspended for four games. A big thumbs up.

Finally, great news out of Jacksonville. David Garrard was given the starting spot. Sucks for all the fantasy owners who might have drafted Leftwich. Or does it? My hope is that he gets traded to Atlanta, or picked up on waivers if he is just flat out released (which would be foolish because I can think of a few teams off the top of my head who he would be an upgrade for: KC, Croyle, really? Atlanta, love Joey Heisman but the dude is as consistent as Ricky Bobby. Carolina, might as well add a third guy to that "battle" for QB out there. Minnesota, Tavaris Jackson. Right.) because he would have more weapons around him than MOJO and Matt Jones, and it would be interesting to see what a QB like Byron could do in Petrino's offense. Brohm and Leftwich aren't too far apart at this point in their respective careers, who knows, could work.

Plus, if he did get picked up by one of those teams and was able to start by week 5, or week 3 if it's Atlanta, I could drop J.P. Losman from my fantasy team. I don't know why, I just never trust a qb from Buffalo. I do love those jerseys though.

Flea Flick Me, and a great prank.

2007-08-30T21:26:00.000-04:00

What's the deal with quarterback's feeling like it's necessary for them to throw down field if they run a flea-flicker, even if the receiver is double covered? Just take the sack. Miss. St.'s qb was picked off for third time, this time in the end zone while trying to be a hero. And he just got picked off for the fourth time as I write this, and it's still the first half. And their still only down by 10. Don't be a hero.

Anyway. Now that that's out of my system check this out if you haven't seen it already, one of the coolest pranks ever.

Couch Change

2007-08-28T21:45:00.000-04:00

Tim Couch used HGH! Alert the press! Alert congress! Tell the world! TIM COUCH USED HGH! What's that I hear? Crickets? Yes, it's crickets...

Who cares? Do those in Jacksonville care? They just signed him, are you sure, what's that? They still don't care? Oh, they might cut him? Sure. But really, who cares.

Well, I would care if he used it when was good. Which was...last year? No, with Cleveland? No...oh that's right, when he was at Kentucky. Eight years ago.

Here's the deal. He used HGH in 2006. Unless you want to quibble about irrelevant throws in the pre-season or in training camp, or maybe in Europe if he played there, frankly I don't even want to look it up to see if he did, it really is meaningless that he used them.

He said he used them to help his shoulder heal. Fine. I accept it.

Remember when Couch was the golden boy coming out of Kentucky? Remember how he was going to save the Browns? Maybe he should of used HGH back then. But if he did, maybe they wouldn't of drafted Brady Quinn. Another golden boy, another Browns team with a slow running back. Maybe Brady should take HGH. I won't tell.

Everything you need in 7 Minutes.

2007-08-28T00:49:00.000-04:00

Watching Team USA slaughter Mexico is entertaining, what's even more entertaining though is listening to Bill Walton. This guy should be a baseball announcer. He is nothing but filler. Since they don't have to actually talk about the game that's happening because America is up by 30, Bill is free to wax and wane about just about anything he wants.

Some subjects he has touched on, just in the last seven minutes of the fourth quarter alone:

-- The Robber Baron Era
-- The Mexican Revolution
-- The fact that Mexico is the 12th largest economy in the world
-- "the lightning flash across the volcano" (no idea)
-- The limitations and frailty"ness" of human nature

If the US government wants to takesteps towards solving the poor education that plagues our inner-cities, all they have to do is put tapes of Walton in the VCR and let the kids take in all the wisdom Bill has to share. They could save money as well by canceling history classes, philosophy, economics, and sociology classes and subbing Bill's in-game sermons in their place.

Bill knows what he's talking about when it comes to basketball, most of the time, but it seems like this guy does more pre-game studying to buff up his commentary then he ever did in all his college days at UCLA.

If you have a chance, catch some of the next three games. Don't watch the game, do something else, like write or read or cut your toe-nails, just listen to Bill and all his worldly wisdom.

The Pride Rule

2007-08-23T12:18:00.000-04:00

I was at work last night, huddled around the bar having a nice Rum and Coke to end my night, and I saw something on the Sportscenter Ticker that I thought for sure was a typo. It had to be, right?

TEX 30, BAL 3.

I looked to the left of the score and it said that it was an MLB game, nah, couldn't be. Baltimore is bad, but not that bad, in fact, haven't they been somewhat respectable this year? Maybe the Texans beat the Ravens 30-3. That's actually probably more unbelievable. I don't think Matt Schaub and Old-Man Green are capable of putting up those kinds of numbers against Ray Lewis and Co. In fact, I found out this morning on ESPN's First Take that the Ravens haven't allowed 30 runs since 2005.

Thirty runs? 30! Are you kidding me? It was the first game of a double header. They had fresh pitchers. Did they accidentally put the Maryland's little league teams' pitchers out there? I didn't see the actual game, maybe they dressed those little guys in big leaguer's jerseys, like Tom Hanks in Big. And then they all went out and played the piano afterward.

30 runs hasn't been done since 1900. Maybe there should be a 20-run rule. Or, maybe there should be a pride-rule, and if you ever get beat by 27 runs, allow 30 runs and 29 hits, the whole team should take the field after the team in their undies and the groundsman will turn the sprinklers on and they have to play duck-duck goose.

Getting beat by 27 runs is like getting beat by 80 in basketball, by 60 in football, and by, well, who cares about hockey.

The thing that really baffles me though, how did Littleton get a save? HE WAS UP BY 27! Can anyone explain that to me?

Fantasy Killers

2007-08-21T23:41:00.000-04:00

It's between Family Guy and ESPN's Fantasy Draft Special. I admit I was interested at first in the fantasy draft show, maybe I could find a steal in the fifth round or something that might win a game or two for me during the season, but then I saw Jerry O'Connell. I haven't liked anything he has done since Stand By Me. So it's Family Guy. Meg just came out and Peter said it was awesome. Much better than Mark Schlereth and Jerry.

So, instead of watching others talk about fantasy football, I thought I would give you my tips for this years upcoming season.

1. Resist the urge to draft Rueben Droughns, no matter how hard it may be, even if you are trying to handcuff him toe Brandon Jacobs. Even if Jacobs goes down in the first week and you are scrambling for a replacement, you have to resist the urge to pick him. I have somehow ended up with Droughns on my team each of the last four years. Be it through the draft, free agency, or yes, even through a trade, I have ended up with what has to be one of the most unproductive running backs in fantasy football history. The dude has racked up a handful of touchdowns in what seems like 1000's of touches. You would be better off rigging up a way to get points for you team for every time John Madden mentions his love of kankles.

2. Stay clear of anyone with the last name Gramattica. Even if all the other kickers in the world are raptured. Just for posterity's sake.

3. Do not draft anyone from the Detroit Cubby's. Not even Calvin Johnson, unless you truly believe Kitna and his lofty expectations for the season...again.

4. If it comes down to it, and you don't know who to pick in the final rounds, pick the team with the hottest cheerleaders and then pick the highest rated available player from that team. Maybe he will play just a wee bit harder then the other guy, who knows?

5. Don't pick anyone that Vick could snitch on.

But above all else, stay away from Droughns, oh, and Mwelde Moore, somehow those guys always end up on my team and always help me to finish in 7th place, one spot out of the playoffs. This will be the year that I stand strong, that I break my addiction to mediocre backs, and that I make a run at the title.

Top Play Tonight

2007-08-17T16:28:00.000-04:00

If you just missed it you have to watch Sportscenter tonight, it will be the top play of the day:

Bottom of the 6th, a runner on, two outs, the chubby hitter steps to the plate already striking out twice earlier in the game but looking to win the game. The pitcher, who the announcer called "Armando Benitez," throws nothing but fastballs. The coach tells the chubby hitter to look fastball, he does, the pitcher throws a fastball on the next pitch, he hits it deep centerfield, it has the distance, it has the carry, the centerfielder watches and waits at the wall, he leaps and MAKES THE CATCH! I jumped up from my couch and almost shed a tear for they little centerfielder the call "Rabbit." It was incredible. The Mass team beat the Ohio team 3-2.

Watch for it tonight. It was what Little League is all about.

Divine Olympic Intervention

2007-08-15T12:29:00.000-04:00

I was laying in bed last night and it came to me, like Patrick Swayze to Demi Moore in Ghost. I should have seen it before, I felt so dumb, so ashamed that I needed supernatural intervention to realize it. Realize what?

Coach K is blowing the whistles at USA Basketball practice, that's why JJ Reddick was invited to try out again! Man...I feel embarrassed. It's the only thing that makes sense out of the whole JJ - USA relationship. Granted, he is the classic All-American kinda kid, you know, the kind that Ryan Gosling would play in a high-school sports movie, and that all the girls would swoon over. And yes, he does write poetry, and that would be a dandy addition to USA Basketball. I can see it now:

JJ and the rest of the USA Team is standing on the podium receiving their Gold Medals, flashbulbs pop, everyone is cheering, streamers fall to the ground from the victorious sky, and JJ takes a step forward, a mic is a placed in front of him by some young Chinese official, and...

"Red, white and blue
Bringing back the Gold for you.
China has been great
Even though it's a communist state.
We came, we saw, we conquered,
Kobe scored 50, even though all Euros are floppers,
And Coach K, Coach K, Coach K
All this is for you, and you deserve an A..."

JJ bows, all the other USA players clap politely, the kind of embarrassed clap John Daly would get if he ever took to the first tee wearing his favorite tweed shorts, showing off those legs of his. JJ joins his teammates back in line, JJ the only one in street-clothes...

I understand that we are looking to build a "program" here in the US that rivals those of Argentina and Spain and whatnot, but what valid reason is there to include JJ on the roster, even just the practice roster? The latest addition, Nick Collison, makes me scratch my head too, but at least he is a proven rebounder. But then again, so is Danny Fortson.

JJ can shoot. But beyond a few summer league games, has he really proven himself worthy to be representing the best that America has to offer? If you want a three point shooter to compliment Mike Miller (really?) how about Raja Bell? He can hit the three and play some serious defense, that's one more dimension then JJ will provide at this point in his career. Jason Kapono comes to mind too. He was lights out this year. JJ shot a paltry 38.8% from beyond the line. Ime Udoka shot better than that. He's a poor mans Bruce Bowen, how bout him? Al Harrington? Kyle Korver? Larry Johnson? Just throwing some names out there.

But, all my confusion was absolved last night. The Blue Devil connection. It's strong. It lasts a lifetime. And don't get me wrong here, I am a huge Duke fan, and loved watching JJ hit unbelievable shot after another, but this is the Olympics we are talking about. Not March Madness. If we are looking for a stand still, spot up shooter (I know, reportedly JJ is getting better at creating his own shot with the bounce, but again, this is the Olympics, not intramurals), all I'm saying is there might be some better options out there that didn't wear the blue and white in college. Nate Robinson, 39%, and can leap over smaller guards and other obstacles put in his way.

I trust Jerry Colangelo though. After all, he was able to look beyond Shawn Marion's shooting "form" and see the great player that he is. In the end, Jerry will make the right decision. He has to. No one wants to hear poetry at the podium.

Cleaning out the Closet

2007-08-09T21:21:00.000-04:00

What's missing here: Reggie Miller, Allan Houston, annnnnnnnd? That's right! Penny Hardaway! That's right folks, we are bringing back all the early to late 90's scoring guards! When I first heard Reggie was coming back I was excited. I mean, who wouldn't want to see his cross-armed game winning shots again? Maybe New York I guess. But don't worry New York, you won't have any games of meaning after the All-Star break. That's around the time when all hell will break loose because David Lee is the only player worthy of being part of All-Star weekend, in the slam dunk contest, and he will be selected, and Zach and Eddy and Starbury will give priceless interviews to Stephen A. about the atrocity of it all.

Reggie has a legit reason to come back. He has an opportunity to play for second place behind whatever Western Conference team makes it to the finals. Allan Houston, he can probably still hit that text-book jumper of his. So, maybe some team would want to pay him to come off the bench for a few minutes a game for some instant offense, ala Steve Smith in his last years. And come to think of it, why the hell doesn't Steve Smith come back! He might as well show everyone he still has that baseline shimmy to the layup. God knows Martell Webster could use a little Steve Smith magic.

But now we hear that Penny is going to pair up with his former big buddy Shaq. Has it got that bad in Miami? First J-dub got old. Then Payton retired. Then they couldn't even sign Mo Williams, or Steve Blake, or any other quality, livingm point guard in the world, so apparently they decided to try to bring back to life Little Penny in hopes that his shattered knees can withstand another NBA season. Doubtful. Maybe no one wants to play with Antoine Walker firing fast break threes? Or, maybe the fact that the only guard they could sign was Smush Parker. Yikes. I would take Penny over him any day.

Are the old guys getting jealous? I wonder if they routinely watch highlights of all these young supporting players like Deshawn Stevenson and James Jones and think to themselves that they can still play better than them? I think being a TV analyst gives people a skewed view of reality. Example: Barkley running for Governor. I wonder if Jamal Mashburn is getting revved up to play again? Maybe the Celtics can sign him too, then you could have an NBA LIVE 99 all-star team.

All in all though, I am excited to see how these guys do this year. I can't wait for Miller v. Spike Lee round 100. Fingers crossed. The only thing I won't stand for is Charles Oakley making a comeback. Isn't he like 50? If he gets signed I might have to boycott the season. I am a little scared though that Blazers are cooking something up to bring somebody back out of retirement, say a James Robinson maybe? I can't imagine Kevin Pritchard like seeing all this action going on without his hand in any of it.

A Reason To Smile

2007-08-08T18:40:00.000-04:00

You have to at least smile for him, you know? Even if you hate him, even if you thought Bud’s effort was Herculean, you have to smile just a little for Barry. Right when he hit it he knew. He dropped his bat and watched with his hands raised as the ball fell into the mob of hometown fans willing to kill for it.

His son tried to steal the spotlight from him as he waited at homeplate for his dad to round the celebratory bases. His son waited with a smile, as I did, for his dad to come and pick him up like McGwire did his overstuffed son. But when Barry got there he barely acknowledged his seed, and then raised his hands again to the firework filled night sky, presumably pointing to his dad way up there in the atmosphere.

And that’s why I have to at least smile for him. Because he owned that spotlight tonight. Steroids or no, he owned that spotlight and he wouldn’t let anyone take it from him, not even his son, who if you didn’t know it was him looked more like a regular bat boy with no familial relation to Barry and his brightness.

The endless conversations begun a long time ago about whether or not he was juiced like Jose, and they will drag on forever, like the debate as to whether or not Ricky Davis should be retroactively awarded a triple double from March 16^th, 2003 against the Jazz. A rebound is a rebound, right?

I did smile tonight when I saw the replay (the game was blacked out in DC because somehow we DC residents were supposed to be in San Francisco in the bleachers brawling for that ball rather then just simply watching it on TV like everyone else in the country…because those famed Nats fans are so well known for their traveling…) of Barry smashing it over the wall. Finally. FINALLY he did it. Finally the conversation can at least think about dying, we can begin the funeral procession towards a future that doesn’t revolve around every Barry-at-bat.

I feel refreshed, like I can breathe again, like I can resume my love affair with Matt Stairs-sightings. He too was looking to take a swing at history tonight when he bum-rushed A-Rod only to be cut short by a bigger, brawnier Yankee. The last time I saw Matt Stairs was when I used him to win the homerun derby in All-Star Baseball 99 for Playstation 2. Thank God he still has a goatee.

So, no matter what you feel towards Barry and his polarizing shot that landed in a glorious Mets’ fan’s hands, you can find a reason to smile at homerun 756. Unless of course, it comes out that Matt Stairs uses Rogaine for that facial hair, then we should all be pissed.

NBA Off-Season Update

2007-08-08T17:36:00.000-04:00

I love the NBA off-season, who wouldn’t? It’s the time of year when good players are paid great player salaries, when foreign players who never started for their Euro club get paid NBA starter money, and when, if you’re a diehard fan of a struggling franchise (see The Portland Trailblazers), your team just might make the move that finally ends the death march through the regular season.

It’s the time of year when players like Chucky Atkins are heralded as the long lost piece to the puzzle in Denver. A point guard who has never averaged over five assists in his career is now joining Carmelo and AI and JR Smith and Kleiza and Nene and Wafer…and did I miss something? Wasn’t their weakness last year on defense? Maybe they should trade away the Camby Man next and see if they can rejuvenate Kevin Willis’ career. Maybe even bring in Paul Westphal to coach, you never know, 300 points may not be out of reach.

See, the off-season is the time of year when a player like Rashard Lewis is paid franchise money to get triple teamed every game because Orlando decided against spending any money on outside-shooters. Yes, they do have Turkoglu and JJ Reddick, but the Turk hasn’t played well since him and Peja helped bring back life to the post-Mitch Richmond era in Sacramento. And even though JJ might end up being a poor man’s Kerr, fingers crossed he doesn’t end up being another Joe Crispin, I haven’t seen Rashard look to pass out of the triple team to often on game winning shots. Then again, he did score 50 points in 2003, but then again, Tony Delk scored 53 in 2001.

One more thing about Orlando: they drafted Rayshawn Terry. Hmmm…Trevor Ariza, Rashard Lewis, Rayshawn Terry, Keyon Dooling? Maybe they want as many players as possible who can only do one thing: slash. But they would make for a rip-roaring NBA Live team. I can’t wait.

The summer is the time of the year when we can concentrate on headlines that in previous months may have gone unnoticed, such as: “Former NBA Star Ron Mercer surrenders on assault charges…” (AP, 7.25.07) Excuse me? I must of read that wrong, please tell me I read that wrong, no, I didn’t? Since when is a career 13.6 ppg. scorer considered a Star? Granted, Rick Pitino may have thought he was a Star-caliber player when he drafted him to the Kentucky Celtics, I mean, Boston Celtics in 1997, but really? A star? If big Ron is a Star quality player, let me submit a few names here for further review by the Star-committee: JR Rider, Kerry Kittles, Eddie House, and how bout Vinny Del Negro?

Speaking of the Celtics, how bout trading your whole team, but more importantly, your entire foreseeable future for a 32 yr. old superstar? Five players and two first round draft picks for arguably one of the best players in the league is great for NOW. But what happens two years from now if they haven’t won a championship and Jesus Shuttlesworth is ready to hang ‘em up and resume his Hollywood career, and Garnett loses his immunity to injuries and gravity, and Pierce is still a baller but Kendrick Perkins still isn’t, and Glen “Huge Man” Davis teams up with Shawn Kemp and Oliver Miller as the centerpieces for Dunkin’ Donuts new ad campaign 3 Tons of Fun, and Bill Simmons still hates Doc Rivers? It would just be tragic. On the bright side, the Timberwolves now might be younger than my beloved Trailblazers.

And how ‘bout them Blazers and what should be the biggest news of the summer: we re-signed Steve Blake. Thank god Denver doesn’t like passing point guards. Oh wait, they did sign Anthony Carter to be old, I mean to pass the ball. And we dumped Z-Ro off to the circus in New York (By the way, when did it become popular again to have two undersized, offensive minded frontcourt starters?). I don’t really care what or whom it took to get rid of him: a slam dunk champion, an enormous buyout to Stevie Francis, they could have given them the Blazer logo in the whole deal, because it’ll just be nice to see someone else shoot the ball besides the round mound of jumpers.

Of course, there were a few bigger stories than some of the smaller ones I highlighted here, such as Kobe, or the ref scandal, or Oden and Durant reviving the Pacific Northwest. But it’s these kinds of stories, the ones you find if you really pay attention to the beauty of the NBA off-season, that will keep me buoyed until the regular season tips off with Oden battling Duncan in the paint for what should be a finals preview…of 2011.