Southeast Division

Rumors of Gilbert going to LA for Kobe are swirling, so again, all that follows is subject to the Kobe effect.

Southeast Division

1. Orlando (50-32): I know everyone is not so hype on Rashard Lewis getting a max contract, it kinda falls in the same range as Charlie Bell getting anything more than the Vets minimum for me, but in the Eastern Conference he's gotta be worth at least another 5 wins. Dwight Howard showed some improvement on the offensive end in the pre-season and with shooters on the outside like Lewis and "perhaps the best shooter in the history of basketball" (an actual shooting video commercial) in JJ Redick, who knows? Maybe they can sneak up on the league and actually win this division and clinch the 3rd seed in the East.

Miami and Washington are both banged up and old, see Shaq and D-Wade and Etan Thomas, so it looks like this division is theirs for the taking. If Jameer Nelson can also provide some consistent shooting, I think they get it.

2. Washington (48-34): If Etan wouldn't have had to undergo open heart surgery, which I hope he recovers from fully, I would have put them in first. It hurts this team down low on the defensive end not having him in the lineup. How much trust can you put in Haywood at this point in his career? You know what you are going to get with him, and I don't think it's enough to take them as far as Gilbert believes their gonna go = Championship.

The threesome of Gilbert, Caron and Antawn will again be dominant, and rumor has it that Oleksiy Pecherov is surprisingly good, so possibly they could make a run, but unless Arenas puts down 35 a game, I don't think so. It might not be too far fetched though for him to do that...I don't know, I want to wait and see if he is still on this coast till I am sure.

3. Miami (45-37): Miami got rid of Walker and replaced him with another gunner in Ricky Davis. Hmmm...Couple that with a horrid bench and an aging Shaq and a nicked up Wade? Trouble. This might be the last year of the retirement-home team. Has Shaq been in shape at the beginning of the year since their second championship in LA? Their whole philosophy of waiting till the end of the year to turn it on just doesn't work. But really, their bench is awful. Awful.

4. Atlanta (34-48): They will miss the playoffs for the 100th time in a row and they probably won't resign Josh Smith and Joe Johnson to long term contracts. This is my vote for the next team to move cities. Maybe they can move to Seattle when the Sonics go to Oklahoma City? Let's start that rumor.

5. Charlotte (32-50): Ammo is out for the year. Sean May had microfracture. They do have Gerald Wallace and Emeka and Felton, but Emeka will be hurt by the All-Star break, and really, it's Charlotte. Until they change those jerseys they will always be down in the cellar as far as I'm concerned.

Central Division

All that follows is subject to drastic change in lieu of the impending Kobe trade...

Central Division:

1. Detroit (55-27): Cleveland is a one man show and Chicago without Kobe is still in the exact same situation they were last year. Rumor has it Rasheed has slimmed down, and as long as they still have their big four in tact, they have to be considered the favorite in this division. Unless...Yi in Milwaukee is the Prince Fielder of basketball. And hey, who knows, didn't everyone see the video footage of his workouts, you know, the ones where he was driving to the hoop with both hands? Astounding.

2. Cleveland (53-29): Cleveland needs to resign Pavlovic and Verajao to contend again in the East, but even with them, is thet outlook really that good for this team? For me to consider them a serious contender again this year Daniel Gibson needs to play all year like he played in the playoffs. Does everyone in Cleveland still think Cleveland Rocks, anyone besides Drew Carey anyway? The Indians choked themselves to sleep and Lebron is wearing Yankee hats to the playoffs? If Lebron gets away from the Cavs in free agency, it could be a long millenium for Cleveland.

3. Chicago (53-29): (Cleveland with the tie breaker) Sans Kobe, I put them in third. But with Kobe and a few talented players around him? Division and the finals. In a wait and see mode right now.

4. Milwaukee (41-41): They actually have a decent squad out there in sausage land. If everyone can stay healthy, including the forgotten Bobby Simmons, they could put pretty talented group on the floor. Talented enough to make a run for the 8th seed in the East. I don't know why, but I'm getting the AK-47 vibe from Yi right now in my head. Talented but a total head case. I could be totally off, but that's just the mid-day psychic commercial premonition that's filling my head...

5. Indiana (32-50): I hate this team, and I hate that JO is stuck on the Pacers. I met him one time in the airport and we talked for about fifteen minutes. He seems like an awesome guy, and he's one of the better big men in the league, but he has no one around him. No one. I am a huge Tinsley fan, but only because he played out of his mind at Iowa State when he and Marcus Fizer were running the floor, and because he technically didn't graduate from high school. I hope Bird makes a trade that sends JO to a contender, and that the Pats continue their domination next week when they meet up with Indy and Manning. That's beside the point though.

Again, all this hinges on the Kobe effect.

Atlantic Division

Since the season is almost upon us, and since the Eastern Conference may be relevant this year for the first time in eons, here is my Eastern Conference Preview, starting with the Atlantic Division:

Atlantic Division

1. Boston (55-27): It almost feels like an obligation to put the C's here at number one in the division doesn't it? Like the basketball gods would riot if they actually didn't win the division and at least a share of the East. But honestly? I'm not totally sold on this team. I mean, it's a huge upgrade from the bottom feeders of the past they've had in Boston, but they still have Doc at the helm, and they gave away Jefferson at center. Toronto and New Jersey won't be too far behind in the Atlantic. It's Doc's to lose though. But he already knows that. What's the over under on how many years Doc has left in Boston anyway? I would take the under no matter what it is.

2. Toronto (51-31): I want Toronto to win this division more than I want LOST to finally give me some answers this season. If Locke is still on that Island and they don't tell me what he's doing in the first two episodes, I will swear them off for life. If Toronto wins the division they are my new favorite Leastern Conference team. The addition of Kapono and a healthy TJ Ford gets them four more wins in a surprisingly tough division. And when a Colangelo is involved, you gotta bet high on the team they are involved with.

3. New Jersey (46-36): New Jersey picked up Magloire, so automatically any hope of them actually having a good season, or one markedly better than last year, goes out the window. But, and this is a big but, like one of those rappers' girlfriends, omg, if RJ and Nenad Krstic can stay healthy they have a serious shot of winning a lot of games. But that's a big if. And personally, I don't think they did very good in the off-season, drafting a dirt-poor-man's Mikki Moore in Sean Williams. All in all I think they will improve a little, but beyond Vince's dunks and Beyonce in the front row, I wouldn't spend too much time watching their games.

4. New York (39-43): I might be totally wrong, but unless this season is going to be played on NBA Live and nothing but talent is taken into account during the actual games, I don't see how this team is an improvement over last year's version. Sure, they got Z-Ro from us, and sure, he is a legitimate 20-10 guy, blah blah blah, but how in the world can Starbury, Curry, Jamal Crawford, Z-Ro, and Nate Robinson all play on the same team unless Stern changes the rules to allow two balls in play during the fourth quarter? I don't see it. Oh, and Q-rich and Fred Jones. The only player on that team that means anything and doesn't need the ball in their hands to do anything is David Lee. And he won't even start but still get double-doubles damn near every night. Keep on Truckin' NY.

5. Philly (35-47): Boston becoming an actual basketball team this year hurts the Sixer's chances of making strides towards leaving the lottery. They have a couple good players on their roster, but when your veteran leadership is coming from Andre Miller, Kevin Ollie, and Calvin Booth...I mean really? But maybe Reggie Evans and Dalembert will learn how to score, and maybe Miller will be a winner for once in his NBA career, and maybe Oden will start against San Antonio.

Mid-Week Thoughts

Last Weeks Picks: 8-5
Total: 50-40

Kurt Warner threw two passes then broke his elbow or whatever he did. That's my third qb in three weeks to go down with an injury for my fantasy team affectionately named, M.A.S.H. Just gonna throw that out there so that everyone can know my state of mind at this point in time. The Rams are 0-100 and Gus the Bust went Romo on everyone and threw 5 interceptions. Now Bulger is talking about starting this week against the Seagals. Which to me is a moot point, because they will beat the Seahawks even if Ryan Fitzpatrick gets the nod. That's right. That's a guarantee. About as good a guarantee as Patrick Crayton made, but it's a guarantee none the less.

On to other stuff that doesn't make me want to slit my wrists every Sunday.

Kobe Bryant is going to be traded. It's really going to happen. That or this is the biggest, dumbest, game of charades ever played. I was talking to a friend from SoCal that is a die-hard Laker fan, and even he is ready for Kobe to be traded. That's how I know it's gonna happen for sure this time, not because of all the reports and the empty locker, or the "cleaned" locker, or Chad Ford Top 5 places he may go blog, but the fact that Laker fans are ready for him to be traded.

Ford's article details 5 strong possibilities and a couple other long shots and then a few more hail mary's. The one that makes me cringe the most is sending him to Chicago for the likes of Gordon, Thomas, Noah, expiring contracts, and MJ's honor. First of all, if I have to see Noah play in the NBA it better be for a team like Chicago where he won't get too much pub because he is surrounded by more talented players who already play his position. I would rather he play for the Kings or the Bucks because then it's almost a guarantee you will never see him on TV, but the Lakers? Can you imagine how many asinine interviews we would have to endure if he was in the entertainment capitol of the world? I couldn't handle it. I would start a support group for those trying to cope with Noah-overload. But I guess it will all go away anyway after his rookie contract is up and he proves to everyone that he was the next Bill Curley.

There is talk of sending Amare and his scoped knee with Raja Bell to LA in exchange for the smallest lineup in the history of the league. I don't know if that's a factual statement, but really, if they trade away Amare my intramural basketball team from college would be bigger than those guys. It would be fun though. They would have to hire Westphal as an assistant just to assure the fans that they would score at least 200 points a night to make the trade make sense.

It's gotta be a lose-lose situation though for Kobe. Wherever he goes the team is going to have to give up so much just to get him, unless Buss takes a page from Kevin Pritchard's book and trades away his best player for absolutely nothing. It's not like he's gonna be plopped into a situation where the team didn't willing get pillaged by the Lakers for the chance to win a championship. He'll most likely be playing with second-stringers and a few free agents to fill the roster. At the end of Ford's blog he throws out the idea that Detroit could get him for Hamilton and Prince (money wise). And to be honest, I think that makes the most sense to me right now. Obviously LA needs some young players to build around other than Farmar and Crittendon, but bringing in Hamilton and Prince next to Lamar and whomever they plug in at center? That's a low seed playoff team. And Detroit would be an odds on favorite to win it all.

But no one in LA wants that. Hamilton and Prince aren't flashy enough. Would they take Oden and Raef straight up? I would pull the trigger on that in a micro-fracture second.

In the end though, where do I think he will go? It doesn't matter, but what makes me so happy about the whole situation is that Laker fans will have to suffer through another Ceballos/Eddie Jones era for the next few years. And that makes all my depression about the Rams having only one win after next weekend fade away like a perfect Kobe jumper.

Week 6 Picks

Here's my picks for Week 6. I made them while watching Walk The Line. Reese Witherspoon is pretty hot. So, uh, take that into account if some of my picks seem a little screwy.

Cincy def. KC: The Bungles have lost three in a row and if they are serious about making the playoffs this year they better get their act together quick. Pittsburgh is running away with the division, so they gotta start thinking Wild Card. This is a must-win game for Palmer and Co. so Chad better break out one or two of those TD Celebrations he's had planned since the summer, and maybe even play a little D for Marvin. I still haven't recovered from the Browns putting up 90 on the Bungles D...

Jags def. Houston: I'm tired of picking the Oilers, I mean the Texans to win and coming up wrong. It's funny how a couple good weeks can alter your decision making for the next few to come. Their like Nickelback this year, they had one good album and now they are just riding that wave until it dies. Maybe it's because all their songs sound like all those good ones on the first album they just keep buying in some sort of dazed-hypnotized slumber, listening to those songs over and over... Until Johnson and Batman come back full time I don't trust 'em.

Fins def. Browns: Cleo Lemon is starting for one of my fantasy teams. I like this guy. I like his first name, his last name, I like everything that I know about him...well, that's actually pretty much it. But I also like that they are playing the Browns, and even though Joe Jurevicious taunts me every week for dropping him and somehow scores a TD, I'm taking the 0-5 Dolphins and Ronnie Brown in this one.

Redskins def. Packers: I want to take the Packers because I want to believe that Favre can lead this team to the playoffs with a worse running offense than my high school football's team that ran the Wing-T. But I watched the Skins' game last week and can't help but think that the Lions and the Pack aren't too far apart. And if Jason Campbell can play anything near like he did last week, I just can't bet against them. But I love good stories, and the little boy in me wants the Pack to win this one on the arm of Favre and run off into the tunnel holding his helmet triumphantly over his head.

It kind of reminds me of the Suns trying to win a championship without big men or defense. Mike D'Antoni's solution? Play even faster. Maybe Favre should just throw even more this week. 50 passes, one run.

Ravens def. Rams: Unless Linehan can show me that he actually has a pulse or a brain or blood at least sitting in his veins, it might be a long time till the Rams win one. One bright spot for me last week was that Leonard got 100 yards on 18 carries. I say we just hand him the ball 30 times and see what happens. Also, he's on my fantasy team that's sinking faster than a bowling ball in a pool, so anything can help at this point.

Vikings def. Chicago: The Bears are boring. At the least the Vikings have Peterson. When I think about Brian Griese my mind goes blank, that's how tired of hearing about him I am. It doesn't matter who they put back their right now, no one on that roster that plays the QB position is going to change anything for the Bears. Maybe they should trade Grossman for Joey Heisman now that Leftwich looks like he might be starting sometime soon, just to add another mediocre QB to their team. Or, see if they can bring back Krenzel. I remember everyone raving about how smart he is, maybe he could figure it out in Chicago.

Eagles def. Jets: Game I wish could be played on Madden. I need Curtis to have another 60 point week in this one. The Jets need to start Kellen Clemens to appease the fans and McNabb needs his linemen to actually block people. But really. Who cares.

Bucs def. Titans: The second head of my two-headed monster at RB this week for my team is Earnest Graham. I'm coming around to this Bucs team though. I still think they're too old to last until the end of the year, and now that Earnest Graham is the feature back, which is like having a movie theater only play "Why Did I Get Married" this weekend, it can't last too long but I think they get a win in this one against the Titans.

Cardinals def. Panthers: Simple. Kurt Warner over David Carr anytime.

Patriots def. Dallas: Last weeks' game against the Bills didn't exactly make me want to run out and put all my money on Romo and the Boys this week against the Pats. And frankly, until the Pats lose this year, or next, whenever it may be, I don't think I can pick against them. I don't even care if Sammy Morris or Maroney is playing this week, for all I care Darius Walker could take the hand-offs from Brady with his 4.6 speed and they would still be unstoppable.

Raiders def. Chargers: Culpepper's got something to prove, and everyone thinks the Chargers are back, which makes it ripe for an upset. But would it really be considered an upset? Or, just the next stop on the the path to the unemployment line for Norv?

Saints def. Seagals: Bill Simmons feels about the same way I do in regards to the Hawks. I like absolutely nothing about them, and now that Deion Branch is out, there is even less to like about them. Same question as above though, would this be considered an upset? I know the Saints haven't won a game yet, but there is just nothing on that whole team that I like in Seattle. Except that the name Hassleback gives way to a lot of good nicknames, like Hasslesack. Still, not enough to change my mind.

Giants def. ATL: The Giants are on a roll and the Falcons are using Leftwich totally unprepared in place of Heisman. I wonder if Petrino wishes he had Marty's Delorian right about now?

Old Men of Wonder

Sometimes the ball bounces your way, other times it doesn't. And then some other times the ball doesn't even have enough air in it to bounce anywhere, it just lays there flat on the ground, lifeless. Kind of like the Bills in Monday night's game. The Bills and Spineless Dick Jauron literally gave the Cowboys their fifth win of the season. How do you force 6 turnovers in the game, score two defensive touches and another on special teams and STILL LOSE? Answer? You play prevent when you should be playing press coverage. Answer: You were playing to lose.

Midway through the fourth quarter, actually, right about the time they showed Jim Kelly on the sideline, I knew the Bills would blow it. I thought everyone might commit mass suicide in the stands after Nick Folk's second kick went through the uprights, but really, the Bills fans have been here before, they must be numb to it by now.

I went 7-7 this week to bring my record to 42-35 for the year thus far, which would put me at about the fourth seed in the NBA's Leastern Conference. And speaking of the NBA, how bout Tony Massenburg making an appearance with the Washington Wiz during training camp? He was born in 1967, which puts him at a Julio Franco-esque 41. If Tony makes the squad this year I will have to buy a jersey, and hopefully he is cool enough to request number 41 for his age. Wasn't there someone who did that before? Can't think of it right now.

Old men are all over sporting world right now. Kurt Warner is back in his rightful position as starting QB after Leinart went down with a season ending injury, but really, even without the injury it's probably safe to say that Kurt would have been starting this week instead of Leinart. It was like the Cardinals were just hoping that either, A. Matt would finally live up to his billing as a great QB out of USC, or B. He would get hurt and the obviously better Warner would be abel to start without any controversy surrounding it. Something finally went right for them. Now to top it off hopefully we get to see Kurt's wife in the stands, I am on a 24/7 haircut watch for Mrs. Warner.

Vinny Testaverde, another ageless wonder, got signed today for one year by the Panthers to back up David Carr now that Delhomme is out for the year with elbow surgery. The question is, how many games until The Bird Man is starting? I'll give him 3 games. He has been in the league for so long that he probably already knows the playbook by heart so it's just a matter of getting acquainted with his new teammates, which will probably be like asking your kid to get acquainted with their Uncle. All it takes is one tickle fest and he will be Steve Smith's favorite in no time.

Father time didn't smile on all the old guys out there last weekend though. Trent Green went down with a serious concussion as a result of a nasty block he tried to lay on a 500 pound defender. I've heard all sorts of debate as to whether or not it was a cheap shot, and even more talk about the cheapness of Johnson then standing over Trent Green as he examined the grass at the 45 yard line. When I saw the replay I didn't think it was a cheap shot as much as I thought Trent Green thought about performing a chop block but then midway through decided this was the worst decision he has made in a long time and curled up in a ball to absorb the hit that was coming. Unfortunately his head absorbed most of it. The good news for the Fins? Cleo Lemon has one of the coolest names out there. Win or lose his name gives way for great healines: "He's No Lemon!" Or, "Lemon Leaves a Sour Taste in the Browns Mouth." Or, "Turns out he's a Lemon..."

Finally, the NBA is underway, as mentioned above, and in about an hour the Celtics and the Minnesota Celtics will play the most meaningful meaningless game in the young T'Wolves lives. This might be the one pre-season game, other than every Blazers game, that I want to watch. Minnesota could literally put out a starting lineup of former Celtic players to combat the three-headed monster in the East. Who knows how long their three stars are going to play, but you can bet all your marbles that when those three are out there Minnesota is going to be playing like it's game 7 of the Finals. Which is cute because it will be eons until they get there.

This just in: Allan Houston is going back to the Knicks. Incredible. Probably the worst move he could ever make, why in the world would you want to join the circus at his age? He is in no shape to be shot out the cannon again.

Week 5 Picks

Last Week: 6-8
Total: 35-27

I just checked my roster for my fantasy team this week and it looks like an episode of MASH. My top 5, that's right, top 5 recievers are out with injuries or on byes' this week and the icing on the cake is that Travis Henry is not just dealing with a couple nagging injuries, but he is in trouble for how he deals with those injuries. In his defense though, his "experts" weren't there when the league tested him and he came up positive for THC again. I wonder what these experts would have done? The old slight of hand, slight of pee trick? Unless his alleged experts were David Blaine and Cirss Angel I don't think it would have mattered.

Anyway, I was 6-8 last week and need to rebound so I am going first instinct on my picks this week. Once I decide in my head there's no looking back.

Chiefs def. Jags: It appears the Chiefs finally have a WR to throw to in Rookie Dwayne Bowe, and if that holds up maybe it will open some holes for Larry Johnson to run through. If the Jags win they would go to 3-1 and I don't think I could stomach that. This one should be close, I give the advantage to the Chiefs at home.

Pats def. Browns: Has anyone ever been more sure about this game? If the Pats don't win here it will either be considered a hick-up and a "good wake up call loss," or the "uh-oh" game of the season where every team in the league finally discovers a weakness in the Patriots. The only way I see the Browns winning this game in New England is if the Joba-bugs travel to Foxboro by Sunday and eat Tom Brady alive. And that had to be one of the more disgusting pictures in sports, Joba standing on the pitchers mound with what looked like aphids all over his neck, yummy.

Saints def. Panthers: Delhomme out again, Carr in again. The Saints have to pull this one out. They have no excuse to 1. Not get 5 sacks, and 2. Not get their first win of the season. I'm not sold on Reggie Bush being the number 1 back, but then I again I wasn't sold on the Blazers drafting Oden and that worked out great. Oh wait... Saints still win.

Giants def. Jets: My first instinct was to take the Giants even though it went against every second, third, and fourth thought that followed. But really, we are talking about two New York teams that have underachieving QB's and less than good running games. The only reason this game will get a lot of pub is because Archie Manning had babies and one of them happens to play for the G-men. I'm still pulling for Lorenzon to get in there and shock the world. Wouldn't that be a great poster, Jeremy Shockey and The Pillsbury Throwboy standing together trying to look all hard like athletes always do with a caption: Jared and Jeremy: Shocking the World One TD at a Time. So hot.

Miami def. Houston: But who really cares until Andre Johnson and Ahman Green come back? Ronnie Brown has been ultra-productive for a team that needs someone with superlative-inducing play. I wonder how the Miami front office is feeling this week after Culpepper ran all over them with that bum knee they let him go for? I bet they secretly brought out all the jerseys they had bought for their kids and then stored away in the garage and just sat there looking at them in their bedroom, their wives waiting for them to turn the lights off..."Just come to bed, honey..." He would grip the jersey tightly in his hands, "you just don't understand...he could of been ours, he was ours! It could've been us..." They probably don't feel any worse than the think tank in San Diego that brought in Norv Turner.

Steelers def. Seahawks: Pitt will rebound from their loss at Arizona, even without Hines Ward, and get the win at home. My friend Jon thinks the Seagals win it 24-20, so naturally I have to bet against him. Steelers 27-20, Hawks don't cover the 6 point spread. Honestly, if Willie Parker doesn't score 100 fantasy points this week I might score a grand total of 15 points.

Redskins def. Lions: Even with Kitna and his converts, the Lions fall short to Clinton Portis and the Skins. I can see Campbell having a good game against the Lions this weekend, isn't he due? Actually, I just picked up the Lions D for the week, but I am sticking with the Skins on this one...this is why I never make New Years Resolutions, my will is about as strong as Pac Man Jones outside a strip club with his buddies, "well, I am pretty hungry, sure, lets just go get something to eat, right?"

Titans def. Falcons: Joey Heisman had another game that might cause people to go against every fiber in their body and actually trust him this weekend with their money, but I know better, I have been a fan in the closet for a long time with Joey and I am staying where I am. It's nice in this dark place where no one can truly see your hope for him rise and fall as fast as hopes for Darko did his rookie season. The Titans are second in the league in rushing and playing at home, and can Joey really have another good game on the heels of his last one? Global warming hasn't changed the world that much, has it?

Rams def. Cardinals: Brian Leonard, Gus the Bust, the return of Icognito, and no Isaac Bruce? This has the makings for an upset written all over it. Kurt coming back to the dome and getting some playing time? Anquan on the bench again? Could anyone write this script any better for the Rams to surprise everyone and pull out their first win of the season? We know they aren't going winless this year, they gotta win at least one, and now that Bulger is on the sideline and not fearing his life being taken from the blindside on every down, what better time than now? Convinced?

Colts def. TB: No Cadillac for the rest of the season, and while I do think the Bucs are for real, I don't see them going into Indy at pulling off this upset. This seems to be a sexy pick, taking the Bucs over Peyton's Colts, but I think the Colts stay undefeated until Week 9 against the Pats when Tom Brady and friends resume their dominance of the Horseshoes.

Broncos def. Bolts: Travis Henry is "vowing to play" according to ESPN.com. When has a player had more to prove to a city that took a chance on him than Henry? Well, besides Moss. Reports say he has at least two more weeks until his B-sample appeal gets resolved, and you could bet your house that he is going to TRY to go break 1000 in the next few games. The Chargers are floundering. They need this game more than anyone, but it's at Mile High at Invesco (great name by the way, phert.) where the fans chant "in-come-plete" every time the QB misses. Norv Turner just might break down and cry if Rivers gets that cheer too many times. I really just want the Chargers to lose so that they are forced to fire Norv mid-season and issue and apology to their fans ala The Metropolitans, and who knows, Charlie Weiss might be available by then.

SF def. Ravens: First instinct: Dilfer vs. his old team? Awesome! Dilfer is one of those guys who, for some unknown reason, just wins games. Maybe it's because he doesn't make too many bad decisions, or maybe he has God on his side like Kitna, but couple that with Gore and I don't think the Niners are losing too much short-term with Alex Smith's separated shoulder. Also, I don't like the Ravens this year. They are the reason I am out of my elimination league.

Packers def. Chicago: And the Heavens part as the clock ticks down to :00 and Brett Favre is lifted into heaven like the Energizer Bunny to the spaceship. Favre and his D vs. Griese and his D? Favre every time. And if they do win and go to 5-0?! Berman will literally have an orgasm on camera. How can you not want to see that?

Cowbows def. Bills: One question: Why was this game scheduled for Monday night? Even if JP Losman wasn't hurt did the NFL Execs really believe the Bills would be MNF worthy? Cowboys might put up 50 on them, unless Trent Edwards turns out to be the next Big Ben.

Games I wish I could be at: Bears/Packers. They might have a parade after the game if the Pack goes to 5-0, and can you imagine how many free drinks you could get at the bars? So many babies will be born in July is Favre wins this one.

Games I wish could be played on Madden: Cowboys/Bills. Just because I would rather see the Boys score 100 than 50. And there has got to be some crazed Cowboy fan who is the ultimate Madden gamer who can get inside the Bills player so bad he would cry by halftime.

Upset watch: Rams/Cardinals. Can it really be considered an upset when speaking of the Cardinals? Not sure about that, but when you consider the state of the Rams, much like my fantasy team, this would be one for NFL Films Greatest Games Ever Played in the History of Upright Man.

Top 10 Big Hurt Subs

Ted Turner bought the rights to the MLB playoffs apparently, he must have thought this was the year for the Braves. Or, maybe he's just a good businessman. Nah. Anyone that shows every damn Braves home game on national TV can't be that good of a businessman.

At first I was excited when I saw Ernie Johnson doing the in-studio coverage, but who was that sitting next to him? Too big to be Charles Barkley, too quiet to be Kenny, is that Frank Thomas? Wow. Out of everyone they could have picked to do the in-studio coverage with Ernie and Cal Ripken, they selected The Big Hurt. Besides the fact that he never played in a huge market, outside of Chicago, and then he was on the wrong side of Chicago, there is a reason he has never been a media darling of the MLB in his career, he has the personality and charisma of a boulder.

Was Dennis Miller busy? Or did he give up on commentating after the whole MNF disaster? Here is my top list of people I would rather see in between Ernie and Cal:

10. Milton Bradley: At least we know it will be interesting. Interesting like Stephen Jackson's tattoo of praying hands holding a pistol. He's in his own world, as is Milton, wouldn't it be fun to be invited in for a few hours at a time?

9. Matt Stairs: He's gotta have some good stories after 10 different teams and almost 15 years of service. And doesn't he just look like one of those guys who is destined for the booth? Think John Kruk, if One Nut Kruk can do it why not give it Matty a shot at the prime time?

8. Turk Wendell: He wore a necklace that had shark teeth on it. And he played for three teams that are in the playoffs, and four if the Mets didn't collapse. But really, shark teeth? Enough said.

7. Ozzie Guillen: Maybe Ernie would say something that would really get him going and he would have another one of those unforgettable meltdowns where he would inevitably blame Cal, Ernie, the cameraman, the producer, even the sound guy for the lackluster show they were putting on. Priceless.

6. Dan Hawkins: Who? The University of Colorado coach who blew up this summer and told his players and player's parents that complained about summer practice that "this is D1 football brother!" He's in my fav five. Can you imagine if someone didn't run their hardest to first base on a routine ground ball? They would interrupt the telecast just to let us hear Hawkins blow up in the studio: "This is the big leagues brother! Go play tee ball!" Conversely I bet he would just gush about Eric Byrnes every time he got the chance. OH, and if you didn't know, he has a blog in which he said this:

I knew we would win on Saturday. Why? Our guys had a body of work that they could draw from. Their experiences had given them what they needed to form the proper frame of mind. All that was needed was for us to go out and sing our song and do our dance! Dance we did.

Dance you did Dan, dance you did.

5. Jay Buhner: My best friend in high school had a life-size stand-up cardboard cut-out of Jay drinking Mt. Dew. Actually, just stand that up between Ernie and Cal and I'd be happy. And has there ever been a more popular lifetime .254 hitter?

4. Bruce Willis: Then Ernie could play the game "Who Looks More Like Bruce Willis, Cal or Bruce?" Maybe Chuck could make a special guest appearance and share his thoughts on the matter. I would pay for that.

3. Vladimir Guerrero: I just wanna hear him give his take on hitting whenever they talk about all the good hitters in the playoffs. Ernie would ask him how we does it, and he would say, "I see the ball and I hit it." And then maybe Cal could translate for him or something, you know, like how Kenny always tries to save Chuck from making a fool of himself when he gets rambling about how bad every team in the league is.

2. Willie Randolph: They should make him sit through every single pitch of every single inning of every freaking playoff game that the Mets aren't in. And he should be forced to write a ten page report on every inning and submit it to the league office where some intern would read it over and then sit down with him and pick through every thing he wrote, word for word, questioning every decision he ever made. Thanks for your record breaking support Willie.

1. Steve Bartman: Wouldn't that be fun? Then they could break to him live in the studio when the Cubs find a new way to shatter their fans hearts and continue their century of woe. I would buy TiVo just for that and watch it in slo-mo and then bookmark it. Can you bookmark TiVo?

This just in, they just broke in to the studio to show the Big Hurt hitting two HR's against the twins in last years playoffs. They called the segment "Moment's in History." It should be, "Moments in history that didn't make history." Frank talked us through it, told us that he was just looking to contribute, or some other cliche sports euphemism. Can you put a price on that insight? I can't.

My hat's off to Ted Turner.

Thoughts on the First Quarter and a little bit more...

It was a disappointing week for my picks, I went a paltry 6-8. But there was so much good in the weekend, coupled with the further demise of the Mets, that all in all I had to see it as a good weekend.

It also marks the first quarter point for the NFL, can you hardly believe it? It feels like just yesterday we were all praying that our fantasy players wouldn't get hurt in meaningless preseason games.

The Good: The Football Giants had 12 sacks! I don't even get 12 sacks in a game in Madden. It makes you wonder what the offensive coordinator and O-line coach were thinking halfway through the 12 sacks? "Well, that's 6 sacks Joe, should we change things up on the line yet?"

"Nope, I think we have weathered the storm, it can only get better from here, I say we call a few more seven step drop-backs for McNabb and see if we can open this game up!"

"That sounds like a great idea to me, that's why they pay you the large money I guess."

"It is."

Brett Favre and his Packers are off to an amazing 4-0 start. If I had a vote I would give the First Quarter MVP to Favre. He is singlehandedly leading that team to victories. They have a handful of no-name running backs that have led the Pack to worst rushing ranking in the league while Brett has led them to the second best passing ranking. If you aren't happy for Brett Favre you don't have a soul. Or you did, but you sold it for that Yankees hat you have.

The Pats and the Colts look unstoppable and like they are on a collision course for the AFC Championship game. If anyone can stop Randy Moss they might have a chance, but really, the Pats have always won without him, so even if they do find a way to slow him, they can always hand it off to someone like Sammy "you're still in the league?" Morris, or throw it to Mike Vrabel and they should be fine.

Kurt Warner will be starting by the end of the 2nd Quarter of the NFL, and probably by the second quarter of next week's game versus the Rams. If Matt Leinart can't get something going against my Rams, they might wanna rethink their blueprint for the future and look at Colt Brennan next year in the draft. And how cool would it be for Kurt to come back to St. Louis and lead the Cards to a victory with all those gloves and arm bands he wears?

The Lions are 3-1 and Jon Kitna looks like he could be the next Jimmy Rollins with his 10 win prediction. You know things have turned around when people are actually talking about the Lions in a way that doesn't have the word "doormat" sprinkled in there somehow. I still have this lingering feeling in the back of my head that they are gonna drop 5 or 6 in a row, just because they are the Lions, but who knows, maybe they are changing things over there and Matt Millen's 18 WR's in the first round strategy is finally working out?

The Bucs have to be included in the Good of the First Quarter. They already have as many wins as I thought they would have all season. Maybe Jeff Garcia really is a good QB? I don't know why I am so reluctant to believe in him? Maybe it's the Jerseys...it's gotta be. It could be a rough road ahead now that Cadillac is out for the season. But I can tell you that he hasn't done much for the team or my fantasy team anyway, so maybe they will be fine.

The Cowboys are good. Yippee! I hope an asteroid falls through that hole in their dome...

The Bad: The Rams, The Mets, The Chargers, The Bills, The Eagles, The Bengals, The Saints, Norv Turner.

I actually heard Norv Turner blame his players for their execution as the reason for the teams struggles. They were 14-2 last year! How can you fire the coach and hire this bum with a losing record to "turn around" the 2 loss Chargers? The Chargers front office is making a run at the worst in Sports with this debacle. Someone needs to call the Clippers and tell Donald Sterling that he might want to pick up his slack and fire-sale his whole team to make way for new seat-covers during the Clipper games.

The Rams lost another starting lineman. We really need to put Gus the Bust in their and just call it a season at this point. With two starters on the line, Brian Leonard in the backfield, and Bulger with two broken ribs...man...if they aren't ripe for a good comeback story I don't know who is? But let's be honest with ourselves Kevin, unless Kurt Warner suits up for the Rams next weekend on accident I don't see much light in the tunnel at this point.

The Bills are horrid. The Trent Edwards honey moon will wear off quickly.

The Chargers and Saints and Eagles need to pick it up and actually try to win games. They owe it to their fans. And speaking of owing it to their fans, I would like to share with you a letter the Mets front office issued to their loyal fans:

Dear Mets Fan: All of us at the Mets are bitterly disappointed in failing to achieve our collective goal of building upon last year's success. We did not meet our organization's expectations -- or yours. Everyone at Shea feels the same range of emotions as you -- our loyal fans -- and we know we have let you down. We wanted to thank you for your record-breaking support of our team this year. Equally important, Ownership will continue its commitment in providing the resources necessary to field a championship team. Omar will be meeting with Ownership shortly to present his plan on addressing our shortcomings so that we can achieve our goal of winning championships in 2008 and beyond. You deserve better results. Many thanks again for your record-breaking support.

Oh, phew, I feel so much better now. Record breaking support? How about record breaking failure...this letter is a sham, they should of just said nothing and gone about making the pitching staff serviceable for next year. But hey, thanks, it's always nice to hear that the organization shares our "range of emotions." What range are we talking about here? Devastated to Mad As Hell? Depressed to Suicidal? Thanks again.

Lastly, congratulations to the Rockies for overcoming the Miller curse and continuing their improbable run to the playoffs. As my friend Matt said last night, "even if the Rockies lost, everyone in Denver would have flooded the streets and applauded for giving us reason to watch this late in the season." Personally I hope they sweep the Phillies and Jimmy Rollins and Matt Holiday actually breaks his face sliding into home for the series-clinching run.

Pain Pills

I separated my shoulder yesterday. I felt like I needed something to distract me from the Mets historic tankage in September. I left for work with the Mets down 8-1 and prayed that somehow a lightning storm or a hurricane would tear through Flushing and destroy all record of the game causing it to have to be replayed. Maybe Pedro could start again, and maybe we could win. But then...well, we would just lose in the playoffs and still be thought of as the worst best team in history.

So I pulled my shoulder out of socket and now have to worry about that. It also has taken my mind away from the Rams playing for the first pick in the draft next year. At one point during the game against the Cowboys yesterday the announcer said, "Maybe it's time to give Gus Frerotte a look." Man. I almost kicked my shin against the cement steps. Has it really gotten that bad that we are hoping Gus will be able to turn it around? Bulger has broken ribs and no offensive line, and rookie Brian Leonard is starting at RB. I guess it has gotten that dire in St. Louis. But again, it's okay, because I might have to go to the doctor for my partially separated shoulder. How did it happen, you ask? I was taking off a long sleeve shirt and pop! Slipped right out like Oden's crappy little knee cap when he got up from the couch...

This has been quite a weekend. The only thing that will save it for me is if TJ Whosyourdaddy goes for 55 fantasy points tonight against the All-Madden's, I mean the Patriots.