Week 4 Picks

I just worked a lunch shift for the first time in months, which meant I had to wake up pre-noon, so I just now got up from my mid-evening nap. Oh, and if I hadn't mentioned before, I am a server at a restaurant here in DC and you can be damn sure that if Roy Williams ever sat at one of my tables he would get the worst service he ever dreamed possible. Including spilling his cheap white zin down his cheap back.

Anyway, on to my picks. Through three weeks: 29-19.

Houston def. Atlanta: This is another one of those picks that I could go either way on. For some reason the name Ron Dayne doesn't really instill a lot of confidence into me when thinking about the Texans running game, but then again, the name Joey Heisman does even less for me. Harrington had a good game last week and everyone in Atlanta probably hopes he doesn't so they can get on with the Byron Leftwich era. I take Houston in this one by less than 10.

Ravens def. Browns: The reality of Derek Anderson at QB will continue to be brought back down to Earth with this game for the Browns fans. The Ravens D hasn't been that incredible this year, but we're talking about the Browns here, and I don't think Jamal Lewis' "I will show them" game is going to account for much. Ravens clean up in Cleveland.

Oakland def. Miami: Culpepper's first start of the season. Possibly Trent Green's last. I have a feeling the Raiders put up big numbers in this one, and Ronnie Brown doesn't. Too bad. Dolphins move to 0-4 and start scouting the next player they are going to draft 3 rounds too high next year.

Lions def. Bears: Grossman is on the bench, some even suggested he might slip all the way down to 3rd on the depth chart, you know, to make way for Kyle Orton eventually . Yeah, good luck with that one. Who knows, maybe he's the next Brees. My moneys says not likely. Anyway, Kitna has convinced me that they might just have a winning season this year, maybe not 10 games, but maybe 9, and what with Brian Griese getting the nod this week and the Bears missing some key defensive players, the Lions can pull this one out at home.

Jets def. Bills: I am starting Chad Pennington this week thanks to Marc Bulger's broken ribs and my broken dreams for the Rams this year, so I need a big win here from the Jets. Lots of touchdowns. Lots of them. And who better to pin my hopes on but JP Losman and the Bills...oh, what? Losman is hurt? What's that? Trent Edwards? Oh. Right. Lee Evans may never catch another ball this year.

Packers def. Vikings: Tavaris Jackson may be my least favorite QB in the NFL behind Eli Manning. I would rather start Kordell Stewart at QB then Tavaris. Reason? No reason, just don't like him. Have you ever just not liked someone for absolutely no real reason at all? Like you didn't like the way someone wore their hair the day you met them and it just stuck with you every time you saw them? That's how I feel about Tavaris. Apparently Brett Favre has never won in the dome in Minnesota, I think they change that this week and push Green Bay fans to the point of delirium.

Cowboys def. Rams: I don't even want to talk about it.

SF def. Seattle: For all intensive purposes the Seagals should beat the Niners. But my friend Jon is going to be at the game, and I have a good feeling he is going to bring his treacherous luck to the stadium for his beloved Hawks and Hasslesack. That's the same reason I KNOW from the bottom of my heart the Rockies won't make the playoffs this year, because Jon jumped on the bandwagon. Jon jumping on your bandwagon is like someone jumping in your inflatable raft with spikes on (more on bandwagons in a later post).

Bucs def. Panthers: David Carr is starting, which means that the Buccaneers will have 1,000 sacks and Jeff Garcia leads the Elder Team to another win. And hey, maybe Cadillac can get some more TD's for my fantasy bench.

Chargers def. KC: Larry Johnson hasn't found a hole all season. There probably wasn't a hole to be found in the first place since the Chiefs have pushed all their chips in on Eddie Kennison for another year so opposing D's can put 11 in the box. The Chargers need this one badly. If they lose it at home I fully expect Norv Turner to be gone before years end. What's Marty up to these days, by the way? And If Tomlinson doesn't put up numbers this week all the fantasy owners who took him first overall should find a way to circumvent the "players you can't drop" rule and pick up Ron Dayne instead.

Denver def. Colts: I feel an upset coming. I don't want to jinx it, so I'm not gonna say much more, but I think this one has the makings for an Indy heartbreak.

Steelers def. Cardinals: Unless they start Kurt Warner. The Steelers are damn good, and the Cardinals are again showing why no one should ever have high expectation for them coming in to a season. If everyone just expected them to lose every game, any win would be a great thing for their fans. Even just a moral win, or one of those good losses. Steelers roll.

Eagles def. Giants: The Eagles found their stride and I think they keep it for another week here against the Giants in NY. I trust Eli like I trust Jared Lorenzon with my niece wrapped in bacon. I am starting Curtis this week even though I know he won't put up more than 10 points. It seems like a rule in fantasy that if a player scores 40 or more points in one week, the following week has to be a below-average outage. Which is why I never start role players who become stars until at least two weeks later. Say hello to Ronald Curry in my lineup. But Hines Ward is down, so Curtis gets the nod. Anyway. Eagles win. Eli throws interceptions and stares at nothing again.

Pats def. Bengals: The Patriots are too good. Randy Moss has 7 more good games in him. I hope this is a good game. I hope it's close. But I don't see anyone beating the Pats at this point in the year.

Games I wish could be played on Madden: Jets v Bills. Could there be a less entertaining game on TV this Sunday? Maybe ESPN is going to show soccer, unless Hope Solo is being interviewed I would rather watch the Jets/Bills over that, but lets just have two fat kids play this one out on Madden let everyone know the outcome.

Games I wish I could be at: Pats v. Bengals. There are three amazing receivers in this game and two amazing qb's. Even without Rudi Johnson I bet the Bengals are still able to move the chains. And God only know what Ocho-cinco will do if he scores.

Upset Watch: The victims of last weeks upset watch come back and take their revenge on Indy. Denver over Indianapolis.

Weekend Update #4

As was pointed out by Steve, I went 10-6 this week, apparently he went 11-5, but really when you take into account that I told everyone I wasn't too confident about a lot of the games, and even said to watch out for Jax upsetting the Mile Higher's, I don't feel too bad about my 10. 11 would be nice though...

But on to the weekend that was. The Rams went ahead and lost the game, Steven Jackson to injury, and another starting lineman all in 60 minutes. They also allowed the Retirement Club and the Cadillac to move to 2-1, which makes me want to poke my eyes out. But really, there is still hope right? As a fan I have to believe that there is still hope, don't I? Even when I constantly hear from ESPN that only 5 teams in the history of the NFL have made the playoffs after starting 0-3. The last one being the '98 Bills. We all know how that turned out. Bright spot? Brian Leonard will start, and he will jump over someone, mark my words and watch for the highlight.

Kurt Warner brought a little of the turf-show magic out of the closet and might have started a QB controversy in Arizona. The Cards, obviously, lost to the Ravens 26-23 which wasn't that surprising when you consider they are the Arizona Cardinals. But the way Kurt came in and dominated the Ravens D was simply awesome. I'm not sure if he should start next week, but you should be damn sure that if Leinart puts up Iverson numbers again (9-20), Kurt and his bionic arm will be right back under center faster than you can say "Brett-Favre found the fountain of youth!"

Did anyone watch the Pack attack? Brett Favre tore apart the Charger's D on his way to tying Dan Marino for rhe most TD's in NFL history. I don't think he is using HGH, but Favre and Driver have to have found the Holy Grail or the road to Eldorado or something. Coupled with the Packers defense and Oregon Alum Nick Barnett, I could see the Packers making a trip to the playoffs a serious reality.

And to all those fantasy owners who picked up Derek Anderson and started him this week, I am sure Reality Football hurt a little bit this weekend. 2 picks and a lost fumble. Yeah. It's funny what happens when you aren't playing the Bengals. I might drop Bulger and just pick up anyone who is playing the Bungles if he is available. My friend, Jon, started almost the whole Seahawks offense in his fantasy game this week and came out a winner. Me on the other hand? I had Kevin Curtis and his 51 fantasy points on my bench. Had I known they Eagles were wearing those throwback glow in the dark jerseys, I would have definitely started him.

Finally there's another team that might take over the firm grip Oregon has on the ugliest jersey's award every year. I think Rueben Droughns, my arch-nemesis in fantasy football, thought he was playing for Oregon again when he scored two touchdowns on Sunday against the Skins. That's two more than he ever scored for any team I ever had him on.

There has been talk that the Blazer's are cursed, which we undeniably are, but I am starting to think that I might be cursed. It may just be a coincidence, but almost every team I like is going down the tube. The Mets are trying their hardest to give away the division and the playoffs all together, losing over and over to the mighty Nationals. The Rams...well, yeah. Notre Dame is off to it's worst start since the 1800's. The Blazers drafted yet another broke down center. There has to be a bright spot?

How bout Syracuse upsetting Louisville! How bout Oregon waxing Stanford! Yes, yes there is a bright spot. But if the Mets lose the division and the Rams go 0-16, a perma-cloud will follow me until the Blazers win more than 35 games.

Actually, as long as there are guys out their like Oklahoma St. coach Mike Gundy blowing his top at a post-game press conference, a game in which they beat Texas Tech, I will be able to maintain a decent level of happiness.

"I'm a man! I'm forty!"


Sleeper HGH Pick: Norv Turner. Desperation does a lot of things...

Week 3 Picks

I am 21 days late on my rent, but these picks need to be made. Looking at the schedule for this week there are only a handful of games that I think are no-brainers, the rest, you would be hard pressed to find me placing bets on them with a shady bookie in a back alleyway. So, here we go:

Week 3 Picks:

Rams def. Bucs: I'm not making this pick totally based on my allegiance to the Rammers, well, maybe 60%, but even after last week when Garcia and Galloway put on a show for the late 90's and gave a post-game interview where they seemed to be lovers on the DL, I have to believe Week 1 wasn't a fluke for them. The Rams will figure out a way to hold on to the ball and put the ball in the endzone. If not, Linehan might want to get some ice for that seat. Rams 24-17.

SD def. Packers: This one pains me to pick it, but I have a feeling LT will find a way to get some yards and some points this week on Green Bays' "revamped" D. I honestly didn't even know Charles Woodson was still in the league. Favre will break the record for INT's. SD 21-10.

Jets def. Miami: A coin toss for me. Pennington is back, but Thomas Jones is averaging less than 3 ypc, and I really just don't believe in them at all to win this game. But they are the home team, and the Dolphins are not much to write home about either. Jets 14-13. If Tedd Ginn, Jr. takes one back for a TD, Dolphins 18-12.

Ravens def. Arizona: Baltimore's D will be up for the challenge this week, and given the fact that this game is in Baltimore and McNair should be under center again, I tip the scales towards the the Ravens. I think this game might look a little like the Cincy game in Week 1, with Baltimore on top this time. Bmore 27-21.

Colts def. Texans: No Andre Johnson? No way. Matt Schaub is good, but Peyton Manning is unreal. The Colts steamroll. 31-10.

Philly def. Lions: If not...McNabb will hear even more criticism. I think this one will be close. I am starting to slowly gain a little love for John Kitna. But this is another of those games where I give the edge to the home team and a veteran QB. Eagles 24-21.

Vikings def. KC: Unless Superman suits up for the Chiefs any time soon, you might be hard-pressed to find me picking KC over anyone other than Notre Dame. Vikings win, and Adrian Peterson continues to impress. Vikes 20-10.

Patriots def. Buffalo: The Patriots are too angry right now to be slowed down by Marshawn Lynch and the Bills at home. Randy Moss is up to 2/10 good games needed, I think he goes for three here. Pats 28-7.

Steelers def. SF: Willie Parker is third in Rushing Yards, which opens up the game for Big Ben to find his receivers down field. I think this trend continues at home this week. The Niners barely squeaked by my Rams last week, and I don't think Pitt is going to be handing them the win like Dante Hall did. Pitt 27-14.

Raiders def. Browns: I have a bad feeling Derek Anderson's fantasy superstardom might come crashing to an end this game. And can Jamal Lewis really get that many yards two games in a row? I am looking for the Raiders to exploit every weak part of the Browns' D and then stop them with their surprisingly good defense. Raiders 21-10.

Bengals def. Seahawks: This one will kill my dad if Chad Johnson puts on another show after a touchdown, he hates stuff like that. I don't believe Seattle is going to be that good this year in the long term, and the Bengals' D has something to prove after giving up 51 points to me on Madden last week, I mean, to Derek Anderson and the Browns. They are too good, or potentially too good, to have two bad games in a row. The 12th man in Seattle can't get on the field or in the players heads for this one. Cincy 28-21.

Broncos def. Jax: Travis Henry is the leading rusher in the league, and the second leg of my dynamic fantasy duo with big-play Willie. Although they are luckier than all get-out to be 2-0, I think they win here at home and push their record to a superbowl-fever-inducing 3-0 in Denver. If they do win here check the headlines folks, Denver will lose their minds and crown Cutler the next king of heaven and give him the keys to John Elway's car dealerships. Broncos 21-13.

Giants def. Redskins: If they don't, I might have to leave D.C. for the same reasons as mentioned above. Giants 14-13.

Panthers def. Falcons: Everything inside me wants to believe that Joey will man-up and throw the ball away instead of taking sack after sack, especially with Leftwich coming to town to take over. The time is now for Harrington to make some plays and get a W. But, sadly, I don't think it will happen, and sadly, my least favorite jerseys in the league will most likely win this game and send Joey to the bench. Panthers 20-6.

Cowboys def. Bears: I life the Cowboys offense, and more than that, I like seeing Wade Phillips break a sweat. Unless Hester breaks off another TD, I like Dallas in this one by 3. 20-17. Hester effect: 24-17 Chicago.

Saints def. Titans: The Saints can't lose two Monday night games in the first three weeks can they? It's either they win here, or lose all pride and slump to 0-3 and forget about the playoffs. At home on Monday I think they pull it out and find a way to right the ship. Saints 24-14.

Games I wish I could be at: San Diego at Green Bay. While I do think the Chargers are going to win, I would love to be in Green bay for this one. Brett Favre and Driver are clicking, and the fans are going to be ready for this one. Ever since LT solidified himself in the Fantasy Hall of Fame, everyone wants to beat San Diego because of all the hype that surrounds the team.

Cincy at Seattle is another game I think is going to be a gem. My dad used to take me to a game in Seattle every year, we would sit up in the nose bleeds and watch with binoculars in the Kingdome. This is the game I would choose. People in Seattle probably hate Chad Johnson and TJ because they have a little attitude to 'em. Seattle players are the most boring, ho-hum players in the league, but they love them. And with the Sonics leaving and the Mariners dumping the last two months of the season, this city is primed for another heartbreak.

Games I wish could be decided on Madden: Carolina/Atlanta. Until Leftwich starts it's too hard to watch or care about the hapless Falcons. And again, I just can't stand the Panthers jerseys.

Miami/Jets. Both teams 0-2, one team has to win, but both teams are battling for top spot in the draft next year unless Uncle Chad can not get hurt for the first time in his life, so really, wouldn't the best way to figure this one out just be to play it on Madden and move on to Week 4?

Upset Watch: Jacksonville at Denver.

Daly v. Janikowski: Rumble till we Stumble

I was talking to my brother-in-law, Geoff, today on Gchat and this is what we came up with: We need to see a death match between John Daly and the "John Daly" of place kickers, Sebastian Janikowski.

It will start Sunday night. Sebastian will have played a day game, and Daly will have tanked enormously as always after the first two days of the tourney. Of course, he will have a following, a huge following on the final day of the tournament even though he's 12 shots off the lead, because he can drive the ball farther and crack jokes wittier than anyone else on tour. But he will lose and be happy with his winnings. And then it will be on.

Sebastian v. Daly. An epic battle of drinking and endurance.

It will be televised on SPIKE TV. Live.

First round: Shot for shot at a local bar. A dive bar. The kind of bar you would most likely find these two when out on their own. The kind of bar with a cocktail waitress named Sue. She's got an 80's perm job and three kids to support with each nights tips. A lifer.

The two walk in. Take their seat, and ask for endless shots of Jagermeister and Redbull. After the 8th or 9th they start chanting "Jager Bomb! Jager Bomb! Jager Bomb! BOOOOMBS AWAY!" With each shot put back they stare each other down until the chant resumes. After twenty shots they are on to the next challenge.

They stumble out of the bar and on to the set of MXC (Most Extreme Challenge). Asia's hottest import to the U.S. since Ichiro. They take turns stumbling up the gauntlet towards the castle while those big rocks come tumbling down at vomit-inducing speeds, but no matter how many times each of them gets knocked down and swallows their own throw-up out of pride, these two gladiators get back to their feet.

At one point Sebastian gives up on dodging the boulders and starts to kick them out of the gauntlet. It is truly an impressive feat, but one that shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who has seen his kickoffs.

John Daly takes note of this and pulls a little magic of his own on his way to the top. From somewhere deep inside his shorts he is wearing in protest of the PGA's "no shorts" rule, he pulls out his trusty over-sized driver. As the boulders approach, and as the commentators make asinine comments about the girth of his club and the length of his shaft, John lines up, keeps his head down, and hacks away at the boulder he has convinced his inebriated mind is just "a big 'ol golf ball!" He drives three of four of these boulders out of the gauntlet and into the one of the sludge pools on the course, all the spectators stand and yell "get in the sludge! Bite! Bite!"

At the end, after all the boulders have been kicked and drove out of the gauntlet our two heroes make their way to the top, drunk-happy as a sailor seeing land and half-decent women for the first time in years. They try and high five but miss, laugh about it, and make their way back to the bar for round three!

This is where it gets hazy. The cameramen are drunk purely from second-hand drinking. Sue can barely walk from the bar to the small table the two are hulking over, and it is rumored they do somewhere between twenty to thirty more shots before finally they both fall out of their chairs, laughing at first, then appear to be pass out drunk. As soon as they were about to call it a tie, we hear a rustling on the floor, someone has held on to one last shot as they fell from the chairs, who is it?! Big John Daly sits up on one elbow, looks at Sebastian sprawled out on the dirty floor next to him, winks at the camera, and takes one more triumphant shot!

It's an instant ESPN Classic.

Weekend Update #3

My allegiance to my distrust of all things Houston Texans is starting to hurt me. Luckily I had no money on the game, but it did bring my already paltry week 2 results to a disappointing 9-7. I dropped the ball. It's ok, I'll bounce back. But for now, here are some thoughts on Week 2 in the NFL:

Tons of great drops this week, game changing drops in fact. Justin McCareins dropped a pass at the 5 that could have tied the game and given the Jets a little hope of making the post season, the stats on 0-2 teams making it to the playoffs is seriously depressing. I put a call in to Scott Linehan and reminded him of that, no word yet.

1st place goes to Brandon Jones of the mighty Titans. Vince did all he could to win the game, and Brandon Jones pulled a Nick-Anderson-esque choke by dropping two consecutive passes. In the end the Titans came up short when Indy threw the 10 man box-1 on Vince Young for the last play of the game.

Sunday was a great day for chokes all around, not just WR's joined the fun, fat kickers did too. Sebatsian Jankiowski fell victim to the freeze play. If you didn't see it you have to check it out, Mike Shanahan calls a timeout just before the ball is snapped for the go-ahead field goal, but the play goes on and Janikowski knocks one through and makes plans in his head to go straight to the bar after the big win, "the toast of the town I will be!"

The Refs call it back, says there was a timeout, everyone loses their minds on the Raiders sideline, and the Freeze is on. Everyone knows they are trying to put the Freeze on him, but everyone also knows that it rarely works. So Janikowski trots back out on the field to give it a go, and this time boinks it off the left upright. Shanahan thanked Dr. Freeze in his postgame speech, no joke.

My friend Paul's dad was so disgusted his Broncos lost to the Raiders that he turned the game as Sebastian's first kick was in the air. His wife told him later that she couldn't believe the Broncos won. I hope he had TiVo.

If I had TiVo I would go back and watch the Browns/Bengals track meet and see if they actually had defensive players on the field. Over 1000 yards of total offense combined for both teams and 96 points later you had one of the greatest fantasy games of all time! Sadly, I only had one player from that game, and my opponent had three. He set the high score for the week. You know its a shootout when Braylon Edwards gives you almost 40 points of total offense. And am I the only one that is starting to think that Jamal Lewis might have secretly traded souls with LT? Tomlinson is having the worst year of his life so far while Lewis is running for over 200 yards again, circa post-jail year!

And lets hear it for the Pac-10 this weekend. Palmer, Derek Anderson, Chad and TJ, Kellen Clemens, Matt Lienart, even Rueben Droughns is returning kicks. Heck, there were more Beavers in the Bengals/Browns game then Roger Goodell suspensions so far this year. I can't wait for everyone to run out and pick up Derek Anderson in their fantasy leagues and start him next week against Oakland. I am a big DA fan, but I doubt he will be able to put up Madden numbers again this year, especially when Baltimore comes to town and he has to stare down Ray Lewis and his torn bicep. What a man. Lewis even got an interception this week. If I had a torn bicep I would make someone raise the beer glass to my mouth for me. "MMM....a little more please..."

On a more depressing note this weekend, the spirit of Az Hakim hasn't left St. Louis. Dante Hall muffed the fair catch in the fourth quarter with the Rams up 16-14. The Niners kicked a field goal and Wilkins missed a 56 yard game winner later. I actually said to myself while following the game online before the punt:

"Man, I am glad we don't have the Wizard of Az anymore. Thank God for Dante Hall..."

Even though the rams had 200 yards more than the Niners on offense they couldn't squeak out a win. The Niners must be the most unimpressive 2-0 team in a long time. Both their wins have come by way of the other team not actually wanting to win the game. And, both games have been NFC West games. Whoever gets in from this division is going to be like the 7th and 8th seed in the Eastern Conference, it's fun for them and their respective fans, but no one really cares.

Personally, I think everyone in the league is playing for second place behind the Patriots. Even without their cameras they obliterated the Thunder Bolts. The Pats doubled the Chargers yards on offense and had 11 minutes more of possession time. Bill Simmons wrote a great article on the game. Like I said after Week 1, if Randy Moss gives them 10 games like this, so only 8 more, they will dominate all year. 14 or 15 wins isn't out of the question.

You know what else isn't out of question? OJ Simpson being the dumbest man in America. Forget the murders he may or may not have committed, that's a moot point now, you have to read this article about his arrest. My favorite part is when he tells the reporter that despite the arrest, "I am having a great time," and that he thought, "what happens in Las Veags stays in Las Vegas." Really?

He is a 60 year old man who just potentially went into a room with his old friends and stole things that weren't his at gunpoint. He is facing a lot of jail time, which he probably won't get we all know, but really, this is what you have to say about it? Wow. That's like if Janikowski celebrated after missing the second kick by doing cartwheels into the the locker room. If Art Shell was around for that, even he would have to react.

And finally, there were many upsets in college football this weekend. But my favorite moment of all of them, hands down, was the look on the Kentucky assistant coach's face after Kentucky scored the go-ahead touchdown. I'm sure you saw it if you saw the replays, and for the life of me I can't find a picture of this guy, but it was classic. This spindly white kid with a clipboard and a headset runs on to the field and does a squat-scream with so much dedication in his face that I swear he was going to drop a deuce right there on the field. Kentucky is ranked #21 in the polls, the first time since 1984 that they have been seen in the top 25, but I wonder if the voters had seen this guy celebrate before voting would they have ranked them a few spots higher. I think it's worth it.

Week 2 Results: 9-7
Overall: 19-13

I am off to see the Mets play the Nationals tonights, fingers crossed that John Maine can go the whole game...

Week 2 Picks

I am looking to improve on my 10-6 performance last week. It's hard to focus on anything else other than Greg Oldman having microfracture surgery, but I will endure.

Indy def. Ten: Everyone is talking about how Indy should be worried about going in to Tennessee because of Vince Young and the run offense. I think Tennessee should be worried about Indy's stable of offensive horses they got over there, and I think the D will man up and stop Tennessee and Vince.

Green Bay def. NYG: Possibly no Eli, possibly the largest QB in NFL history replacing him and an unproven running back by the name of Derrick Ward? I am going with Favre breaking the record for all-time wins.

Cincy def. Cleveland: Be it Anderson or Quinn or even my boy the Dorsal Fin, Cincy rolls, Chad dances, and TJ has long hair.

Carolina def. Houston: I heard a commentator say the Texans might make the playoffs. I might be superman. Carolina has to beat Houston, they beat my Rams last week...our strength of schedule needs it...

New Orleans def. TB: Cadillac is knicked up, and New Orleans is looking to rebound from their drubbing last week. 28-9 New Orleans.

Pitt def. Buffalo: Pitt runs all over Buffalo's weak run D, Big Ben basks in the light of throwing 4 td's last week, and JP Losman still has untapped potential.

Atlanta def. Jax: This one is a hard for me to swallow, but I feel it. I still don't believe that the Jags are near as good as anyone thinks they are, and even though I do believe Joey H is as bad as everyone thinks, I think Atlanta pulls this one out by a late field goal. 13-10.

Rams def. Niners: Bulger has a big day, Darrell Jackson drops TD's, and Steven Jackson steam rolls. They will miss Pace, but Barron should be serviceable.

Detroit def. Minny: If this game were in Minnesota I would pick the Vikings. Peterson runs amok, but in the end Detroit moves to an unheard of 2-0!

Seattle def. Cardinals: Those loyal Card fans endure another heartbreaking loss. At this point though, shouldn't they kind of be numb to it all?

Dallas def. Miami: Miami got beat by the hapless skins. They looked horrible. I think Ronnie Brown gets stifled by Dallas' D, and TO has another big day...sadly.

Chicago def. KC: The Chiefs are playing for the number 1 pick next year, they better pray to the draft gods that he isn't a distant relative of Oden.

Baltimore def. Jets: Baltimore, with or without Air McNair, beats the Jets and Kellen Clemens by two scores. Baltimore's D is the scariest thing I have seen since the Boogey Man.

Denver def. Oakland: Good news though! Jamarcus might be on the sidelines! Still, T-9 has ten touchdowns, one for each kid and one for the bun in the oven, and my fantasy team rolls!

Patriots def. Lightning Bolts: Not convinced about the Norv Turner effect. And the Pats have to much pride and to much to prove. New England squeaks one out at the end and John Madden picks an O Lineman as the Horse Trailer player of the week. Love those kankles.

Philly def. Washington: McNabb goes off. Kevin Curtis makes me wish I would start him, and Westbrook continues to be one of the more underrated RB's in the NFL. And oh yeah, the skins show up and try and move the ball downfield...

Games I wish I could be at: Patriots vs. Bolts. I think this is gonna be an epic game, there is so much intrigue on both sides of the ball. Maybe Merriman will accidentally run into a camera on the sideline and bleed HGH...God is funny that way.

Games I wish didn't have to be played: Atlanta/Jax, Carolina/Houston. Maybe they could put all four teams in a ring and have a royal rumble match. Other than that, I have no interest in either of these games, unless Delhomme is sick or injured and can't play and David Carr steps in against his old team. He should change his number to V for Vendetta and throw for 400 yards.

Possible Upsets I hope don't happen: Oakland over Denver. Unless it is a shootout. Because really, I would love for the Raiders to beat Denver and their High and Mighty fans. I mean, Mile High Fans. And for the love of God, don't let the Titans win. I don't want to hear about the greatness of Vince again this week. Unless it's in reference to how he is the next Randall Cunningham.

Upsets I secretly hope happen: Giants and the Pillsbury QB over Green Bay.

Diary of a Depressed Man

2:47 pm: I am chatting on Gmail with my friend Jon about whether or not he should pick up Deuce McAllister in our fantasy league. Then it came. The most devastating news in my recent memory.

Jonathan: holy shit

turn to ESPN right now

i mean the website

I thought maybe Lou Pinella was taking HGH, or they found out that Tim Hardaway really is clinically insane, but no. Greg Oden had microfracture surgery. Out for the season. For all I care, out for life.

2:50 pm: My head is spinning. Images of Mashburn, Webber, Allan Houston, Amare, Sam Bowie, Bill Walton are swimming through my head, all flipping me off. I tell Jon I have to go.

3:30 pm: I am showering. I have entered depression. It doesn't feel good. The presumably hot water feels cold.

4:15 pm: Driving to work I start to rationalize: "Maybe he will be better? Is that possible? Maybe, everything is possible, anything can happen nowadays! Right? Right?! Right! Yeah. This isn't so bad, and heck, we still have a good team, and shoot, maybe Aldridge's heel will heal and Roy will play all 82 games and Durant will suck. Who knows! Maybe HE will be the next Darko! Ha! The Sonics....I pitty them..."

4:16: I am almost in tears. I contemplate quitting the Blazers. Possibly quitting the NBA and basketball as a whole.

4:45: At work, standing at the bar watching the doctors talk about microfracture surgery on ESPN News. It doesn't look good. 12 months to be safe, they have nothing to lose, they say, by taking it slow with Oden. WE HAVE EVERYTHING TO LOSE! No one around me cares. We are in Washington, D.C. I take a shot of vodka.

5:00: They are replaying the Blazer's News Conference. I am reading the subtitles because the volume is off. Nate McMillan looks like he wants to kill himself. Pritchard hasn't slept in years. Nate talks about how they were looking forward to LaMarcus and Greg playing together. I want to cry. Pritchard assures us Oden is still the right pick. If I could fly, I would fly to Portland on the winds of the gods and puke all over Pritchard.

6:00: I have resigned to give up on the Blazers for 5 years. I won't even check the boxscores, I won't watch the highlights, I won't go to games. 5 years should be long enough for Oden to be out of the league, right? 5 years it is.

6:15: I discuss the possibilities of Oden coming back and being near the same, whatever that is, after rehabbing. Co-worker laughs. I laugh. This is funny. This has to be funny. God has to hate us. Maybe Oregon shouldn't have assisted suicide. I blame Kavorkian. I hate Kavorkian.

6:30: Contemplate writing a letter to the Oregon Congress about passing a law requiring all Oregonians to repent of everything they have ever done. I would conclude with this: It is only by this, and through this, that I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that said smiting (the smiting from God would have been well referenced and documented in relation to Blazer history) should cease and the success will return to this cursed franchise.

6:55: At every table I greet I see Kevin Durant.

7:45: I feel drunk. The gambit of emotions my body has endured in the last five hours has led to me feeling inebriated. I welcome it. I embrace it.

10:00: Work has slowed, the dinner rush is over. My body has returned to reality, and with it, my depression. Text messages from unsympathetic friends fill my inbox. I hate them all. I wish terrible things on them.

11:00: Sportscenter. Oden. Shoot me.

12:00 AM: I call a friend, a Nugget fan, and tell him of my five year hiatus. His answering machine listens intently to my three minute diatribe of hate. I tell him I will never move back to Portland. Ever. I tell him it is too much. I can't take it anymore. Mashburn. Houston. Hardaway. Webber. Bowie. Walton. Bowie. Bowie. Bowie.

12:35 AM: I call my friend Andy on the way home from work. We watched the draft together. We both rooted for the Blazers to select Oden. I told him of my thoughts of -- Bowie -- retiring from the Blazers for five years. He laughed. I laughed. I knew I couldn't do it. He tells me that Pritchard picked the right kid. I ask him what the reaction in Portland has been like.

"Typical. Looking for the bright side, you know, 'we'll get him next year.' That kind of crap."

I tell him that's bull poop. "It's a bust. It's a bust. There is no way around it. There is no way to find the silver lining. There is no good side to this. Durant is going to score 50 on the Blazers and there is nothing we can do about it. We are cursed. He said he isn't going to buy season tickets anymore.

12:55 AM: This thought passes through my mind: Maybe Joel Przybilla will have a career year. Maybe I should move to Nova Scotia.

Cheating on Frye

Why is everyone so up in arms about the Patriots cheating? Do we really believe that every team doesn't try and steal signs from the other sideline? When you are playing football in the backyard or on the beach with your friends you do all you can to see who the qb is pointing to in the huddle, and to hear what play he is calling. I don't know if my morals are lower then they should be, I am a lifelong Blazers fan, maybe that has something to do with it, but I honestly don't see why some pundits and TV heads want to burn the Pats at the stake for this.

I just watched a segment on ESPN's First Take where a "spy expert" showed us all the tools that possibly could be used when stealing signs. Thanks. It was cool seeing the over-sized Binoculars and all, but the guy happened to be a Jets fan, and he happened to believe that the Pats W should be taken away by the league and given to the Jets. If they take the win away from the Pats why would they give it to the Jets? They got slaughtered! It's not like it was a close game in the fourth quarter and Nash got body checked into the scorers table. No blood no foul. Well, no broken bones no foul.

Don't put an asterisk by the championships, don't take away wins, don't suspend the coach, maybe take away a draft pick or something, or if you really want to hurt the team and their fans, limit the amount of people who can come to their next home game by 10k. Can you imagine if Bill Simmons was left out in the cold because of Cameragate? Hellfire would reign down.

Another thing that baffled me after this weekend was Cleveland trading their opening day starting quarterback?! Granted it was Charlie Frye, but it makes me wonder what in the world Cleveland is thinking here? If they had started Derek Anderson instead of Frye and Anderson went 4/10 with a pick, would they have traded him to the Seagals too? If they want Quinn to start without there being much grumbling from the other QB's on the roster, just show them the tapes of all the games they played, and then simply ask: "Any questions?" I don't blame Frye though, I blame Big Ben. Had he not won it all in his rookie year no one would have believed in the MAC QB craze. Jacksonville fell prey to the same thing, putting their hopes on the bum ankles of Leftwich.

Besides the unprecedented trading of an opening day quarterback in the first week thing, what really makes me scratch my head is not that they signed Ken Dorsey to be the third stringer, but that they are saying they signed him to be a MENTOR for Quinn! The Dorsal Fin hasn't done anything since running the offense for the NFL-Hurricanes against college kids.

His career 63.5 QB Rating is enticing, but I think Quinn might be hoping his career trajectory has a little more arch to it rather than a sharp downward angular look to it. I hope NFLTV has a camera following the mentor-mentee duo around as the season goes on. I want to hear what Dorsal has to say when Quinn throws his first INT on a blown Cover 2 read and trots back to the sideline with his head hung a little low:

Dorsey: Hey, hey, keep your head up buddy, huh?!
Quinn: I didn't see the linebacker shift over...I...
Dorsey: I know, it's hard, believe me I KNOW. Look Quinn, why don't we just call it a day and go grab a little snack, maybe a brew or two?
Quinn: That was only the first drive of the game Ken, there is still the whole game left.
Dorsey: I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean. They have fast players out there. So fast. Just so...fast.
Quinn: (looking away awkwardly) Yeah...well, thanks?
Dorsey: No problem, hey, that's what I'm here for right?! (pumps his chest with his fist and then points to the sky.)

Anyway, I am off to see if I can find out what Romanowsky has to say about the Patriots cheating. Unheard of.

Weekend Update #2

I was 10-6 this week. Not bad. Not great. Maybe if Mario Williams wouldn't have gotten the game ball from Tom Jackson I would have been 11-5. But as I sat there last night and watched as Arizona found new ways to lose to San Fran, I couldn't help but think what a great first weekend it was. Not to mention that I pulled out a victory in week one of my fantasy football league, even though I scored the lowest points for a winning team in the league thanks to Santanna Moss scoring a whopping 5 points. Ronald Curry meanwhile, warming my bench, put up 29...

I was counting on Marc Bulger to put up astronomical numbers all year when I drafted him as my QB in every single league I'm in, but alas, the turf show and Jackson got off to a seriously hobbled start. I had to track the game online and thought they had the players names wrong when Action Jackson fumbled twice! How can he break the record for yards from scrimmage if he fumbles? It's okay though, I still believe, and the Niner's are coming to town next week, so all we have to do is run the box-and-1 on Gore and let Alex Smith try to throw every down and we should be golden. As for Jackson and Bulger, it might be a little more difficult all year with the loss of Orlando Pace...maybe we should bring back Turley? Nah.

The Broncos, meanwhile, and their crazed fans believe they have found the next Elway, finally. Jay Cutler led a game winning drive and is now taking to the throne as we speak. I wonder if they remember that The Snake was pretty good at 4th quarter comebacks too? Maybe he should get his own car dealership.

Speaking of guys who used to be good, remember Joey Heisman when he played for Oregon? He was the king of the comeback. I got a text from my brother-in-law after the Atlanta game ended, you know the one, the one where Joey threw a touchdown for the other team, it said: "You're right. Joey does suck." It's harsh to say that he sucks, he doesn't really suck that bad, he is just not the guy you want throwing the ball for your NFL team.

I was kind of surprised though that Joey didn't play better, I don't know why, maybe I too was tricked into believing in the powers of Petrino. But then again, there were many surprises this weekend...one of the main reasons I almost lost this week in fantasy land was because of some gangly WR out in New England that decided to put his pads on the right way for the first time since Minnesota and go nuts on the Jets. Stealing signs or not, Moss was on a whole other level. If he can play like that for at least ten of their games, it might be hard to stop them. And is it just me, or does Randy Moss kind of look like the lead singer from the Ramones as seen in the movie Rock ''n' Roll High School? The tight pants? The hair? No?

Something that didn't surprise me on Monday night was the Niners' wide reciever #82 dropping balls in the end zone. I was chatting on Gmail with my friend Jon, a diehard Seahawks fan:

Jonathan: question why do you trade your #1 reeciever for a fourth round pick?

answer: because he sucks
and his name is Darrel Jackson...

It was perfect. He had just dropped the pass in the endzone, the one that dropped right over his shoulder and through his hands, and Jon felt redeemed for all those balls that slipped through his hands when he was a Seagal.

A little redemption also came for Notre Dame fans when Arnaz Battle scored the go-ahead TD and re-instilled reality into the Cardinal fans, not to mention former USC QB Matt Leinart. Maybe the Karma from the "Bush-push" still hasn't worn off. When the season has started out as bad as it has for Notre Dame, we gotta take what we can get.

And just when I thought the Giants couldn't be any more depressing than they already are, Eli goes down with a shoulder injury. Although he is listed as week to week, it still has to suck to be a Giants fan right now. Your counting on Brandon Jacobs, oh wait, no he is hurt too, your counting on Derrick Ward, who? Your former running back is making headlines from the booth, and your probable starting qb for next week is none other than Jared Lorenzen. All 450 pounds. But honestly, he is one of my favorite all time qb's. Did you ever use him in NCAA Football for EA? He was a monster. I took him into the league to build my team around him but his 6.5 40 time proved to be a little too slow for...well, anything besides a 1 step dropback. Good luck.

And finally, as I was driving to work Sunday night and listening to the end of the Redskins game, another game no one wanted to win (see Fred Smoot), and I changed the channel a few times to make sure I hadn't accidentally tuned into the local Retirement home's broadcast. It seemed like Larry Michael, the play by play man, invited his friend who happened to be in town from West Virginia into the studio and the friend happened to bring his senile Uncle along. They literally just rambled on and on about what they hoped would happen, not what actually was happening on the field. It was like listening to Bill Walton try and explain tap dancing. Lots of words, none that actually pertained to anything in particular, but lots and lots of words.

Now I am off to pick up the backup for Derrick Ward for my fantasy squad. Unless that guys' name is a the same as a meaty sandwich.

The Silver Lining

I don't know if God is smiting me or if it's just bad luck, but lately all my false idols have crumbled like my 2000 Blazers in the fourth quarter against the Lakers.

First, and I have been reluctant to talk about this because it was a devastating blow to my soul, so much so that I had a dream about it last night where I renounced this man to my friends, Bear Grylls is a fake. If you don't know who he is, I envy you. He is the star of Man v. Wild on The Discovery Channel, and he broke my heart. He parachutes into god-awful places and survives on nothing but what he finds in nature and his intellect and teaches you how to get to safety if you ever find yourself stuck in the French Alps with only a sharpie. That kind of thing. But apparently he has been duping all of us and staying in hotels and having other people make rafts out of bamboo for him...it's too depressing to go on.

Now, another idol has fallen like Tony Romo on the one yard line. Rick Ankiel used HGH back in 2004. Honestly, I haven't even read anything about it, or watched any reports on ESPN about what actually went down. But man, do I have to drop him from my Fantasy Baseball team now? He has catapulted me back into the chase for 7th place. And besides that, can you get a cooler story than Ricky throwing the ball into the upperdeck and then coming back years later and hitting balls into the upperdeck? He's like the real-life "Natural." But damn this HGH stuff. Apparently it wasn't illegal when he used it, so maybe there's a little silver lining to be found, but still, now he is gonna join the likes of Sammy and Mark and Barry and Jose and Wade Wilson with asterisks by their name.

But all is not lost. Mike Pelfrey got another win for the Metropolitans, who has a pretty good comeback story of his own brewing. He started the year the darling of the Mets rotation before dropping to 0-5 and then taking the bus to the minors. But now he's back and has good fortune on his side. And speaking of my Mets, how bout their response to dropping 3 to Philly by going on a tear to push their lead back up to 6 in the division. Just give us 5 innings Pedro, just five and then we'll hand it over to our amazing bullpen and close the...oh wait. Pitch all nine Pedro, just all nine, I beg you.

And finally, the real silver lining, the NFL has begun and I can finally stop making pre-season fantasy moves that will most likely come back to haunt me. I have made 5 already in one of my leagues, albeit one being dropping Mike Bell or whoever it was that was supposed to be backing T-9 and picking up Selvin Young just in case T-9 loses favor in Denver.

The Colts pounded the Boilermakers, I mean the Saints, and Drew Brees gave my Fantasy opponent a whopping 2 points. Thank you Brees. I don't know how he managed two points, he should've been docked points for never going downfield, not even once, while the score was still close. My favorite part of the whole night though, watching Saint's CB Jason David get burned repeatedly by his old team. I bet with every bomb he watched being dropped over his head he was thinking to himself, "Damn...was Mardi Gras really worth changing teams...I do like those beads though..."

The Rams open the 2007 season against the Panthers, who I am betting will go 7-9, losing 4 of their last 5 games, with a final crushing loss to the mighty Buccaneers which will finally usher out the Delhomme era and give the Bucs win number 4. So long Jon.

Here's my picks for Week 1:

--Washington def. Miami: The magic might be gone for Trent Green.

--Atlanta def. Minnesota: Harrington v. Tavaris...coin toss...Ducks win.

--Tennessee def. Jacksonville: Gotta believe Vince has a good game or four before the curse catches up with him. It's a shame. It has to happen, but it's a damn shame. So much promise.

--Rams def. Panthers: 100-58, the Greatest Show on Turf lives on for another year.

--Steelers def. Browns: There is a reason they drafted Quinn, they don't trust Frye. Oh, who's starting? Weird. Steelers roll.

--Pats def. Jets: Thomas Jones is good. Pennington is worse.

--Philly def. Green Bay: I would take McNabb over Favre in any competition, except facial hair. Favre has kickass facial hair.

--Denver def. Bills: Just because my whole Fantasy season rides on T-9 getting TD's this year.

--KC def. Texans: I still can't believe in the Texans. Mario Williams still haunts me. Actually, I say they tie. 3-3.

--Seattle def. Tampa: This won't be one of the Bucs 4 wins. The 12th man in Seattle is too much for the Swashbucklers.

--Detroit def. Oakland: But this one comes down to the final possessions of the game, and neither team really tries to win. Maybe a fumble return by Detroit or a safety to win the game.

--Bolts def. Bears: I hate Grossman.

--Dallas def. Giants: Giants have Rueben Droughns.

--Baltimore def. Cincy: And every Ravens defensive player takes a cheap shot at Ocho-Cinco.

--Niners def. Cards: In a devastating loss, the Cards, up 14 at half, find a way to continue the doom. "But they have such good owners" everyone says. If only they could play the games.

Book it.

Weekend Update #1

What a Labor Day weekend for all of us who didn't go on vacation somewhere, or like me, had to work. Appalachian State shocked the world and the Big House by upsetting Michigan. I don't even think "upset" is an adequate word...Michigan got Arquetted (David Arquette marrying Courtney Cox). I was following the game online, since no national network was covering the game for obvious reasons: two Heisman Candidates versus, uh, Appalachian State, and thought the game was over when Michigan took the lead in the fourth quarter. But I almost peed my shorts when I saw that they blocked the field goal to win the game, how perfect. I can't imagine being a fan at the game, I bet all 110k people went straight to a bar, or maybe just straight home and began drinking heavily with the shades drawn on the windows and TBN blaring from the TV. The worst Labor Day weekend ever for Michigan fans.

I was on the phone with my friend Matt before the game, a fellow Notre Dame fan, and I told him that if App. St. beats Michigan I wouldn't even care if ND gets blown out. And what do you know. Three quarterbacks later, ND got blown out and the App. St. coach got carried out of the stadium on his players shoulders.

Earlier in the weekend though, some kid by the name of Clay Buchholz (an unfortunate last name) threw a no-hitter for Boston. In just his second start he added more woe to the Oriole's franchise this year. It was impressive seeing a 23 year old dominate a game the way he did. I just hope he doesn't end up being another child star like the Corey's. So much promise so early, so many expectations left dead on the table.

Above all though, my favorite story of the weekend, hands down, was that of another person trying to get a leg up on the competition by using banned substances. Cowboys quarterback COACH, Wade Wilson. I take my hat off to you sir. I thought it was bad with Couchy getting all huge on HGH, but you my friend have surpassed them all. Maybe we need urine tests for all coaches in the league, Bill Bellichek has to be using something right? He can't really be that good of a coach without some kind of supplement. Ginseng?

A side note: why is Wade Wilson, a lifetime 57% comp. passer with more INT's then TD's a quarterbacks coach? Maybe Harrington does have a future in the league after all.

What a weekend.

Timing is Everything

It's all about timing. In every facet of life, it's all about timing. Especially in the NFL. You don't start a rookie qb because you have to give him time. As an offensive linemen you have to time the snap just right or else you will either be flagged for moving early, or knocked on your butt for moving late.

Defensive linemen are all about timing. And now, more so then ever, Michael Strahan is all about timing. Strahan is coming back, he is ending his holdout and coming back to play for the G-men. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

His timing is impeccable. If he didn't want to play the ten snaps in all the games combined he would have played, he could've just said so. Why holdout until the pre-season is finished? Until you only have four practices left before your first game, where I am guessing if he doesn't play he will complain, and if he does play he will complain about being out of shape.

I hate the NFL pre-season, I think it should only be 2 quarters long, running clock, and veterans shouldn't have to play. I hate seeing players get injured, any player, starter or bench cleaner, because they are getting hurt for nothing but networks being able to sell commercial spots. And maybe a few roster battles here and there, which I'm sure they could figure out some other way. But, they do play pre-season, and the team leaders should be there. Way to go Strahan. You timed it just right. I hope no one notices.

And speaking of veteran leadership, way to go Rodney Harrison. Apparently Rodney and Couch were using the same rehab plan. It blows me away that high profile players would even consider using anything banned. It's like bringing Hormel Chili to the national chili cookout. Everyone is watching.

HGH is not a steroid, per say, but the damn thing is banned, and you play for the New England Patriots, and you have a team that we all used to try and create on Madden, and now you are suspended for four games. A big thumbs up.

Finally, great news out of Jacksonville. David Garrard was given the starting spot. Sucks for all the fantasy owners who might have drafted Leftwich. Or does it? My hope is that he gets traded to Atlanta, or picked up on waivers if he is just flat out released (which would be foolish because I can think of a few teams off the top of my head who he would be an upgrade for: KC, Croyle, really? Atlanta, love Joey Heisman but the dude is as consistent as Ricky Bobby. Carolina, might as well add a third guy to that "battle" for QB out there. Minnesota, Tavaris Jackson. Right.) because he would have more weapons around him than MOJO and Matt Jones, and it would be interesting to see what a QB like Byron could do in Petrino's offense. Brohm and Leftwich aren't too far apart at this point in their respective careers, who knows, could work.

Plus, if he did get picked up by one of those teams and was able to start by week 5, or week 3 if it's Atlanta, I could drop J.P. Losman from my fantasy team. I don't know why, I just never trust a qb from Buffalo. I do love those jerseys though.