Flea Flick Me, and a great prank.

What's the deal with quarterback's feeling like it's necessary for them to throw down field if they run a flea-flicker, even if the receiver is double covered? Just take the sack. Miss. St.'s qb was picked off for third time, this time in the end zone while trying to be a hero. And he just got picked off for the fourth time as I write this, and it's still the first half. And their still only down by 10. Don't be a hero.

Anyway. Now that that's out of my system check this out if you haven't seen it already, one of the coolest pranks ever.

Couch Change

Tim Couch used HGH! Alert the press! Alert congress! Tell the world! TIM COUCH USED HGH! What's that I hear? Crickets? Yes, it's crickets...

Who cares? Do those in Jacksonville care? They just signed him, are you sure, what's that? They still don't care? Oh, they might cut him? Sure. But really, who cares.

Well, I would care if he used it when was good. Which was...last year? No, with Cleveland? No...oh that's right, when he was at Kentucky. Eight years ago.

Here's the deal. He used HGH in 2006. Unless you want to quibble about irrelevant throws in the pre-season or in training camp, or maybe in Europe if he played there, frankly I don't even want to look it up to see if he did, it really is meaningless that he used them.

He said he used them to help his shoulder heal. Fine. I accept it.

Remember when Couch was the golden boy coming out of Kentucky? Remember how he was going to save the Browns? Maybe he should of used HGH back then. But if he did, maybe they wouldn't of drafted Brady Quinn. Another golden boy, another Browns team with a slow running back. Maybe Brady should take HGH. I won't tell.

Everything you need in 7 Minutes.

Watching Team USA slaughter Mexico is entertaining, what's even more entertaining though is listening to Bill Walton. This guy should be a baseball announcer. He is nothing but filler. Since they don't have to actually talk about the game that's happening because America is up by 30, Bill is free to wax and wane about just about anything he wants.

Some subjects he has touched on, just in the last seven minutes of the fourth quarter alone:

-- The Robber Baron Era
-- The Mexican Revolution
-- The fact that Mexico is the 12th largest economy in the world
-- "the lightning flash across the volcano" (no idea)
-- The limitations and frailty"ness" of human nature

If the US government wants to takesteps towards solving the poor education that plagues our inner-cities, all they have to do is put tapes of Walton in the VCR and let the kids take in all the wisdom Bill has to share. They could save money as well by canceling history classes, philosophy, economics, and sociology classes and subbing Bill's in-game sermons in their place.

Bill knows what he's talking about when it comes to basketball, most of the time, but it seems like this guy does more pre-game studying to buff up his commentary then he ever did in all his college days at UCLA.

If you have a chance, catch some of the next three games. Don't watch the game, do something else, like write or read or cut your toe-nails, just listen to Bill and all his worldly wisdom.

The Pride Rule

I was at work last night, huddled around the bar having a nice Rum and Coke to end my night, and I saw something on the Sportscenter Ticker that I thought for sure was a typo. It had to be, right?

TEX 30, BAL 3.

I looked to the left of the score and it said that it was an MLB game, nah, couldn't be. Baltimore is bad, but not that bad, in fact, haven't they been somewhat respectable this year? Maybe the Texans beat the Ravens 30-3. That's actually probably more unbelievable. I don't think Matt Schaub and Old-Man Green are capable of putting up those kinds of numbers against Ray Lewis and Co. In fact, I found out this morning on ESPN's First Take that the Ravens haven't allowed 30 runs since 2005.

Thirty runs? 30! Are you kidding me? It was the first game of a double header. They had fresh pitchers. Did they accidentally put the Maryland's little league teams' pitchers out there? I didn't see the actual game, maybe they dressed those little guys in big leaguer's jerseys, like Tom Hanks in Big. And then they all went out and played the piano afterward.

30 runs hasn't been done since 1900. Maybe there should be a 20-run rule. Or, maybe there should be a pride-rule, and if you ever get beat by 27 runs, allow 30 runs and 29 hits, the whole team should take the field after the team in their undies and the groundsman will turn the sprinklers on and they have to play duck-duck goose.

Getting beat by 27 runs is like getting beat by 80 in basketball, by 60 in football, and by, well, who cares about hockey.

The thing that really baffles me though, how did Littleton get a save? HE WAS UP BY 27! Can anyone explain that to me?

Fantasy Killers

It's between Family Guy and ESPN's Fantasy Draft Special. I admit I was interested at first in the fantasy draft show, maybe I could find a steal in the fifth round or something that might win a game or two for me during the season, but then I saw Jerry O'Connell. I haven't liked anything he has done since Stand By Me. So it's Family Guy. Meg just came out and Peter said it was awesome. Much better than Mark Schlereth and Jerry.

So, instead of watching others talk about fantasy football, I thought I would give you my tips for this years upcoming season.

1. Resist the urge to draft Rueben Droughns, no matter how hard it may be, even if you are trying to handcuff him toe Brandon Jacobs. Even if Jacobs goes down in the first week and you are scrambling for a replacement, you have to resist the urge to pick him. I have somehow ended up with Droughns on my team each of the last four years. Be it through the draft, free agency, or yes, even through a trade, I have ended up with what has to be one of the most unproductive running backs in fantasy football history. The dude has racked up a handful of touchdowns in what seems like 1000's of touches. You would be better off rigging up a way to get points for you team for every time John Madden mentions his love of kankles.

2. Stay clear of anyone with the last name Gramattica. Even if all the other kickers in the world are raptured. Just for posterity's sake.

3. Do not draft anyone from the Detroit Cubby's. Not even Calvin Johnson, unless you truly believe Kitna and his lofty expectations for the season...again.

4. If it comes down to it, and you don't know who to pick in the final rounds, pick the team with the hottest cheerleaders and then pick the highest rated available player from that team. Maybe he will play just a wee bit harder then the other guy, who knows?

5. Don't pick anyone that Vick could snitch on.

But above all else, stay away from Droughns, oh, and Mwelde Moore, somehow those guys always end up on my team and always help me to finish in 7th place, one spot out of the playoffs. This will be the year that I stand strong, that I break my addiction to mediocre backs, and that I make a run at the title.

Top Play Tonight

If you just missed it you have to watch Sportscenter tonight, it will be the top play of the day:

Bottom of the 6th, a runner on, two outs, the chubby hitter steps to the plate already striking out twice earlier in the game but looking to win the game. The pitcher, who the announcer called "Armando Benitez," throws nothing but fastballs. The coach tells the chubby hitter to look fastball, he does, the pitcher throws a fastball on the next pitch, he hits it deep centerfield, it has the distance, it has the carry, the centerfielder watches and waits at the wall, he leaps and MAKES THE CATCH! I jumped up from my couch and almost shed a tear for they little centerfielder the call "Rabbit." It was incredible. The Mass team beat the Ohio team 3-2.

Watch for it tonight. It was what Little League is all about.

Divine Olympic Intervention

I was laying in bed last night and it came to me, like Patrick Swayze to Demi Moore in Ghost. I should have seen it before, I felt so dumb, so ashamed that I needed supernatural intervention to realize it. Realize what?

Coach K is blowing the whistles at USA Basketball practice, that's why JJ Reddick was invited to try out again! Man...I feel embarrassed. It's the only thing that makes sense out of the whole JJ - USA relationship. Granted, he is the classic All-American kinda kid, you know, the kind that Ryan Gosling would play in a high-school sports movie, and that all the girls would swoon over. And yes, he does write poetry, and that would be a dandy addition to USA Basketball. I can see it now:

JJ and the rest of the USA Team is standing on the podium receiving their Gold Medals, flashbulbs pop, everyone is cheering, streamers fall to the ground from the victorious sky, and JJ takes a step forward, a mic is a placed in front of him by some young Chinese official, and...

"Red, white and blue
Bringing back the Gold for you.
China has been great
Even though it's a communist state.
We came, we saw, we conquered,
Kobe scored 50, even though all Euros are floppers,
And Coach K, Coach K, Coach K
All this is for you, and you deserve an A..."

JJ bows, all the other USA players clap politely, the kind of embarrassed clap John Daly would get if he ever took to the first tee wearing his favorite tweed shorts, showing off those legs of his. JJ joins his teammates back in line, JJ the only one in street-clothes...

I understand that we are looking to build a "program" here in the US that rivals those of Argentina and Spain and whatnot, but what valid reason is there to include JJ on the roster, even just the practice roster? The latest addition, Nick Collison, makes me scratch my head too, but at least he is a proven rebounder. But then again, so is Danny Fortson.

JJ can shoot. But beyond a few summer league games, has he really proven himself worthy to be representing the best that America has to offer? If you want a three point shooter to compliment Mike Miller (really?) how about Raja Bell? He can hit the three and play some serious defense, that's one more dimension then JJ will provide at this point in his career. Jason Kapono comes to mind too. He was lights out this year. JJ shot a paltry 38.8% from beyond the line. Ime Udoka shot better than that. He's a poor mans Bruce Bowen, how bout him? Al Harrington? Kyle Korver? Larry Johnson? Just throwing some names out there.

But, all my confusion was absolved last night. The Blue Devil connection. It's strong. It lasts a lifetime. And don't get me wrong here, I am a huge Duke fan, and loved watching JJ hit unbelievable shot after another, but this is the Olympics we are talking about. Not March Madness. If we are looking for a stand still, spot up shooter (I know, reportedly JJ is getting better at creating his own shot with the bounce, but again, this is the Olympics, not intramurals), all I'm saying is there might be some better options out there that didn't wear the blue and white in college. Nate Robinson, 39%, and can leap over smaller guards and other obstacles put in his way.

I trust Jerry Colangelo though. After all, he was able to look beyond Shawn Marion's shooting "form" and see the great player that he is. In the end, Jerry will make the right decision. He has to. No one wants to hear poetry at the podium.

Cleaning out the Closet

What's missing here: Reggie Miller, Allan Houston, annnnnnnnd? That's right! Penny Hardaway! That's right folks, we are bringing back all the early to late 90's scoring guards! When I first heard Reggie was coming back I was excited. I mean, who wouldn't want to see his cross-armed game winning shots again? Maybe New York I guess. But don't worry New York, you won't have any games of meaning after the All-Star break. That's around the time when all hell will break loose because David Lee is the only player worthy of being part of All-Star weekend, in the slam dunk contest, and he will be selected, and Zach and Eddy and Starbury will give priceless interviews to Stephen A. about the atrocity of it all.

Reggie has a legit reason to come back. He has an opportunity to play for second place behind whatever Western Conference team makes it to the finals. Allan Houston, he can probably still hit that text-book jumper of his. So, maybe some team would want to pay him to come off the bench for a few minutes a game for some instant offense, ala Steve Smith in his last years. And come to think of it, why the hell doesn't Steve Smith come back! He might as well show everyone he still has that baseline shimmy to the layup. God knows Martell Webster could use a little Steve Smith magic.

But now we hear that Penny is going to pair up with his former big buddy Shaq. Has it got that bad in Miami? First J-dub got old. Then Payton retired. Then they couldn't even sign Mo Williams, or Steve Blake, or any other quality, livingm point guard in the world, so apparently they decided to try to bring back to life Little Penny in hopes that his shattered knees can withstand another NBA season. Doubtful. Maybe no one wants to play with Antoine Walker firing fast break threes? Or, maybe the fact that the only guard they could sign was Smush Parker. Yikes. I would take Penny over him any day.

Are the old guys getting jealous? I wonder if they routinely watch highlights of all these young supporting players like Deshawn Stevenson and James Jones and think to themselves that they can still play better than them? I think being a TV analyst gives people a skewed view of reality. Example: Barkley running for Governor. I wonder if Jamal Mashburn is getting revved up to play again? Maybe the Celtics can sign him too, then you could have an NBA LIVE 99 all-star team.

All in all though, I am excited to see how these guys do this year. I can't wait for Miller v. Spike Lee round 100. Fingers crossed. The only thing I won't stand for is Charles Oakley making a comeback. Isn't he like 50? If he gets signed I might have to boycott the season. I am a little scared though that Blazers are cooking something up to bring somebody back out of retirement, say a James Robinson maybe? I can't imagine Kevin Pritchard like seeing all this action going on without his hand in any of it.

A Reason To Smile

You have to at least smile for him, you know? Even if you hate him, even if you thought Bud’s effort was Herculean, you have to smile just a little for Barry. Right when he hit it he knew. He dropped his bat and watched with his hands raised as the ball fell into the mob of hometown fans willing to kill for it.

His son tried to steal the spotlight from him as he waited at homeplate for his dad to round the celebratory bases. His son waited with a smile, as I did, for his dad to come and pick him up like McGwire did his overstuffed son. But when Barry got there he barely acknowledged his seed, and then raised his hands again to the firework filled night sky, presumably pointing to his dad way up there in the atmosphere.

And that’s why I have to at least smile for him. Because he owned that spotlight tonight. Steroids or no, he owned that spotlight and he wouldn’t let anyone take it from him, not even his son, who if you didn’t know it was him looked more like a regular bat boy with no familial relation to Barry and his brightness.

The endless conversations begun a long time ago about whether or not he was juiced like Jose, and they will drag on forever, like the debate as to whether or not Ricky Davis should be retroactively awarded a triple double from March 16^th, 2003 against the Jazz. A rebound is a rebound, right?

I did smile tonight when I saw the replay (the game was blacked out in DC because somehow we DC residents were supposed to be in San Francisco in the bleachers brawling for that ball rather then just simply watching it on TV like everyone else in the country…because those famed Nats fans are so well known for their traveling…) of Barry smashing it over the wall. Finally. FINALLY he did it. Finally the conversation can at least think about dying, we can begin the funeral procession towards a future that doesn’t revolve around every Barry-at-bat.

I feel refreshed, like I can breathe again, like I can resume my love affair with Matt Stairs-sightings. He too was looking to take a swing at history tonight when he bum-rushed A-Rod only to be cut short by a bigger, brawnier Yankee. The last time I saw Matt Stairs was when I used him to win the homerun derby in All-Star Baseball 99 for Playstation 2. Thank God he still has a goatee.

So, no matter what you feel towards Barry and his polarizing shot that landed in a glorious Mets’ fan’s hands, you can find a reason to smile at homerun 756. Unless of course, it comes out that Matt Stairs uses Rogaine for that facial hair, then we should all be pissed.

NBA Off-Season Update

I love the NBA off-season, who wouldn’t? It’s the time of year when good players are paid great player salaries, when foreign players who never started for their Euro club get paid NBA starter money, and when, if you’re a diehard fan of a struggling franchise (see The Portland Trailblazers), your team just might make the move that finally ends the death march through the regular season.

It’s the time of year when players like Chucky Atkins are heralded as the long lost piece to the puzzle in Denver. A point guard who has never averaged over five assists in his career is now joining Carmelo and AI and JR Smith and Kleiza and Nene and Wafer…and did I miss something? Wasn’t their weakness last year on defense? Maybe they should trade away the Camby Man next and see if they can rejuvenate Kevin Willis’ career. Maybe even bring in Paul Westphal to coach, you never know, 300 points may not be out of reach.

See, the off-season is the time of year when a player like Rashard Lewis is paid franchise money to get triple teamed every game because Orlando decided against spending any money on outside-shooters. Yes, they do have Turkoglu and JJ Reddick, but the Turk hasn’t played well since him and Peja helped bring back life to the post-Mitch Richmond era in Sacramento. And even though JJ might end up being a poor man’s Kerr, fingers crossed he doesn’t end up being another Joe Crispin, I haven’t seen Rashard look to pass out of the triple team to often on game winning shots. Then again, he did score 50 points in 2003, but then again, Tony Delk scored 53 in 2001.

One more thing about Orlando: they drafted Rayshawn Terry. Hmmm…Trevor Ariza, Rashard Lewis, Rayshawn Terry, Keyon Dooling? Maybe they want as many players as possible who can only do one thing: slash. But they would make for a rip-roaring NBA Live team. I can’t wait.

The summer is the time of the year when we can concentrate on headlines that in previous months may have gone unnoticed, such as: “Former NBA Star Ron Mercer surrenders on assault charges…” (AP, 7.25.07) Excuse me? I must of read that wrong, please tell me I read that wrong, no, I didn’t? Since when is a career 13.6 ppg. scorer considered a Star? Granted, Rick Pitino may have thought he was a Star-caliber player when he drafted him to the Kentucky Celtics, I mean, Boston Celtics in 1997, but really? A star? If big Ron is a Star quality player, let me submit a few names here for further review by the Star-committee: JR Rider, Kerry Kittles, Eddie House, and how bout Vinny Del Negro?

Speaking of the Celtics, how bout trading your whole team, but more importantly, your entire foreseeable future for a 32 yr. old superstar? Five players and two first round draft picks for arguably one of the best players in the league is great for NOW. But what happens two years from now if they haven’t won a championship and Jesus Shuttlesworth is ready to hang ‘em up and resume his Hollywood career, and Garnett loses his immunity to injuries and gravity, and Pierce is still a baller but Kendrick Perkins still isn’t, and Glen “Huge Man” Davis teams up with Shawn Kemp and Oliver Miller as the centerpieces for Dunkin’ Donuts new ad campaign 3 Tons of Fun, and Bill Simmons still hates Doc Rivers? It would just be tragic. On the bright side, the Timberwolves now might be younger than my beloved Trailblazers.

And how ‘bout them Blazers and what should be the biggest news of the summer: we re-signed Steve Blake. Thank god Denver doesn’t like passing point guards. Oh wait, they did sign Anthony Carter to be old, I mean to pass the ball. And we dumped Z-Ro off to the circus in New York (By the way, when did it become popular again to have two undersized, offensive minded frontcourt starters?). I don’t really care what or whom it took to get rid of him: a slam dunk champion, an enormous buyout to Stevie Francis, they could have given them the Blazer logo in the whole deal, because it’ll just be nice to see someone else shoot the ball besides the round mound of jumpers.

Of course, there were a few bigger stories than some of the smaller ones I highlighted here, such as Kobe, or the ref scandal, or Oden and Durant reviving the Pacific Northwest. But it’s these kinds of stories, the ones you find if you really pay attention to the beauty of the NBA off-season, that will keep me buoyed until the regular season tips off with Oden battling Duncan in the paint for what should be a finals preview…of 2011.