Week 5 Picks

Last Week: 6-8
Total: 35-27

I just checked my roster for my fantasy team this week and it looks like an episode of MASH. My top 5, that's right, top 5 recievers are out with injuries or on byes' this week and the icing on the cake is that Travis Henry is not just dealing with a couple nagging injuries, but he is in trouble for how he deals with those injuries. In his defense though, his "experts" weren't there when the league tested him and he came up positive for THC again. I wonder what these experts would have done? The old slight of hand, slight of pee trick? Unless his alleged experts were David Blaine and Cirss Angel I don't think it would have mattered.

Anyway, I was 6-8 last week and need to rebound so I am going first instinct on my picks this week. Once I decide in my head there's no looking back.

Chiefs def. Jags: It appears the Chiefs finally have a WR to throw to in Rookie Dwayne Bowe, and if that holds up maybe it will open some holes for Larry Johnson to run through. If the Jags win they would go to 3-1 and I don't think I could stomach that. This one should be close, I give the advantage to the Chiefs at home.

Pats def. Browns: Has anyone ever been more sure about this game? If the Pats don't win here it will either be considered a hick-up and a "good wake up call loss," or the "uh-oh" game of the season where every team in the league finally discovers a weakness in the Patriots. The only way I see the Browns winning this game in New England is if the Joba-bugs travel to Foxboro by Sunday and eat Tom Brady alive. And that had to be one of the more disgusting pictures in sports, Joba standing on the pitchers mound with what looked like aphids all over his neck, yummy.

Saints def. Panthers: Delhomme out again, Carr in again. The Saints have to pull this one out. They have no excuse to 1. Not get 5 sacks, and 2. Not get their first win of the season. I'm not sold on Reggie Bush being the number 1 back, but then I again I wasn't sold on the Blazers drafting Oden and that worked out great. Oh wait... Saints still win.

Giants def. Jets: My first instinct was to take the Giants even though it went against every second, third, and fourth thought that followed. But really, we are talking about two New York teams that have underachieving QB's and less than good running games. The only reason this game will get a lot of pub is because Archie Manning had babies and one of them happens to play for the G-men. I'm still pulling for Lorenzon to get in there and shock the world. Wouldn't that be a great poster, Jeremy Shockey and The Pillsbury Throwboy standing together trying to look all hard like athletes always do with a caption: Jared and Jeremy: Shocking the World One TD at a Time. So hot.

Miami def. Houston: But who really cares until Andre Johnson and Ahman Green come back? Ronnie Brown has been ultra-productive for a team that needs someone with superlative-inducing play. I wonder how the Miami front office is feeling this week after Culpepper ran all over them with that bum knee they let him go for? I bet they secretly brought out all the jerseys they had bought for their kids and then stored away in the garage and just sat there looking at them in their bedroom, their wives waiting for them to turn the lights off..."Just come to bed, honey..." He would grip the jersey tightly in his hands, "you just don't understand...he could of been ours, he was ours! It could've been us..." They probably don't feel any worse than the think tank in San Diego that brought in Norv Turner.

Steelers def. Seahawks: Pitt will rebound from their loss at Arizona, even without Hines Ward, and get the win at home. My friend Jon thinks the Seagals win it 24-20, so naturally I have to bet against him. Steelers 27-20, Hawks don't cover the 6 point spread. Honestly, if Willie Parker doesn't score 100 fantasy points this week I might score a grand total of 15 points.

Redskins def. Lions: Even with Kitna and his converts, the Lions fall short to Clinton Portis and the Skins. I can see Campbell having a good game against the Lions this weekend, isn't he due? Actually, I just picked up the Lions D for the week, but I am sticking with the Skins on this one...this is why I never make New Years Resolutions, my will is about as strong as Pac Man Jones outside a strip club with his buddies, "well, I am pretty hungry, sure, lets just go get something to eat, right?"

Titans def. Falcons: Joey Heisman had another game that might cause people to go against every fiber in their body and actually trust him this weekend with their money, but I know better, I have been a fan in the closet for a long time with Joey and I am staying where I am. It's nice in this dark place where no one can truly see your hope for him rise and fall as fast as hopes for Darko did his rookie season. The Titans are second in the league in rushing and playing at home, and can Joey really have another good game on the heels of his last one? Global warming hasn't changed the world that much, has it?

Rams def. Cardinals: Brian Leonard, Gus the Bust, the return of Icognito, and no Isaac Bruce? This has the makings for an upset written all over it. Kurt coming back to the dome and getting some playing time? Anquan on the bench again? Could anyone write this script any better for the Rams to surprise everyone and pull out their first win of the season? We know they aren't going winless this year, they gotta win at least one, and now that Bulger is on the sideline and not fearing his life being taken from the blindside on every down, what better time than now? Convinced?

Colts def. TB: No Cadillac for the rest of the season, and while I do think the Bucs are for real, I don't see them going into Indy at pulling off this upset. This seems to be a sexy pick, taking the Bucs over Peyton's Colts, but I think the Colts stay undefeated until Week 9 against the Pats when Tom Brady and friends resume their dominance of the Horseshoes.

Broncos def. Bolts: Travis Henry is "vowing to play" according to ESPN.com. When has a player had more to prove to a city that took a chance on him than Henry? Well, besides Moss. Reports say he has at least two more weeks until his B-sample appeal gets resolved, and you could bet your house that he is going to TRY to go break 1000 in the next few games. The Chargers are floundering. They need this game more than anyone, but it's at Mile High at Invesco (great name by the way, phert.) where the fans chant "in-come-plete" every time the QB misses. Norv Turner just might break down and cry if Rivers gets that cheer too many times. I really just want the Chargers to lose so that they are forced to fire Norv mid-season and issue and apology to their fans ala The Metropolitans, and who knows, Charlie Weiss might be available by then.

SF def. Ravens: First instinct: Dilfer vs. his old team? Awesome! Dilfer is one of those guys who, for some unknown reason, just wins games. Maybe it's because he doesn't make too many bad decisions, or maybe he has God on his side like Kitna, but couple that with Gore and I don't think the Niners are losing too much short-term with Alex Smith's separated shoulder. Also, I don't like the Ravens this year. They are the reason I am out of my elimination league.

Packers def. Chicago: And the Heavens part as the clock ticks down to :00 and Brett Favre is lifted into heaven like the Energizer Bunny to the spaceship. Favre and his D vs. Griese and his D? Favre every time. And if they do win and go to 5-0?! Berman will literally have an orgasm on camera. How can you not want to see that?

Cowbows def. Bills: One question: Why was this game scheduled for Monday night? Even if JP Losman wasn't hurt did the NFL Execs really believe the Bills would be MNF worthy? Cowboys might put up 50 on them, unless Trent Edwards turns out to be the next Big Ben.

Games I wish I could be at: Bears/Packers. They might have a parade after the game if the Pack goes to 5-0, and can you imagine how many free drinks you could get at the bars? So many babies will be born in July is Favre wins this one.

Games I wish could be played on Madden: Cowboys/Bills. Just because I would rather see the Boys score 100 than 50. And there has got to be some crazed Cowboy fan who is the ultimate Madden gamer who can get inside the Bills player so bad he would cry by halftime.

Upset watch: Rams/Cardinals. Can it really be considered an upset when speaking of the Cardinals? Not sure about that, but when you consider the state of the Rams, much like my fantasy team, this would be one for NFL Films Greatest Games Ever Played in the History of Upright Man.